It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? But I guess my inconsistency has allowed me to come back with a lot more to say. So with that being said, I’ll use today’s post to rant a little — or a lot about things that shouldn’t irritate me but do.
Why. (Monday, February 20, 2017, 1:49pm)
Here I am, one year, five months, and eighteen days later writing about You again. Except this time it’s not because I love you — well, I mean I do love You, just not in the way I did five hundred and thirty-seven days ago.
And I know you’re probably sitting there on your phone or laptop thinking, “then why the fuck are you writing this, Gabby?!” so let me fill You in… I’m writing this because my dumb ass, for God knows what reason, will always care about your well-being even though it’s because of You that my own well being has never been the same. I’ve realized that I have a soft spot for You and while I’m okay with that, I also really, truly, fucking hate it. You, along with everyone else, already know why I hold a special place in my heart for You so let me just cut straight to the part where I explain why I’m furious that I still love You.
I was once told that I change friends/lovers like the seasons, and at the time, I couldn’t deny that. So while everything in my life was changing, You stayed constant. No matter how much you hurt me, played me, and made me feel a fool, You stayed a constant in my life and I hated that. I hated that I couldn’t shake You off like a bad feeling. I hated that I fought for You. I hated that I loved You with every fiber of my being. And I hated that You didn’t feel the same way. But most of all, I hated that while getting to know You and loving You a little more every day, I saw qualities in You that no one else saw. Now you’re probably wondering why seeing qualities of You that no one else saw made me hate You more; it’s because I saw You at your best — I saw your true potential. So while I don’t love You the way I did before, it irks me when You don’t allow yourself to see what I see.
I don’t know, maybe saying all of this makes me selfish or maybe it makes me a fool again, but I can’t help but want the best for You. I also write this knowing I sound like a sap who is still head over heels in love with You and the truth of the matter is, is that I’m not. I hate that my inability to have any true animosity towards You makes me sound like I still love You; I hate that everyone who is reading this is probably thinking that I do. Well, I don’t. So please don’t misconstrue my words or take them out of context. Please don’t mistake my concern for your well-being as a sign that it’s still You my heart is choosing, because truthfully, my heart resides in someone else. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m mad at You. I’m mad at You for making silly decisions, for not allowing yourself to grow, and for not letting yourself reach your truest potential.
I know, I know, you’re probably rolling your eyes as you read this (if you’re reading this) so I’ll cut it short.
I don’t want to sit here and tell You what to do or who to love, so I won’t. Just keep in mind that I’m only mad at You for running back to a situation You yourself deemed as unhealthy. I’m mad that you’re not allowing yourself the space you need. And most of all, I’m mad that You don’t see the great fucking person You can become if You just allow yourself the time You need to grow.
With the purest of intentions, please don’t choose a future that’ll only dim your stars. You are meant to shine.
Someone who will truly continue to care.