On Letting Go of Control
The last thing I did when before I left my office today was to write myself a note to stick on my computer monitor:
“GOTTA LET IT HAPPEN”
I scribbled little F clefs and hearts around the words.
It’s a lyric from Paramore song 2014 “Last Hope”:
Channeling my 2007 pop punk phase aside, sitting on this phrase has given me such respite from an anxiety ridden last couple of weeks.
As the fount of anxiety always tends to be, it’s because I ~feel~ like there are so many uncertain things in my life right now — career directions, friendships, homesteads.
Who I am and where I am is in constant flux, and this has borne a fear in me that has haunted me for weeks.
I’ve always been waiting for the other shoe to drop (and step in shit with the shoe I still have on).
What would I do without roommates?
This, however, changed when I had a lengthy conversation with my friend/roommate.
I vented my fears and frustrations to her.
About my job.
About grad school.
About the moving parts of my life.
She stopped me.
“You know, my grandmother gave me 2 pieces of solid advice for this:
Is there anything that you can do about it tonight?
Don’t worry about something until you have something to worry about.”
When she said these things to me, it stopped me in my tracks.
I had thought back to all the times I had spent riddled with anxiety and frozen. All the nights out I declined because I was ruminating on possible worst case scenarios. All the life I let pass me by — because I was paralyzed by fear.
It’s funny when you think about it:
You actually lose more (more time enjoying life and being present) from the anticipation of the Bad Thing, than when the actual Bad Thing arrives.
I spent the rest of the night sitting on that.
What Happens When You Let Go of Control
So sometime this week I had my epiphany:
Letting go of control of the situation is the only way I can regain control myself.
What I realized is that there are so many things in life that I can’t, and will never, have control over — and that’s ok.
The shore can’t stop the tide coming in.
The warmth of summer can’t stop the chill of autumn taking it’s place.
The tree can’t stop the axe.
And I’m tired of waiting for the axe to drop.
Today shook me up emotionally, so peeling away from the office — I took a stroll and reminded myself that sometimes letting go of things that we can’t control isn’t just the best way through — it’s the only way forward.
Overcome with emotion, I posted this to my instagram:
What I now realize is giving up control is realizing how capable you are of taking on whatever the future wants to offer you.
On my way to write this blog at my favourite coffee shop on College St., I ran into an old colleague — one from the first job that I was let go from.
“How have you been?” he genuinely inquires.
“Good. Really good.
Better than I could ever hope for.”
I genuinely answer.