The Sincerity Emergency Hotline

• Hi, how can I help you?
• Hi, I really like to collect action figures.
• They are called toys sir.
• No no, they are collectibles.
• No sir, they are toys, and you are a big baby.
• I’m not a big baby!
• Please, sir, I need you to say: I’m a big baby. Are you a big baby?
• I’m a…
• Please, sir, repeat with me: I’m a big baby, and I like my little toys.
• I’m a big baby…
• Sir?
• … and I like my little toys.

• Susan here, how can I help you?
• It’s been 3 days, and he didn’t message me back. Should I restart the conversation?
• He is not busy. He just doesn’t wanna talk to you.
• He has a very demanding job and…
• Not busy.
• No, his cat was sick and…
• Not busy.
• But his sister….
• Not busy.

• Good morning, how can I help?
• Hi, my name is Dave, and I was wondering if I’m a douchebag because I always complain about having to talk to my Uber driver?
• Yes, you are Dave.

• How can I help you?
• I know it’s 2018. But I love the joke “That’s what she said.”
• Ok. I will have to ask you some questions. Did you watch The Office recently and thought that we were laughing with Michael and not at him?
• No.
• Do you have friends that drink beer from a tube while they are upside down and use the word “rad”?
• No.
• Do you say it ironically because you think it contrasts your personality, but we all know that it doesn’t?
• I don’t think so.
• Are you socially awkward and for some reason find everything sex-related really funny?
• Yes.
• Ok. Number 4. Give me a second.
• How many options are there?
• 27 options sir.
• And each one has a different answer?
• No, they all have the same one: Stop doing this! You look like a fucking idiot and if people around you are laughing is / 1. because they are also misogynist pieces of shit / 2. because they are too kind and they will nervously chuckle to avoid a conflict or / 3. because it’s 2018 and they are laughing at you, at how sad your existence is. That’s what I said. I’m Susan.

• Hi, how can I help you today?
• I’m only buying metal straws from now on. To save the oceans. Am I a better person?
• You definitely are, as long as you never talk about this or bring this in a conversation ever again in your life.

• Sincerity Hotline, good afternoon.
• Hi, I’m Tristan.
• Hello Tristan, what’s your inquiry?
• Should I buy ethereum? I heard that the developers are using it.
• …
• Hello?

• Hi, how can I help you in this average day?
• Hi, I feel that I’m barely scraping by on breathing. I’m just skimming on my days and sinking in my chest at night. Is it ever gonna get better?
• Soon you will be dead and me too.

• Hello, my name is Susan, how I can probably not really help you because for sure you think you know everything and is not really open to accepting a second opinion, but still wanna talk about you.
• Sorry, wrong number.

• Hey, I met this person outside a bar, and the person talked a lot about their hobby as an analog photographer. I felt terrible about my corporate job. Should I?
• If you wanna survive in the Instagram era, definitely! You need to have a hobby that not only you enjoy, but you also should make some money out of it and not really care about the money that you are making. Like a tattoo side business or a serigraph print with some loose art that it looks like you didn’t put that much effort into it.
• I just like to watch tv in my spare time.
• You are doomed, sir.

• Hi there, Susan here.
• Hello Susan, I really wanna become an e-sports personality and have my own twitch channel with millions of followers. Should I do it?
• That’s great, I really wanna quit my job at this call center and open an overpriced vegan gourmet coffee shop while I write the next Harry Potter. Do you see me doing that?
• No, I don’t know, why?
• Because I have bills to pay. Do you have bills to pay?
• Yes.
• Are you 16?
• No.
• Then good luck.

• Howdy friend.
• Hey, I have a drone, do people wanna see my footage?
• Nope.

stock photos from rawpixel.com