Not Everything Is As It Seems

It’s not that I don’t love you, because I do. It’s that for 5 years I suffered at the hand of an alcoholic. Every night I came home and was told that I was worthless. I was told to shut up and was made to feel like my opinion didn’t matter. I was shut out and forced into silence whenever she was angry, because shutting up and keeping my mouth shut was better than being yelled at and called a bitch, and occasionally hit.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, because I do. It’s that for a year and a half whenever I was angry about something I was told to stop being a baby. I was told that my feelings in the relationship didn’t matter. I was told that I was forcing arguments, so now I just keep quiet.

It’s not that I don’t think I’m good looking, because I do. It’s that for so long I was picked on because of my hair. I was picked on because of my weight. I was picked on because of my laugh. I was picked on because I was shy. So when people say certain things I completely lose it.

It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with you, because I do. It’s that for 10 years I was friends with someone who I told everything, and they dropped me and never talked to me again. I am afraid of getting close to anyone ever again because I am afraid of the same thing happening.

It’s not that I don’t want to date you, because I do. It’s that for so long I was taught that anyone I date, will leave. I was showed that I am not good enough to love, or to stay faithful to. I was showed that no matter how much I try to be the perfect girlfriend, I am still not good enough.

Every morning I wake up and tell myself that the past is the past, but that doesn’t change my anxious habits, my depressive episodes, and my panicking. I am always afraid that something bad is going to happen because for the past 5 years, I have had the worst luck on the planet.

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