The Sincerity Emergency Hotline

  • Hi, how can I help you?
  • Hi, I really like to collect action figures.
  • They are called toys sir.
  • No no, they are collectibles.
  • No sir, they are toys, and you are a big baby.
  • I’m not a big baby!
  • Please, sir, I need you to say: I’m a big baby. Are you a big baby?
  • I’m a…
  • Please, sir, repeat with me: I’m a big baby, and I like my little toys.
  • I’m a big baby…
  • Sir?
  • … and I like my little toys.
  • Susan here, how can I help you?
  • It’s been 3 days, and he didn’t message me back. Should I restart the conversation?
  • He is not busy. He just doesn’t wanna talk to you.
  • He has a very demanding job and…
  • Not busy.
  • No, his cat was sick and…
  • Not busy.
  • But his sister….
  • Not busy.
  • Good morning, how can I help?
  • Hi, my name is Dave, and I was wondering if I’m a douchebag because I always complain about having to talk to my Uber driver?
  • Yes, you are Dave.
  • How can I help you?
  • I know it’s 2018. But I love the joke “That’s what she said.”
  • Ok. I will have to ask you some questions. Did you watch The Office recently and thought that we were laughing with Michael and not at him?
  • No.
  • Do you have friends that drink beer from a tube while they are upside down and use the word “rad”?
  • No.
  • Do you say it ironically because you think it contrasts your personality, but we all know that it doesn’t?
  • I don’t think so.
  • Are you socially awkward and for some reason find everything sex-related really funny?
  • Yes.
  • Ok. Number 4. Give me a second.
  • How many options are there?
  • 27 options sir.
  • And each one has a different answer?
  • No, they all have the same one: Stop doing this! You look like a fucking idiot and if people around you are laughing is / 1. because they are also misogynist pieces of shit / 2. because they are too kind and they will nervously chuckle to avoid a conflict or / 3. because it’s 2018 and they are laughing at you, at how sad your existence is. That’s what I said. I’m Susan.
  • Hi, how can I help you today?
  • I’m only buying metal straws from now on. To save the oceans. Am I a better person?
  • You definitely are, as long as you never talk about this or bring this in a conversation ever again in your life.
  • Sincerity Hotline, good afternoon.
  • Hi, I’m Tristan.
  • Hello Tristan, what’s your inquiry?
  • Should I buy ethereum? I heard that the developers are using it.
  • Hello?
  • Hi, how can I help you in this average day?
  • Hi, I feel that I’m barely scraping by on breathing. I’m just skimming on my days and sinking in my chest at night. Is it ever gonna get better?
  • Soon you will be dead and me too.
  • Hello, my name is Susan, how I can probably not really help you because for sure you think you know everything and is not really open to accepting a second opinion, but still wanna talk about you.
  • Sorry, wrong number.
  • Hey, I met this person outside a bar, and the person talked a lot about their hobby as an analog photographer. I felt terrible about my corporate job. Should I?
  • If you wanna survive in the Instagram era, definitely! You need to have a hobby that not only you enjoy, but you also should make some money out of it and not really care about the money that you are making. Like a tattoo side business or a serigraph print with some loose art that it looks like you didn’t put that much effort into it.
  • I just like to watch tv in my spare time.
  • You are doomed, sir.
  • Hi there, Susan here.
  • Hello Susan, I really wanna become an e-sports personality and have my own twitch channel with millions of followers. Should I do it?
  • That’s great, I really wanna quit my job at this call center and open an overpriced vegan gourmet coffee shop while I write the next Harry Potter. Do you see me doing that?
  • No, I don’t know, why?
  • Because I have bills to pay. Do you have bills to pay?
  • Yes.
  • Are you 16?
  • No.
  • Then good luck.
  • Howdy friend.
  • Hey, I have a drone, do people wanna see my footage?
  • Nope.

stock photos from rawpixel.com

eats existential crisis for breakfast.

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