A history of anxiety

When I had my first big panic attack,
I was only 14.
I fainted in the student lounge
And a boy carried me to the infirmary.
So, naturally,
Everyone was thrilled for me.

I’ve had syncopes before that;
I got weak at the knees three times on my 13th birthday.
We were on a field trip and my face was on a cake
That I never got to eat
Because I was rushed back to school on the 3rd one

Now panic’s turned to anxiety.
I never faint, but I’m dizzy all the time
And I almost never mention it.
My head is spinning and my lungs are tired
From breathing twice at a time, each time
And my stomach is sick to itself.
I get insomnias from my back pain
But you sleep just the same.

I’m not scared, I’m terrified
Petrified to think this has been expected and I got no say in it.
It may not sound crippling,
Because it doesn’t keep me from going
But I have a clue of all the things I could’ve done,
If my own mind allowed it.

My friends held my hands all those years ago,
When all my bone tissues were shaking
Watching my cold sweats closely
While trying to make me laugh, failing.
They had their between-classes snacks
Keeping this fragile body from falling apart
… I worry now that I didn’t thank them enough.

Today, you tell me I can’t stand that I can’t fix this
And I’m pretty sure that’s another symptom.
I hate the bags under my eyes,
This swelling need to strive
For a million things at once
Without ever feeling like I’ve finished one.

I was depressed for 6 months
For heart reasons, no less
And all I have to say about it
Is that I was never so lonely
In my entire life.
I’m not sad now, I’m a continual mess;
My memory’s whacked,
My eyes could store rivers of tears
From all my insecurities,
And still, that’s nothing compared to the fact
That I feel permanently wrecked.