Adventures in Brexit (Part 3): Moggy on a mission

Feeling their time has come, Rees-Mogg and the ERG make a play for power. “England Prevails!”

These articles each pull together a series of my ‘Brexit Live Adventure’ Tweets in one continuous piece. They are unedited (with the exception of the occasional typo correction) from those that were Tweeted live, to preserve the flow created by Twitter threading and character limits.

This series covers 19th — 20th November 2018. You can start at the beginning here.

MAY: Anything in the morning papers?
LIDINGTON: Rees-Mogg says the ERG have almost got enough letters in
MAY: Ha! He said that on Friday too. Have you ever been to an ERG meeting?
LIDINGTON: God no
MAY: It’s like someone injected liquefied YouTube comments into some ham

<At the ERG>

FIELD: …And that’s why Doctor Who should go back to being a man
REES-MOGG: Thank you Mark. Most enlightening. Next up Christopher Chope
CHOPE: It’s time we had International Men’s Day…
GOVE: ThErE aLReadY is OnE
CHOPE: Sorry what?
GOVE: nO ReALLY. iT’s toDaY

GOVE: InTERNatIONal MeN’S dAY iS tODay
CHOPE: Must be new!
GOVE: iT’s BEen ArOuND siNCE 1992
REES-MOGG: Good work all! Definitely new!
GOVE: iS mY HuMAn vOICE nOt wORKing? I sAId 1992
REES-MOGG: Well this is a bloody big victory for ERG political pressure!
GOVE: iS ThIS ThINg oN?

REES-MOGG: Okay, I know you’re all keen to head off and celebrate the new International Men’s Day
GOVE <aside>: wHIch is nOt neW
REES-MOGG: But PLEASE don’t forget to put your letters! Hands up everyone who has done so… Oh Chris.
CHOPE: Sorry Moggy
REES-MOGG: Do it today please

<back at Number 10>

MAY: So I think today we come out on the attack
LIDINGTON: Emphasise the problems of a no-deal? People’s unrealistic expectations around Brexit? The value of compromise? I like it
MAY: I was just going to wail on immigrants for a bit
LIDINGTON: That works too

LIDINGTON: Greg Clark’s now suggesting we extend the transition period to 2022
MAY: Isn’t that just punting all these issues into the future?
LIDINGTON: Yep. Punts them beyond the next election.
MAY: Oooh. Good point.

LIDINGTON: London just scrapped those ridiculous water cannons Boris bought.
MAY: Oh god! I remember those. Speaking off: where has he been the last few days?! I hate it when he’s suspiciously quiet.
LIDINGTON: It means he’s either plotting or shagging.
MAY: Possibly both.

<The ERG>

REES-MOGG: Chaps! Some of you STILL need to put your letters in
CHOPE: Yes Moggy
REES-MOGG: And
NICE LADY <interrupts>: Hello? Sorry. We’ve got the room for Parents & Toddlers
REES-MOGG: Dear lady! The fate of the country is at stake!
NICE-LADY: Then next time book it

REES-MOGG: The TYRANNY of the REMAINER Cabinet must end! SOVEREIGNTY must return to this Sceptered Isle! Our BORDERS must be secured!
MUFFLED VOICE: Sir this is a McDonalds Drive Thru. You can’t park here.
REES-MOGG: INFAMY!
GOVE: I tHInK TheREs a CoSTA CoFFEe rOUnd tHe CoRNeR

<In Costa>

REES-MOGG: May will fear our…
CHOPE: Moggy I don’t think this is real china
REES-MOGG: INFAMY!
FIELD: Moggy! A woman’s breastfeeding!
REES-MOGG: HORROR!
BAKER: Who are all these lone men with laptops? Moggy! They’re MI5!
REES-MOGG: OUTRAGE!
GOVE: ThIS iS sO MuCH FuN

<In the lift>

HAMMOND: How was ERG?
GOVE: a wASTeLaND oF ToXIc mASCuLiNitY AnD PriVIleGE, tINGeD wITh zEOlotRY aND mADNess
STEPHEN: Sounds awful. Why go?
GOVE: eRm, eLdriTCH hOrRor. HaVe WE mEt?
HAMMOND: New Brexit Minister
GOVE: oH DeAr
STEPHEN: Why do people keep saying that?

HAMMOND: Simon, before we go in
STEPHEN: It’s Stephen
HAMMOND: Whatevs. I’ll learn it if you last out the week. Anyway, I bought you a present
STEPHEN: Um. It’s a shirt. Thanks? It’s quite bright
HAMMOND: Wear it to Cabinet. It’s a tradition for Brexit Ministers
STEPHEN: Um. Okay

MAY: Okay. First up today…
GRAYLING: Miss! I have a question!
MAY: …there’s no pizza Chris
GRAYLING: Shit
MAY: This Brexit deal is the best… oh COME ON.
CABINET: <sniggers>
MAY: Who put Stephen in a red shirt?

REES-MOGG: How many letters now?!
BRADY: 27
REES-MOGG: Oh.
BRADY: Wait… 26. I’m pretty certain Grant Shapps put two in.
REES-MOGG: Could you recount?
BRADY: What? In case I’ve missed TWENTY?
REES-MOGG: But everyone promised…
BRADY: Jacob, have you thought about getting a hobby?

REES-MOGG: So that’s the state of affairs chaps. Bit dizzo.
CHOPE: Chin up Moggy!
REES-MOGG: Indeed. We won on creating International Men’s Day!
GOVE: oH fOR gOd SAke
REES-MOGG: And we’ll win here!
ERG: HURRAH!
REES-MOGG: Because we have a secret weapon: The Pamphlet!
ERG: ooOh!

Want more? The story continues here…

If you enjoyed these Tweets, then you can follow the adventure live here. You can also buy me a coffee here, or find my Patreon here. All support gratefully received — the more support I get, the more things I get to write!