Adventures in Brexit (Part 6): Hailing to the Grayling

Theresa and David are in Scotland. And that means Chris is in charge at Number Ten…

These articles each pull together a series of my ‘Brexit Live Adventure’ Tweets in one continuous piece. They are unedited (with the exception of the occasional typo correction) from those that were Tweeted live, to preserve the flow created by Twitter threading and character limits.

This series covers 28th November 2018. You can start at the beginning here.

MAY: Where are we and who is this?
LIDINGTON: Scotland. Fishermen.
MAY: Christ. We’re Tories! Since when do we give a shit about the fishing industry?! It’s only good for two things: evacuating beaches and picking fights with Norwegians
LIDINGTON: They’re pro-Brexit
MAY: Fucksake

MAY: It just makes no sense. We’ve been decimating their fishing communities for decades. Why would they back us now?
LIDINGTON: So have Labour
MAY: Ah.
LIDINGTON: The tragedy of desperation is that it brings false hope
MAY: Well that’s depressing.
LIDINGTON: Brexit means Brexit

MAY: Did they at least get my rider?
LIDINGTON: Here. M&Ms with all the red ones picked out
MAY: Nice. Who’s in charge back home by the way?
LIDINGTON: 
MAY: David
LIDINGTON: It had to be someone who couldn’t hurt us
MAY: Oh no

<In №10>

GRAYLING: This is a bloody big office

GRAYLING <spinning chair>: Wheeee! Okay. David left a list. Oooh! Box with buttons!
BOX WITH BUTTONS: Yes sir?
GRAYLING: Blimey! There’s a tiny man in it! Do you need help little man in the box?
INTERCOM: It’s an intercom sir
GRAYLING: Do you need help little man in the intercom?

MAY: You put GRAYLING in charge?!
LIDINGTON: Literally EVERYONE in Cabinet is plotting against you!
MAY: So’s he!
LIDINGTON: Yes! But he’s USELESS!
MAY: And now in charge of the country!
LIDINGTON: It’s just a week!

<The Kremlin>

AIDE: Grayling is in charge
PUTIN: Take Ukraine

GRAYLING: Sajid! Phil! A tiny man is trapped in this little box!
DAVID: Wha
HAMMOND: Ignore him. Sir, can we go play Fortnite with Ken Clarke?
GRAYLING: Lidington’s list says you should do an economic forecast
DAVID: Our REGULAR Prime Minister would let us sir
GRAYLING: Oh. Okay!

MAY: What about Stephen?
LIDINGTON: He’s here with us. Plus he’s not told his family he’s Brexit Minister yet. That left Gove…
MAY: No. He’s busy
LIDINGTON: You REALLY think he can persuade MPs to vote for this?
MAY: He’s an Eldritch fucking horror David. He has ways and means

<doorbell>

GYIMAH: Hello! Who is… ARRGH!
GOVE: <lich howl>
GYIMAH: Jesus CHRIST Michael
GOVE: gaH. sOrRY. ThE SkIN SuIT SLippeD. wOuLD yOU vOTe wiTH ThE Pm? I bRInG yOU a BOx oF PuPPIes
GYIMAH: CHRIST! They’re all DEAD!
GOVE: FuCK! AiRHoles. StuPID MicHAEL! FleSHLiNGs nEEd aIR

CHOPE: And that’s why…
GOVE: CaN I jUST SaY that I aM suCH a fAN
CHOPE: Sorry?
GOVE: bLOCkinG tHE upSKirT anD FGM BiLLs? I’m aN UnDEad HoRROr fROm tHe DeMON diMEnsIONs anD tHaT sEEmEd SHiTTy eVEn tO mE
CHOPE: Look, not ALL men…
GOVE: SqUEee! I aM fANboYIng sO hARd riGHT nOW!

BRADLEY: But if I back the deal then how can I look the Northern Irish in the eye?
GOVE: iF yOU DoN’T baCK iT i MaY rIP theM OuT
BRADLEY: What?!
GOVE: NoTHiNG
BRADLEY: Micheal what is happening to your face
GOVE: i’M aTTEmpTING a diSSArmING smILE
BRADLEY: It’s… it’s not working

KUENSSBERG: Is it true that the PM secured your loyalty via your Steam Wishlist?
GOVE: ThE Pm HaS mY fULL suPPOrt. BuT iF sHE is WatCHINg I nOTe tHAT SuNLESs SkIEs iS OuT soON
KUENSSBERG: Did you give Sam Gyimah a box of dead puppies?
GOVE: ThEY weRe ALiVe unTIL hE OpENed ThE bOX

<an allotment>

GOVE: hELLo jEReMY
CORBYN: Away vile hellspawn! My MPs will not vote for the deal!
GOVE: pERiSH thE thOUgHT
CORBYN: Good
GOVE: tHOugH, OnE dOEs hyPOthETiCALLY wONdER wHAt yOU mIGht neED tO wHIp tHEm tO aBStaIN
CORBYN:
GOVE:
CORBYN:
GOVE: ShALL i PUt tHE KeTTle oN?

Want more? The story continues here…

If you enjoyed these Tweets, then you can follow the adventure live here. You can also buy me a coffee here, or find my Patreon here. All support gratefully received — the more support I get, the more things I get to write!