How you shape your child’s developing brain

In my first post on child development, I provided an overview of the developing brain. In my second of three posts, I’d like to explore how the way you treat your children shapes them, so you can be conscious of the messages you’re sending when you engage with your kids. My final post will cover when a child’s brain becomes capable of certain functionality, so you can tailor your parenting to match their cognitive developmental milestones, without frustrating or shaming your children by asking for too much too soon.

As I mentioned in my previous post, if we don’t use certain brain connections by a certain age, our bodies assume that we don’t need them. In response, your brain “prunes” them away, so it can focus on maintaining the connections that help you survive in your environment. This neural house cleaning happens during what are called “sensitive periods” in a child’s development. For example, synaptic production in the visual cortex peaks at 6 months, after which time, the brain begins to aggressively prune the visual connections that don’t get used. In fact, a child with cataracts that are not surgically corrected by the age of 2 will never develop the ability to see, as the unused synapses in the child’s visual cortex will have been pruned away! (1) To provide another example: Extensive research shows that a child must begin to hear and practice a language regularly by the age of 7 in order to become fluent in that language. Instruction beginning from age 8 onward may lead to competency, but never fluency (2)

In one case of extreme neglect, a 13 year old girl was rescued from a childhood of almost total language deprivation. Despite intense training and therapy, she was never able to develop more than a rudimentary form of verbal communication. (2)

Just like we need to hear and mimic our parents to learn our native language; we need to observe and emulate our parents to develop the advanced, cognitive abilities that define who we are — like our morals, our ability to handle interpersonal conflict and our decision making process. The prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for this higher, cognitive functioning) continues to develop and prune synapses until late adolescence, which gives parents plenty of time to teach their kids the complex skills that they need to succeed as social adults.

So, how is the way that you treat your children so instrumental in this process? Our brains are wired to observe, mimic and master the behavior of others in order to thrive in our environment. In fact, we are born with specialized neural groups and circuits throughout our brain called mirror neurons. These neurons are stimulated when we observe the behaviors of the people who raise us. Mirror neurons are why your infant will smile back at you when you smile at him; why if you listen to your 18-month sooth himself to sleep, you may recognize your own sounds and words; and, why your 4-year-old recreates the majority of the family’s morning routine while playing “house” with her nanny.

Mirror neurons are also stimulated when we observe the emotions of the people around us. This is why laughter is contagious; why you feel another’s pain; and, why horror movies are scary! Mirror neurons not only help us to learn who we are and how we should behave; they are instrumental in programming how we feel about ourselves, about others and about the world around us.

Children are also wired to explore and master the world around them from the day that they are born. By signaling for help from parents, teachers and caregivers; our kids are asking us to show them how to survive (and thrive) in the social world of human society. The process goes something like this:

1. When your child faces a challenge, he reaches out to you for help. When he’s an infant, the only way he can ask for help is to cry. It is up to you to decipher the root of the distress and address it. At 7-years-old, asking for help may take the form of: “Mom, she won’t let me play with the toy!”
2. While the assistance that your child needs will become more complex based on her level of cognitive development; the way that you respond to her cry for help will teach her how to manage that need for herself in the future. For an infant, that may be showing him how to self-soothe. For a 7-year-old, that may be showing her how to negotiate with her sister to get equal play time with a coveted toy.
3. In addition, your emotional response to your child’s distress will show him how he should view his own distress (and the distress of others). If you consistently become aggravated with your infant when he displays distress while trying to sleep; he will continue to become anxious in his crib; but, he will learn to hide it from you to avoid reprimand. He knows that he can’t survive on his own; thus, he is motivated to regulate his behavior to avoid your rejection. Conversely, if you respond to his cries with compassion and reassurance; he will grow to treat himself (and others) with compassion and reassurance in situations of distress. The same goes for your 7-year old’s dismay at not getting to play with that toy she wants. If you dismiss her frustration, she will feel shamed by you, but have no idea how to handle a similar frustration in the future. If you validate her desires, while also helping her to consider her sister’s needs; she’ll learn how to work with others to share resources.

Wow, parenting is a heavy responsibility. Both the way you approach your child’s needs (and your emotional reaction to those needs) have a lasting impact on how he sees himself and how he approaches the world. The good news is, you don’t have to be perfect all the time. Research shows that you have to get it right 2 out of 5 times; and, make an effort to “repair” with your kid the other 3 times. Life is messy and people aren’t perfect. Modeling reconciliation to your child will give her the tools necessary to nurture and maintain relationships throughout her life.

While perfection is not essential, it is important to understand when your child is capable of certain cognitive capacities. Pushing your kids beyond their cognitive capabilities will frustrate and shame them. Conversely, shielding them from the hard work of mastering a new capacity will hinder their ability to develop into high functioning adults. Instead, we need to know when they are grappling with new capabilities and provide them with the scaffolding necessary to safely ascend to the next level of functioning on their own.

My next blogpost will outline the developmental tasks and challenges of kiddos from infancy to middle school. Stay tuned by following me on Medium or Facebook.