PROUD OF ME

I had dreams that one day I would be able to stand in front of my son and tell him I’ve made something out of my life instead of wasting away in a job that requires me to march around and stay in step and follow those I know are detrimental to my state of mental health and ship me off I’m not a name but a number or a statistic if I were gone tomorrow it’s ok I served my country he’s a hero give him a medal and be a distant memory of those who came before me trying to put there name in history but what about my story ! I want to be someone who’s remembered as a great man who made plans and followed through a kind man with a big heart with love to give and story’s to tell my kids and there kids after, but I’m stuck in this robotic world running around saying “yes sr” “right away sr” always someone else’s puppet dragged around by these strings I am bound but it’s all my fault I put my John handcock on the dotted line and for what ? Pease of mind that I have a pay check coming in every 1st of the month and place to rest my head and food that tastes like rubber to build me into a physically fit soldier so I can fight in this political war for the politicians that sit behind there comfy thrones and get to go home and see there family’s every day every holiday birthday but when it comes to me I haven’t seen a day where i was home with my family on the days that mattered the most to me at this point I can’t say I’ll live to see 23 but only god can see will he guid me ? Will he protect me ? Will he make the pain go away ? All these questions running through my head it’s turned me into this psychotic crazy person with no dreams of ever seeing the reality of what can be as I stand forth all I want is you to be proud of me as your father and as my son but at this point I feel as if I failed you because I have nothing to show but a few ribbons and a medal. for what ? Nothing ? Let me show you I can do better and be the person you want me to be, that guided you every step and was there every Saturday and birthday watched you grow and rewrite all my wrongs like the love songs that come on the radio and see you on the tv and on the front cover of my favorite Sunday morning magazine who was there at your graduation screaming at the top of my lungs because for me I got my GED and job the next day I’d be damned to see you end up like me but I already know your going to be 100 times better than me because my life is big fucked up nightmare of a story, so you can see and change to aspire to be someone better than me. Most of my days all I’m thinking about is the time or seconds 2..3 Walking down the street most days my feelings get the best of me people confront me, ask me “are you ok” and I would reply “of course and smile “ and walk away, if you know my feelings on the inside I would rip open my rib cage and watch the demons escape, and if I die before I wake I pray the lord my sole to take and if he shall not bless me then drag me straight to hell and welcome me for I will be silently waiting, constantly reminded of what I’ve done that’s brought me to this place. but I can’t do this to you my own mind weighs heavy don’t be like me I’m just sad and pathetic it came from the years of pain and abuse of being a fat kid who really loved cake and trying to run away every lunch break to avoid that same embarrassing beating I got right in front of the girl I had a crush on since I was the age of 6, now Ill never get a call or text “do you remember me” I do! I think about you all the time what a life we could have had if we didn’t fall off. I won’t let you be like me I’ll raise you better because you deserve better I love you with all my heart. your the light in my life that makes the worries and pains go away as I hold you in my arms and look at you in your face I’ll stand before you and when the time comes stand before me a proud son to a proud father.

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