The Most Powerful Generation to Ever Live: Millennial Murderers
A few months ago Twitter created a “moment” with the headline, 10 Things Millennials Ruined.
So I did some digging and it turns out what started as a joke became fuel for bloggers, fake and credible news sites, and content marketers to create lists of things Millennials are killing off, or almost killed off. I’m not kidding you, there are top 29 (why not 30?) lists, Reddit threads, and tons of news articles. Clearly, last year content marketers were hurting for quality news stories and pathetically jumped on the clickbait wagon of attacking millennials.
I’ve already disproved this but just for giggles at our computers (because hey Millennials are lazy and don’t really work at work) let’s look at our Kill List!
The Kill List
- Ayahuasca Medical Drug: TL;DR Sting (not a millennial, at 65 years old) and “white people” who attend yoga retreats love this medicine turned drug so much that pharmaceutical companies want to buy up the plant and render it extinct. I’m still trying to find out how millennials are getting blamed for this one.
- Tree Huggers? Nope We’re Tree Killers: Forget deforestation that’s been going on since the 1970s, millennials are to blame with all those books we like to read. Damn you J.K Rowling.
- Cereal Killers: They said we stopped eating it because we didn’t want to wash the bowl after, I say it’s because we learned how to cook BACON.
- Bye Lunch, Hello Snacks: Goldfish, Fruit Roll Ups, Juicey Juice, and more! The brainwashing of snack culture from the 90s lives on!
- Department Stores No More: Barcode price scan = Amazon is life.
- Napkins < Paper Towels: You’re mad that we kill trees to read books and enhance our minds yet you’re also mad that we want to save the trees by not buying frivolous paper products? Hypocrisy anyone?
- Game of Golf: It’s for old and rich people. We’re neither, enough said.
- Hollywood Haters: $12.00 for a film? Nah, we’d rather Netflix & Kodi.
- Love is For Suckers: We like to keep it casual, you know FWB 4life bae.
- Die European Union: Brexit and Putin, those decisions were our fault.
- Slippery Soap Bars: We said it was dirty, science proved we were right.
- The 9–5 Work Day is Dead: We’re begging for flexible schedules because we have the technology to allow it to happen. Why fight us on this one?
There are more things that we have killed off like sitcoms, wine and wine corks, McDonalds, fashion, and the way of life as we know it however you get the point. When we come together to eliminate a source, we kill it.
Things We Will Kill in 2017 and On
- America: Trump was just the beginning, wait until you see how we manipulate the government to destroy our healthcare.
- Airlines: Pull a passenger off a plane? We will destroy you and all airlines through an all out Twitter war. Free luggage for everyone!
- The Ecosystem: The glaciers melting is a direct result of our overuse of cellphones. The sun is reflecting off our screens, bouncing back to melt the polar ice caps.
- Beauty Pageants: We’re a generation full of feminazis, so belittling women through makeup, fancy clothes, and parlor tricks is over.
- Coffee & Chocolate: We need energy and sugar rushes to help us conform to the 9–5 business lifestyle, this will put chocolate and coffee into a complete extinction.
- Cable: Oh hey cable guy, you’re still here? We got Netflix and we know how to stream. Time to go.
- Libraries: Even though we are obsessed with reading, somehow we will find a way to eliminate all the libraries from the world. We can’t be tree killers if there aren’t any more libraries to store books in.
- Oil Industry: Once we have some money we will buy all the Tesla things.
So my fellow millennials keep it up, we’re #killingit.