Here We Go Again…
Once again walking back into the fray…
The intrinsic feeling of depression is a deep void that begins to swallow up everything around you. Nothing taste right, nothing feels good, everything around you slowly becomes a dull painting that’s blurred together. Sense of time just goes out the fucking window. I don’t quite know when these emotions hits but something in my brain just pops and then its back to that void feeling. Anything and everything just gets swallowed up whole.
I never fully expressed or grasped what it is that I wanted to do. That part sucks. Like really fucking sucks. In my head, everyone around me had made it pretty clear that to be successful you had to have a goal or vision that needed to be completed to its entirety. It wasn’t until I decided to really stop forcing myself to do things that I felt these emotions. The emotion I failed to accomplish something I put myself up to. The thought that my projects are open ended messes that don’t have a direction or end in sight. Or that blog went untouched. My career did soar but its coming back crashing down and everything inside is burning.
My way of coping with the emotions stirring up in my head was to force myself to fight them off by not focusing on them. Be it by working, or going out and ignoring the things that needed done, or just simply doing nothing. After a while, I caught on to what was happening and well here are.
I’m not writing this to ask for help. I’m writing this because I want to be able to express this as care freely as possible. I don’t want people to worry or anything, it’s just I’ve come to realize that expressing everything I can in something I do is just what I do. Trying to hold a back a thought or an idea is just not something I do. Unfortunately I need to get better about filtering these things because sometimes I just say shit and it’s like “Whoops, I’m an asshole”. Fortunately though I understand now that holding back on how I feel or just ignoring them doesn’t ever work out for now.
The reason I’m really writing is because I couple days ago I was struck by this feeling and was in shock of how long it’s been since I truly had it.
I was simply having fun and enjoying something wholeheartedly.
That’s when I thought maybe it’s a good idea just kinda express what was going on and how things have been on here. So I decided to instead confront a lot of things and just feel things for a while.
Writing this is no where near easy because I know deep down inside somewhere there’s fear that it’s a bad idea. Instead of trembling and just letting things come to pass, I’ll write one character at a time till its a word that forms the sentence of a paragraph. Paragraphs that then detail the storm I know and walk through that is life.
In life so far, I’ve given up and failed more times then I can count. I’ve willingly let some things slip by. I’ve willingly walked away from things instead of running into them. It wasn’t until I felt a wholesome feeling that drove me to do something that’ll better myself that it came clear that shit’s been pretty fucking rough. Maybe I had gotten use to it or something, I don’t really know. All I know is that lightning struck and everything was gleefully bright, everything was clearer, didn’t have a care in the world.
Here I am now, still a fucking idiot but just a little teeny tiny bit wiser. I just wanted to write something on the things I’ve been feeling. That things are ok and not dark and gloomy. That I didn’t just disappear and give up. I’m still breathing and very much alive. I know I abandoned my projects and willingly accept that maybe it’s better that way for now. Rather then forcing myself back into them I’m going to move past them for now. If the feeling is right, I’ll pick them write about it and go to complete them. I do have something new and exciting to work on and I plan seeing it to its finish.
Hopefully you stick around for that part, till then….See You Guys Later!
