A Satire of Theresa May’s “Brexit” Speech
Like many others I also eagerly awaited what Mother Theresa had to say about Brexit. I already knew Brexit meant Brexit, we will have a blue white and red Brexit and it will neither be hard nor soft.
Having read her speech it quickly became apparent that there are certain words that — if replaced with others — would turn her speech into something else.
It would read as something that might have been written 100 years ago, at the height of the Empire. Or just at the time as the Empire was falling apart. A yearning to be Great again. So what I have done is this: replaced the words “Global” and “International” with Imperial, Empire and Imperialist, Colony and Colonized. I also made certain subtle changes and additions.
Read the result for yourself!
Theresa May Speech Re-Written
A little over six months ago, the British people voted to return to Imperialism.
They voted to shape a brighter future for our country as a great, imperial power again.
They voted to leave the European Union and embrace the world and open our border to the formerly colonized parts of the world, now called Commonwealth of Nations.
And they did so with their eyes open: accepting that whatever it takes they want the empire back! Believing that it leads towards a brighter future for their children — and their grandchildren too — just like the empire made the lives of their grandparents and great-grandparents better.
And it is the job of this Government to deliver it. That means more than negotiating our new relationship with the EU. It means taking the opportunity of this great moment of national change to re-colonize the entire planet — not only a quarter of it!
My answer is clear. I want this United Kingdom to be an imperial power again. I want it to emerge from this period of change stronger, more domineering, more dividing and more imperial than ever before. I want us to be a secure (pull up the drawbridge), prosperous (plunder the wealth of the planet on our own, not as part of the EU), tolerant country (tolerant with those that we like not just anyone) — a magnet for international talent (not immigrants but tax-evaders and non-tax-paying conglomerates, also known as expats) and a home to the pioneers and innovators who will re-colonize the world ahead. I want us to be a truly Imperial Great Britain again — to be the policeman of Europe again, but not part of it — and a country that reaches beyond the borders of Europe too in the old imperial fashion. A country that goes out into the world to re-colonize our old servants and turn others into new ones.
I want Britain to be what we have the potential, talent and ambition to be. A great, imperial trading nation that is respected and feared around the world and superior, overpowering and domineering at home.
The Government’s Plan
That is why this Government has a Plan for the United Imperial Great Kingdom of Britain. One that gets us the deal abroad that we, as a major imperial nation of the past deserve but also one that ensures we get a better deal for the ordinary plebs at home. One that will shut them up in the long term.
This is why we are setting out plans to use this moment of change to build a stronger, imperial economy and a fairer society. We want this to be a country where everyone knows their place by embracing genuine economic and social reform. I will achieve this by making the rich richer and the poor poorer.
This is why our new Modern Industrial Strategy is being developed, to ensure we can say every nation and area of the United Kingdom will make the most of the opportunities ahead but making sure that only the Southeast benefits — more specifically the home counties where me and my pals live.
This is why we will go further to reform our schools to ensure every child, but in particular my friends’ kids in grammar schools, has the knowledge and the skills they need to create a real Imperialist, post-Brexit Great Britain.
This is why as we continue to bring the deficit down within the next 1,000 years, we will take a balanced approach by investing in our economic infrastructure. This means we will invest in more white elephant projects where there is no need for another one, but let areas that really need investment languish. We will do this because it can transform the growth potential of our friends’ companies, and improve the quality of certain, already rich people’s lives who live in palaces and secluded villas across the whole country.
It’s why we will put the preservation of our precious Imperial Great British Union at the heart of everything we do. Because it is the only way we can ensure our rich aristocrat friends and other billionaires can preserve their wealth — by coming together as one great union of plebs working for the greater good of institutional investors and bankers. This is what I call the future for the nations and people that can make the most of the opportunities ahead.
The result of the referendum was not a decision to turn inward and retreat from the world.
Because Britain’s history and culture is profoundly imperialist.
We are a European country but let me be clear: we never wanted to be part of Europe — we are far better than that. Yet we are proud of our shared European heritage — but we are also a country that has always looked beyond Europe to the wider world not only because we are a superior imperialist power — but simply because we are just better, full stop.
That is why we are one of the most racially diverse countries in Europe, yet probably one of the most xenophobic and small minded nation of people as well. We are one of the most multicultural members of the European Union — yet we want nothing to do with foreigners. We like them as long as they clean our shit in the toilets, serve us our crappy burgers in McDonalds or make us a sandwich at 5AM in Pret.
This is why — whether we are talking about our former colonies of India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, America, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, countries in Africa — you know man, the list goes on, we used to rule a quarter of the world! Lest we forget, there are those that are closer to home in Europe — those that we used to police and turn against each other. So now you know, this is why so many of us have close friends and relatives from across the world — most of whom we hate and wish we could subjugate and re-colonize them.
Instinctively, we want to colonize, rule, and exploit these countries — and not just in Europe but beyond the borders of our continent. Even now as we prepare to leave the EU, we are planning for the next Heads of Government from the Former Colonies meeting in 2018 — a reminder of our unique and proud Imperialist Past.
And it is important to recognise this fact. We used to rule a quarter of the world! I don’t want anyone to forget this. June the 23rd was not the moment Britain chose to step back from the world. It was the moment we chose to rebuild a truly Imperialist Great Union of Britain (and Northern Ireland), a yearning to go back 70 years when we ruled a quarter of the world!
Europe and Our Friends’ Role
I know that this — and the other reasons Britain took such a decision — is not always well understood among our friends and allies in Europe. That’s no surprise, they haven’t the superior brain capacity that we have here in Britain. And I know many fear that this might herald the beginning of a greater unravelling of the EU — which is what I have secretly been hoping for — but being a two faced con artist I never said this because I was too afraid to lose my cushy job at the Home Office. So I shut up during the referendum campaign.
But let me be clear: this is what I wanted to happen ALL ALONG! It would be in the best interests of Britain. We could then just carry on stirring up some more shit around the world and fish in the muddy waters. What great prospects! No one telling us what is right or wrong because we could once more exploit the whole world!
Now, let me be clear once more: it remains overwhelmingly and compellingly in Britain’s national interest that the EU should succeed — but for only another another five years while we set up new trade relationships and exploit our position in the EU. And that is why I hope in the months and years ahead we will be able to close in some nice fat deals that we will benefit from. I don’t care about anyone else — only about my grammar school friends.
So let me take this opportunity to set out the reasons for our decision and to address the people of Europe directly.
Addressing Our European Friends
It’s not simply because our history and culture is profoundly imperialist, important though that is. Many in Britain have always felt that the United Kingdom’s place in the European Union came at the expense of our imperial ties — quite rightly so. It meant we couldn’t freely plunder the world in the guise of a bolder embrace of free trade with the wider world.
There are other important reasons too.
Our political traditions are different. Unlike other European countries, we are famous for being imperialists, rulers of the world. We have no written constitution, but the principle of Parliamentary Sovereignty is the basis of our unwritten constitutional settlement. Naturally I have been trying to ignore this sovereignty for the past six months — but never mind that now. Only when the High Court slammed it in my face did I accept the sovereignty of the Parliament.
We have only a recent history of devolved governance — painful that may be for my aristocrat friends. Never mind that, it looks like it is rapidly unravelling itself so we might be able to return to direct government anyway. Ah, and I almost forgot our little history of coalition government during which we backstabbed our coalition partner — oh the good old days.
Unfortunately, the plebs expect to be able to hold their governments to account very directly. But me and my friends don’t like this. Such supranational institutions as strong as those created by the European Union were ready to help the pleb, and we saw this very uneasily in relation to our political history and way of life which we have been desperate to preserve. This is why we wanted to break away from the EU — to preserve our old ways, which suits us very well. Keeping the plebs in place and maintaining our quite life in the counties. So we made them believe breaking with the EU will serve them — NOT US!
And, while I know Britain might at times have been seen as an awkward member state, the European Union has struggled to deal with the diversity of its member countries and their interests. In no small part this is because we’ve been stirring up shit for the past 40 odd years. The EU bends towards uniformity, not flexibility — and we hate that. David Cameron’s negotiation was a vain, half-hearted attempt to prove to Britain before the referendum how pointless it is to stay in the EU. And I want to thank all those elsewhere in Europe who were so incompetent that they did not see this and blocked him from reaching a meaningful agreement. The blunt truth, as we know, is that EU burocrats have become very cosy in their cushy offices and forgot to give a toss about anything. They failed to recognize the importance of this and everything else that’s happened since 2008 — many important matters for a majority of British and European voters.
Now I do not believe that these things apply uniquely to Britain. Britain is not the only member state where there is a strong attachment to the past, where the white people ruled — in particular the higher echelons of the white society. Where a democratic government for the ruling class has meant a cushy job where they could spend some time in a comfy office between two first class flights to some useless economic forum. They also have a strong imperialist mindset, lest we forget the entire world was once ruled by European Nations.
But not just any European nations. Those in Eastern Europe don’t count. They are just the worst kind of plebs — no I am not talking about them. I mean Spain, France and the Netherlands. They are those that I like to be associated with.
And so I believe there is a lesson in Brexit not just for Britain but, if the EU burocrats want to keep their jobs, for the EU itself.
Because our continent’s great strength has always been its diversity — whatever that means. And there are two ways of dealing with different interests.
Divide and conquer.
So to our friends across Europe, let me say this: either you accept the outcome of our referendum and give us all we ask for or we will drag you down into the shit gutter with us.
We are leaving the European Union, so accept this but we do not want to leave the benefits of being in Europe. We still want to be stirring up some much loved shit here, and also to divide and conquer.
And that is why we seek a new partnership — between an independent, self-governing, Global Imperial Supremacist Great Britain and our servants and the defenders of our back door to the Middle East, those other EU nations.
Not partial membership of the European Union, associate membership of the European Union, or anything that leaves us half-in, half-out. That would not suit us. That would mean we, imperialist super power Great Britain would need to compromise.
AND WE DO NOT WANT THAT!
We do not seek to adopt any of this. We do not seek to hold on to bits of membership as we leave. No, the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union.
My job now is to Make Britain Great Again!
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Originally published at Solaris Traveller.
