What’s Your Garden Style? (Parody)

Do you prefer the packed plants of a cottage garden, or the sleek lines of a modern garden? By knowing your particular garden style, it is easier to envision what your garden can become. For ease, I have categorized garden styles based on three types of gardeners.

Type One: I Hate Yard Work

Do you have no idea what a pair of loppers are for, or have yet to buy a shovel? This category just might fit you. Those who embrace type one do anything but gardening on a Saturday. They might love a variety of flowers, and shrubs, as long as they never have to do anything to them. Their gardens are often never seen or used for months at a time. If you belong to type one, your garden might fit one of the following styles:


Elements: A minimum of cultivated plants, with preference for native and exotic invasive plants. Siberian Elms, annual grasses, thistles and bindweed are home in this garden. Maintenance involves avoiding dandelion diggers, weed killers and mulch.

Sterilized Ground

Elements: A sterilized ground garden is devoid of any plant life. Preference is given to rocks, concrete, and bare ground. This garden style is very popular with Round-up enthusiasts.

Type Two: I Have no Idea What I’m Doing

These gardeners are more involved in their gardens than type one. They have a variety of gardening tools and plants, none of which would be recommended by a horticulturist. The gardeners enjoy spending time in their gardens doing tasks that usually make things worse. If you are a type two gardener, your garden might fit into one of the following styles:

Overabundance of Petunias

Elements: Common plants like petunias proliferate, although generally do not thrive. Cement curbing, large swatches of lawn, and perhaps a few roses also are common elements in this style.

Power Tools

Elements: Hedge plants and over manicured lawns are a must. The more tasks that involve a gas driven tool the better. Hedges are often half dead, and topping trees is common.

Death is Okay

Elements: At least several dead trees, straw-colored grass, combined with sickly roses are hallmarks of this garden. Usually plants are chosen based on any characteristic except if it is well adapted to the location.

Type Three: Boring is Better

Type three gardeners enjoy a very small palette of plants, with no visual interest. Beds are typically undersized and filled with nothing in particular. All garden work is concentrated to one or two types of plants.

Lawn Only

Elements: The only plant allowed is lawn, and perhaps a tree. Often maintained to shiny green, lawn is everywhere, including small side yards and awkward corners. This style is great for those who enjoy mowing lawns for long hours during the summer.


Elements: These gardens are typically once well-maintained gardens, that are slowly reverting to nothingness. All flowers and shrubs in beds are best left alone and will hopefully die quickly, making way for beds with a small covering of wood chips or rocks and plenty of visible week fabric.

This is all in good fun! Many of the pictures are actually from my own gardens are gardens that I’ve worked on. And most of them don’t look like that anymore.