My journey pt1, 31.08.16

I’ve decided to write a diary/blog for the next 12 weeks, it will contain info about my diet, weight and training.
The thought of doing this blog for everyone to read, fills me with dread but as they say, nothing good comes from staying within your comfort zone......

If it scares me so much then why am I doing it?? Well, since I returned off my holidays 3 weeks ago I’m not as focused, i’m eating crap, I’m not using 'my fitness pal' to log my food and my training sessions have reduced from 4 a week down to 2/3, partly due to school holidays.

Before I start, here's a little background info........

I’m not overly confident in the gym, or anywhere for that matter, stepping into the gym on my own is scary for me, although I have a personalised program to follow I worry about everything. I worry that I don’t belong in a badass gym , I worry I’m not strong enough, I worry that I might be doing it wrong, I worry that people will watch me and laugh when I struggle to do a set of 35kg benchpress (I find them bloody tough). So basically, although I love being in the gym I find it intimidating.

It helps massively when Andy is at the gym with me, he’s my comfort blanket. I know he’s there to give me an encouraging wink from across the gym or to tell me I’m doing ok. 
I quit pure gym about 6 months ago (after being a member for 2 years) and joined Full Contact Performance Centre on Queensway, Rochdale, I became stale at pure gym, I never went in the weights room which is the room I wanted to use most of the time because it was always busy with 'people with bigger muscles than me' or 'I’d only be a burden if I went in' and 'they’d laugh at my 30kg miserly squats’..... Instead, I went straight upstairs to the ladies only room (tiny room with cardio machines and a few weights machines) and wasted 60 mins 3 times a week doing steady state cardio and sets of body weight exercises...... I stayed in my comfort zone and my body stayed the same!

I craved more so I bit the bullet and joined FCPC. 
For the first 3 months, I didn’t step foot in the gym unless I knew Andy was in there. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some great people in FCPC and I know if I needed help or support anyone in there wouldn’t hesitate to offer, I’ve never met a bunch of friendlier people who really know their shit. Everyone helps each other and most people train for the same goal......To be a better/stronger version of yourself.

After 3 months of training 3 times a week with Andy I was getting stronger but I wanted more, the only option was to go one day after work ON MY OWN!! Was I scared?? Hell yeah. 
I drove into the car park after work one Wednesday, palms sweaty, heat racing and trying to talk myself out of going in….. I went in, I followed my program and came out 70 minutes later a different person.... I did it, I trained 'properly' on my own, I didn’t die, nothing bad happened. I actually felt good, at that moment in time I felt I could accomplish anything!

I still get nervous when I go in alone, even after 2/3 months. I still get sweaty palms and my heart races but I do it, most of the time I actually enjoy it.

My 'typical' week is made up of 4 sessions 
Session one - lower body with my focus lift being the squat
Session two - upper body with my focus lift being the benchpress
Session three - lower body with my focus lift being the deadlift
Session four - steady state cardio or full body workout

I’m currently on maintenance calories, which for me is 1800 calories, this will change a lot during my 12 week blog, during the 12 weeks I’m focusing on increasing muscle mass and hopefully seeing the numbers on my focus lifts go up, the numbers on the scales will increase (which is another scary thought), up until a few months ago, I was obsessed with weighing myself, I’d do it every morning. If my weight had increased my mood would be low and visa versa. For the past 2 years my weight has remained between 9st 11.8 and 10st 3.8 fluctuating daily. 
My weight today is 10st 0.0, (size 12, 5ft 6) before my holiday I was 9st 12.4 so I’m still carrying some holiday weight!! I will weigh myself again on 5th September when my 12 week program begins.
I’m starting on 5th September because that’s the day when 'normality resumes’, my boys go back to school, I start back at work after having 6 weeks off and most importantly, I return to my regular workout times and days.

Writing a diary and posting it publicly scares the bejesus out of me and makes me feel physically sick, I fear failure, I feel vulnerable, I worry that the numbers on the weight won’t increase, I worry about gaining too much excess fat, basically I worry about everything but I need a focus, I need a goal to work towards. I’m not even fussed if people read my diary, I’m not doing this for any other reason than to increase my personal strength, mental, physical and emotional strength...... I may have just hit 40 years young but I feel healthier now than I did when I was in my twenties and most of my thirties.
I hate feeling self conscious day in day out but only I can change that and I will change it, one workout at a time!!

Here’s to the next 12 weeks!!!