Back to School for the First Time

Nine years ago, I attended my first day of college. It was thrilling for so many reasons, but it was wholly expected. My entire life as a student was leading me to that moment. College was a wild ride and my eyes were opened in many identity-expanding classes, including those in philosophy, photography and theater.

Four years later, I graduated and entered the world of working, bills and rent. It was shocking and utterly new. There was still so much learning happening, just in a bunch of different settings, with little structure, and fewer (to no) instructions. I became a freelance photographer, which lent itself to short energetic bursts of shooting, usually on weekends, marked by longer periods of more laid back editing and leisure…a career path and schedule that was an anomaly in my community of college friends.

Tomorrow, I am starting graduate school and this experience promises to be completely different. In fact, I have realized a lot of my studies in graduate school will be actively undoing all of the confining socializations, expectations and ideas that my 25 years of school and work life provided me. I will be starting work towards a masters degree in Women and Gender Studies, Spirituality and Social Change. My class readings have already awoken me to the invisible (and not so invisible) structures of oppression that exist in everyday life. I am reconsidering many things that I thought to be true.

The idea of this undoing is daunting. How can I contain every eye/mind/soul/spirit-opening reading that I do? How do I apply them to my life? How do I continue walking around the world with this knowledge? How frustrating that I have been walking around the world so long without this awareness! How lucky I am that this awareness is entering my world! So many people go through life thinking it is a certain way and never have the opportunity to even conceive of the diversity of possibilities.

This awakening, of sorts, is not just starting with graduate school. It began earlier last year when I injured my body and I started learning about my physical existence in an intimate way. To mark and celebrate the healing of my body, I started the year by traveling to Mexico and Central America. I was exposed to other cultural realities that made me question the ones here at home. I learned about Permaculture in Guatemala and discovered my passion for defending our beautiful planet. I met a man who came into my life to speak hard truths. We talked quite a bit about the dark and often despairing truths of the world, namely the oppressive natures of our educational and political institutions, the decline of media and the arts.

I returned from that trip in total despair. I was wrecked. Many things I thought I knew about myself and the world were torn down and flipped on their heads. I felt unfulfilled by my work and by my way of being in the world. I wondered how to exist in a world with these new eyes. My old habits were no longer serving me. I felt a disconnect from my friends. The city of San Francisco became a source of consumerism and waste and chaos.

So, I turned to the one place that I knew to turn to: my body. My yoga practice went from once a week to a necessary every other day on the mat. I finally shifted into a daily meditation practice that I have been attempting to do for years. I recommitted myself to weekly therapy. I slept, a lot. I attempted small behavioral changes: I started reading every day. I cooked most of my meals. I worked less. I deactivated Facebook. I sat with the overwhelming feeling of awakening. I was terrified. I was lonely.

One truth, mantra, that kept me afloat through those rough months was, “This too shall pass.” And the intensity of that time did pass and what emerged was an energy that needed channeling. I didn’t know what that meant but I did know I wanted to know more, about the world, about myself, about why things are the way they are and how I can be a part of making them better, more beautiful, more peaceful, more loving. I found the Women’s Spirituality Program at the California Institute of Integral studies after a random Internet hyperlink click and knew it was what I needed to do. This school is involved in the paradigm shift of education, integrating the mind, body and soul, and Eastern and Western thought. It holds diversity and mindfulness in the highest regard. I knew it was the place for me. I applied. I was accepted. I start school tomorrow.

The learning has just begun. It feels like my first day of school I never had. I chose to do this. No one forced me or expected this of me. In fact, some people are confused because it does not fit in an obvious way with my career, in this world where most decisions are made for a clear, desired outcome. I am done with doing what is expected. Learning is what I need to be doing and and by returning to academia, I have found the grounding and transformational work I need in my life.

I am honored and humbled and offer endless gratitude to those that have helped me reach this point. I am about to be changed forever and will hopefully be making the world a better place in the process. Now, let the learning begin…