What next?

Would you rather fill colors in a portrait, or have a blank canvas to paint in whatever you like?

These words were said to me when I was at an extremely indecisive, frustrated and dejected turn of life. Even though I loved my work more than words could ever describe, it seemed ‘not quite enough' to keep me going. And it was not a new feeling. I had been feeling so since a couple of months by then. But the fear of ‘what next?’ kept me from acknowledging the discomfort. I kept suppressing it in favor of little highs like writing an outstanding recommendation presentation for a client. When you do good work, you don’t need appreciation from the outside world. The high of having met (and sometimes, even surpassed) your own expectations is enough to keep you floating.

But time and again, that nagging feeling of discomfort, of being too comfortable, and of not doing enough would raise its ugly hood leaving me almost depressed for days. It went on for about three months. And then one day, I decided to take control. I quit my job.

I quit my job. I felt liberated. But I would be met with questioning gazes from people when I would answer ‘I don’t know, yet' to their ‘So, what next?’. I don’t know, yet, what am I going to do next. But I didn’t want it to be the reason I stayed stuck in a job where I wasn’t feeling good enough. Severing that obligation was more important (and urgent) than finding the next opportunity. And I did exactly that. And now, I have a blank canvas in front of me. Till I decide to paint it with anything I want.

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