I’ve done the hard work for you and previewed the key shows on TV over the next few days that you CANNOT afford to miss. Enjoy!
A Christmas Corbyn: Family Disney retelling of the Dickins classic. Starring Mickey Rooney as the leader of Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition. Comedy abounds as Ebeneezer Corbyn is called a grinch for refusing to back airstrikes in Syria, criticised for wearing the wrong shade of red when he dresses up as Father Christmas, and finally learns the true meaning of Christmas when some refugees share his humble nut roast. Starring George Osborne as Jacob Marley and Ed Milliband as Tiny Tim.
The Queens Peach: 30 mins of assorted images of the Queen’s behind from the last 12 months. Whether in a formal gown, riding jodphurs or casual slacks, please be upstanding as we salute the royal catflap.
Michael McIntyre’s Festive Feast of Fun: TV funnyman Michael runs around finding the funny in our Christmas traditions, talking about brussels sprouts (“Who actually likes sprouts? Why do we eat them? They’re not from Brussels!!??!”), chocolate oranges (“It’s chocolate…. and an orange. Oranges aren’t made from chocolate, are they?!?!”), mincemeat (“It’s not very well minced….. and it isn’t made of meat!??!?!”). Probably involving a visit to a children’s hospital ward and an appearance from Ellie Goulding at some point.
Old Minder Tricks Special: Dennis Waterman stars as a confused man who isn’t sure if he’s Terry from Minder or Gerry from New Tricks. Investigates a cold case from the early 80s involving a murdered turkey and one of Amanda Redman’s faces being stolen and ends up arresting himself. Theme tune: D Waterman.
Candy Crush, The Movie: Romance. Ryan Gosling plays a green semi translucent square, Reese Witherspoon is a purple grapey thing. Love blossoms momentarily when they find themselves stacked on top of each other in the corner of an iPad screen.
Strictly Cum Dancing: <Fill in your own gag>
Carols from Ah Souls Cathedral, Cambridge: Your signal to open the spirits and locate the emergency Quality Street tin. Guest appearance from Ellie Goulding.
Marvel Incredible X Guardians Iron Ant Thingy Men: Halfway through your dad wanders in and complains that it’s a load of nonsense, he can’t hear what anyone is saying, and that Where Eagles Dare is on the other side. He’s then rendered silent and stares at the screen hypnotically when Scarlett Johansson appears in her tight fitting costume.
Something Starring Russell Crowe directed by Ridley Scott: By this stage of the proceedings, you’ve lost the ability to concentrate or focus. Might be the Roman one, or the Robin Hood one, or is it the biblical one? Doesn’t matter too much. Russell grunts around for a couple of hours whilst CGI attempts to fill in the plot holes.
Luther: Starring Idris Elba. In this cheery Christmas special, Luther is tracking a serial killer who dresses up as Father Christmas and slaughters orphans with a bow saw then dissolves their bodies in battery acid before stealing their presents. Features some incredible acting as Luther, in a santa hat, stares moodily off a bridge whilst snow falls to a sub-Massive Attack soundtrack to try and distract you from how stupid the plot is. Looks great though!
Where Eagles Drink (1965): Sir Richard Bourbon, Oliver Whisky, Peter O’Pissed with Gerhard Laager as ‘The Nazi’. Set during World War Two, a team of crack commandos played by the cream of British acting talent, plus an American, are captured by the nazis and imprisoned in a castle. They then attempt to escape by drinking their way out of the wine cellar.
Poo Poo Bum Fart (Netflix): Another new Adam Sandler film on Netflix. If you don’t like this one, something equally dreadful will be along next week.
Ocadon’t: Horror. Matthew McConaughey plays an Ocado delivery driver who terrorises residents of ordinary suburban streets by turning up late, making apparently insane items substitutions, refusing to carry the shopping into the house, and double parking next Range Rovers.
Never Say Never Once More Again Ever Again: Sean Connery is back as Bond in his 80s. Incredible action unfolds as Bond is charged with finding whoever stole his rather lucrative pension plan. Features a low speed Toyota Yaris car chase, talking about how it was different in the old days, and walking into Qs laboratory and immediately forgetting what he’d walked in there for. The famous Bond sense of humour is here also, as Blofeld attempts to kill Bond halfway through his prostate exam; “I’m here to look up and old friend Mr Bond!”
Harry Potter and the Crusty Sock: Starring Daniel Radcliffe as the boy wizard. A new term at Hogwarts, and Harry is developing strange feelings for all females at Hogwarts, even Professor McGonagall. Only thinking about Hagrid taking a bath can supress this strange enchantment.