save yourself

Regina
Regina
Sep 2, 2018 · 4 min read

You.

You put me back into this hole again. You put me back in the lowest point of my life and that is having someone leave me because they can’t stay… because at some point they have to choose their own self.

You brought me back into this living nightmare. You pinned me back again to a place where it seems so impossible for me to get up.

Four years ago, my best friend left me for good because he has to move on… because he fell in love with me and I keep on choosing the same guy. I keep on looking at the same guy.

Four years ago, he begged me to let him leave so he can let go of his feelings for me. And I have to. I have to let him go no matter how painful that might mean for me. Four years ago, I stopped believing on people telling me that they will stay because they just don’t.

Four years ago, I was in this fucking hole — fixing myself because the person that I trust the most left me. I put bandages on my own wounds. I threw sweet nothings on the hollow he took from me, wishing that it might heal as time goes by. It took me two years to finally trust someone again. It took me two whole fcking years to move on from the bitter feeling of seeing my best friend happy without me. It took me two fcking years to wrap my brain with the idea that my birthday will never be the same again, because my best friend left me. Because he loved me and has has to let go of me.

You met me when I was trying to regain myself. You met me when I was trying to be whole again.

You met me.

No. you fucking walked back in to my life. The part where I was trying to recover. The part where your chat head popped up and as if in that instant you got a position back in my life even though I barely know you. It’s not like the sandbox days. I remember thinking how weird it is to share the same photo but can’t really remember much of it. I remember letting you in on the very first secret. I remember letting you hear me cry. I remember letting you call me even though I really hate my voice. I remember telling you pieces of my brain, especially my soulmate theory (I hope you remember that).

I remember trusting you the very first time and it was while we were playing never have I ever. (Sana talaga natalo kita kahit isang beses sa never have I ever eh. Madali lang naman consequence ko, make a playlist for me, add one song per day until we stop talking to each other and send it to me on a very random day tapos wala kang ibang sasabihin, just the link.Pero wala na. ‘Di bale na.) It took me two years to recover and trust someone again. It took me two years to have a person who knows everything.

Bakit bumalik ka pa?

Maybe, I am writing this because I needed someone to blame. I have to blame you.

I am so mad especially when you said, “leaving you would hurt me as much as it would hurt you”.

You don’t have any idea how much hell you gave me. You have no idea how much hate I am giving myself right now, because I fcking can’t keep a friend. You don’t have any idea that I am crying for hours right now. I hate you for seeing me that way because there is reason to love me.

I hate you for telling things.

I love the idea of parallel universe because it comforts me so much, but I hate it now. It makes me sick. It makes me fvking sick because there are worlds where we stayed — you stayed but why can’t it be in this fcking universe.

It is so unfair how you changed so many things. It’s so unfair how I helped you fix yourself but you fcking broke me down.

And I hope you read that quote that says the worst thing than break up is losing a friend. I hope you know that like him, you fcking took a piece and it feels so hollow and that you should stop asking what to do because you have to save yourself.

I hope you know that I can’t blame you because it’s not your fault. I hope you know that I really love you. I hope you know that you cannot walk back in unless I walk back in your life.

Please, don’t stay up too late. You need a lot of sleep. Promise me that you won’t put another stick of cigarette in your mouth because your lips will turn dark and you will be shy to kiss your crush. I hope you kiss someone and think of the consequences after you kiss her not before that. I hope you do. I hope you stop thinking. I hope you wish things for yourself. I wish you know that you are there for your friends and you have to stop thinking ways to save them but think of ways on how to save yourself. I hope you stop buying things you don’t need. I will wish on every gods to let you have your first place and it will be just how you picture it in your mind. I hope you learn a lot of things about yourself. Please, buy a jacket.Please, remember that I have a love-hate relationship with the rain and please ride everything on that amusement park which I wanted to go. And please, call me Regina.

    Regina

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    Regina

    klutz