survival

imagine a life in which your only prize for overcoming massive obstacles is the knowledge that you overcame them and nothing else.

imagine a life in which if you didnt overcome these obstacles you would, at best, be branded lazy and useless and, at worst, become homeless.

imagine a life where every single moment is joyless and grayscale and empty, devoid of sincerity and love and warmth, because you know better than to get too close to other people — dont be co-dependent!

youre doing it! youre living without love. youre alive, and you can take pride in that, celebrate the fact that youre alive. you have no one to hold your hand, its true, but look, you can stand on your own two feet.

but you always knew you could stand on your own. you never needed anyone to remind you of this. youre fully aware of your own capacity to survive. you have felt This Way for over a decade. youve picked yourself off the floor and gotten to work more times you can remember. you are a survivor — this is undeniable. like a roach, you are hard to kill.

and like cockroaches, you know you are usually an unwelcome presence in most peoples lives. so you stay quiet and out of sight, avoiding human interaction as much as you can, because you are disgusting and people will hurt you. its the only way you can continue living.

but youve always known that you could survive without others — you didnt need anyone to prove that to you by abandoning you.

in fact, having one person who loved you and, most importantly, who you loved in return was somehow proof that you were a complete person capable of experiencing the full range of human emotions. it was true that your problems dont go away simply because youre in love, but knowing that the person you want to be around also wants to be around you no matter how bad your brain gets is comforting. for once in your life, nothing felt like an obstacle — all that mattered were feelings.

yet feelings change. they arent permanent. your roach-brain has yet to catch up to this fact. you are built for survival, not higher thinking. and so, you despair. for a while you believed you were more than a roach, but it is now clear that youre only made to survive life, not enjoy it.

you can live without family. you can function as a person without knowing your parents’ love. you can continue living without your one true love, whoever that may be. your life can be as bland as bland can be — very little human interaction, very little love, very little friendship. you can survive. you know this.

one day though, you wish for more than survival. you miss having a hand to hold, and wish that one day, you receive all the love you were denied in your youth, twofold.