Justice Department Disputes Attorney General Sessions Looks Like an Otter
A spokesperson for United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions, denied today that the attorney general looks like an otter. “He’s a weird looking dude,” she stated, “but it’s outrageous to say he looks like a semi-aquatic mammal — he doesn’t even swim.”
Rumors circulating at the Department of Justice indicate that many staffers and long time government employees disagree, and have taken to calling Mr. Sessions “Otter-Boy,” behind his back. A high level Justice Department source suggested that Mr. Sessions has had to cope with the “Otter-Boy” moniker since about 1947, when his parents first started using it, because he looked like an otter.
While the unpleasant name hasn’t held Otter-Boy, er, Mr. Sessions back from achieving the highest law enforcement job in the United States, “it does hurt when people point at his head and laugh,” said a Department of Justice source. “It can be especially bad when people see him, in person, for the first time,” he added.
Another spokesperson said the otter reference was slowing down the work of the Department. “There’s no real protocol for dealing with people who are devastated by his looks,” this spokesperson said. “And it’s not good— we have serious business to do here — locking up the colored people.”
At the J. Scurvy-Ricketts Memorial High School in Alabama, where Mr. Sessions graduated fifty-two years ago, the Young Republicans of Scurvy-Ricketts High celebrated their former student at the annual Bake Sale for White People & Football. The general consensus of the high school students was that Mr. Sessions was not getting a fair shake.
“It ain’t right that people say he looks like an otter,” said Cotton Beauregard Jr. “Everybody knows he looks like a marmot.”