Autumn TV Highlights…

My pick of what to look out for on your screens this autumn!!

Strictly Come Dancing. BBCs One, Two, Four. BBC News, and Online. BBC Radio.
This year’s hunt for celebrities sees the corridors of the BBC echo ever louder to the sound of a barrels being scraped. This year, Chris Camp from Hollyoaks or Towie or Emmerdale, Jenny Leotard from that thing on ITV2, Rita Cumulo-Nimbus from BBC weather, Russell Coronary who was big in the 80s and is even bigger now, Deirdre Home-Counties — the wife of the MP who recently said that thing, and Jamelia, dance, pretend to encourage each other and talk about what a journey they’re on, in-between trying to land that new presenting gig, book deal or switching on the Christmas lights in Huddersfield.

Grant Mitchell’s ISIS Pub Dog Fight Drug Gang Bovver Stitch Up & Nonsense: Sky One.
Starring Phil Mitchell.

The Great Brexit Wank Off. BBC One. Wednesdays 8pm.
To the ever-witty encouragement of Mel and Sue (’Soggy bottom!’ ‘I’m covered in your sticky batter’ ’Squeezing out your icing bag!’ ‘’Fit your load through the oven door!’ ’Something about muffins!’ ), contestants have to race to see who can wank themselves in the fastest time when confronted with a 10 second loop of Nigel Farage saying ‘We got our country back!’ with that horrible, smug, punchable grin on his face.

Herring: BBC Four, Saturday 9pm.
A new crime drama series set in Iceland that’s sure to keep the BBC4 demographic spitting out their gluten free breadsticks from now until Christmas.
Episode 1. Detective Ingvar Herring, (Jarlsberg Magnussen), is joined on a tricky murder case by enigmatic new detective Hagborg Edmundsdottir (Bjork). Their attempts to solve the murder are somewhat thwarted by Bjork’s refusal to stick to the script and instead improvise an eight hour electronica-tinged exploration into the meaning of grief and existential angst halfway up a volcano. In the dark.

Shame of Thrones: ITV1, 9pm, Wednesdays.
Can ITV compete with HBO’s Game of Thrones with a much smaller budget and an even smaller cast? Tune in and find out. Starring Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts as Archduke Roger, ruler of the kingdom of Bedford, and Martin Clunes as Skraldurk, Thane of Clematis, filmed in a small quarry somewhere off the M4.

Dead Ray Mears Love Island: ITV5, All day Sundays, apart from weekends.
15 hot, young virile contestants are left to fend for themselves on a deserted tropical island with only the decomposing body of the corpulent survival expert to sustain them.

Skip Bagging. ITV12, Sunday 4am.
Police drama following the life of an Australian store detective. This week: Unexpected Item In The Bagging Area. Starring Paul Hogan as Skip Bagging, and Brian Brown as the supermarket manager Noel Worries.

Even Strangerer Things. Streaming at Friendsreunited.co.uk
A non-copyright breaking British take on the Netflix classic but set in Britain during the 80s. Four teenage boys struggle with such 80s issues as what is ciabatta, surviving on a diet of Angel Delight and where to find pornography for the next 15 years until Tim Berners-Lee gets his act together.

Match of the Day: BBC One, Saturday, 11pm.
With the commercial networks having snapped up rights to all Premier League football, Match of the Day is forced to go further afield for sporting action. Tonight, Gary Linekar is live from the big match as Croydon High School take on Putney Girls at Netball.

Conflicted Brompton Riding MacBook Man: Channel 4, Friday, 9pm.
London has a new superhero. He stands up for the rights of cyclists — whilst riding on the pavement.
He talks about equality — whilst hogging a table all to himself in a cafe and using up their wifi ‘researching’ online pornography.
Episode 1 — Brompton Riding MacBook Man faces the ultimate dilemma when he is cut up by a cab…. carrying Jeremy Corbyn!

Convertors of the Last Loft. Film 4, 4.30am, Sunday, or Monday?
Starring Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in a race against time to convert the last loft in London from a dusty attic to a sleek, modern living space before the Nazis bomb it. Starring Denholm Elliot as his assistant Bill-Ding Regs, and Karen Black as the glamorous Velux Widow.

Yeastenders: BBC One, 7pm, every week night.
Soap opera set within the craft brewery and pop-up industries of East London.
Trouble at the mobile brewery this week when Clem says they should be brewing a porter, whilst Jesmond thinks they should try a super-hopped blonde ale, before they decide to have a go at making a mustard gin. All plans are put on hold when their beards become snagged in a Victorian hop mangle. Meanwhile Jazzer is in trouble when she can’t remember which section of which shipping container she opened her pop-up humous cafe in, and when she does find it, someone has stolen her overalls and her lensless 1940s horn-rimmed glasses.

Zero Poldark Thirty: Film 4.
Historical mashup drama about the handsome, Cornish tin mine owner (Aidan Turner) who undertakes a perilous, but topless, journey to the foothills of the Himalayas in Pakistan to assassinate the head of a terrorist organisation. With subtitles for the hard of scything. Male nipple rating, 8/10.