on being less garbage

I will stop writing in generalizations because that is narcissistic. I will be less judge judy.

But also.

I will stand up for myself more when it comes to. you know who. I have turned my girlfriend into Voldemort. That’s a positive sign. I just need to call out shit when she’s doing it- not internalize it and explode later. And if she explodes if I call her on her shit? And acts like I’m the one making this relationship so hard? I will call bullshit and say “I don’t need this.” Because I don’t. Okay? Do you hear me self? I don’t need this. I don’t need anything except for good things.

I thought up a two pronged daily plan that I will not say I am starting because I haven’t and probably never will. BUT. If I were a more driven and dedicated person, instead of the lazy garbage I am I would tell you I am doing the following. 2 pronged plan. OK, so part one is to do one thing every day that makes me happy in the moment- instant gratification type thing. Go get ice cream, or FT someone or buy something or you know I don’t have that many examples on happiness outside of food, drink and commerce. Bleak. Ok, so that’s the easy part right? But the problem with doing things you like in the now is you worry about what’s to come in the not now. So the second prong of this lacking fork is to do one thing everyday that helps future me. Because let’s be real, that bitch is going to need all the help she can get. So what does that mean? Write probably. Look at jobs. Continue to work with this guy at “ads.” Or it could be like exercise. Or broaden my mind via reading. Or network in this piece.

Seems easy enough? Well. Ya. Will probably watch tv and be depressed instead.

Speaking of nothing. Today is the first day in which I will not be initiating sex with gf. Because I can’t do it anymore and keep getting shot down. And if we do end up having it, I always just think it’s a pity fuck. And I would say a pity fuck is worse than no fuck at all but it depends on the horniness level tbh. No- just kidding it is always worse.

We fucked yesterday on the comfy chair. And it was good- as in… it felt good. But there’s no foreplay anymore. So it starts out with a “ok, let’s do this thing.” type of feel. And she doesn’t talk to me anymore. And after this rough period, my own talking doesn’t feel sexy it feels annoying. I looked at her during some of it and I had to close my eyes immediately. Because I couldn’t tell if her face was turned-on concentration or just a straight up grimace. I couldn’t tell, and it was terrible, and I wanted to burst into tears right then and there. So I closed my eyes and replayed a porn I’d watched earlier in the day in my head. I couldn’t come but I got close. I said “fuck me from behind,” but she was already coming. Or- she said she was coming. So I said I was coming too. We ended and I thought we might go again, but didn’t want to push it. She showered. I cried silently on the couch watching TV. She went to soccer. I masterbated to a subset of porn where the guy is very into the girl- almost too much. But it’s what I needed.

I don’t know what is happening to me except I do. I’m sad. I need validation and I hate that about myself but it’s the facts. And I think everyone needs validation so fuck everyone.

Anyways, to re-cap. Day 1. We’ll see how long it takes to have sex again. I should just leave. I’ll try the 2-prong approach at life first. I am sad but I suspect it won’t be forever. Suspect and hope are interchangeable here.

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