My Wife Left Me and 2 Children. Here is My Report.
My wife left me. She also left our 2 children. She went on a girls trip for 4 days!! 4 days!! So, what did the children and I do for 4 days without mom? We bunkered down and went straight SURVIVAL MODE! Here is our report :
7 PROPS TO ALL THE MOTHERS
During these 4 mommy-less days, I made a list of 7 props or praise or shoutouts to all mothers..
1 : Props to every mom who showers. Double props if you get ready after you shower! Do you always just shower with your babies or do you just let them sit inside the bathroom crying because they can see you but you’re not holding them? That was tough.
2 : Props to every mom who works out. Children are exhausting. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Even though you spend your days lifting babies and running errands, you still find the energy for more lifting and more running. Amazing.
3 : More props if you changed out of your workout clothes!! I mean, if you’re wearing your sweaty gym clothes how do you find motivation to shower and change? You’re going to be right back at the gym sweating 24 hours later so why change? For these 4 days I sure didn’t!
4 : This one is weird but it is real..Props for having small but strong fingers. Seriously! I’m talking about carseats. When you remove the carseat from the seat of a vehicle you’re supposed to have small enough fingers to reach in that tiny hole and then strong enough fingers to pinch the metal and release that gd clasp! (gd = gosh dang)
5 : Props to every mom who makes it outside the house for the day. Especially before noon! Sooo, I had initially planned for a 9am activity. We were only half way through attempting breakfast when that passed. Next was a 12/noon park playdate. Sorry, still trying to get showered and dressed.
6 : Props to the mothers who mix up their routines. Day 1 and 2 were disasters. Day 3 I found a little bit of success with good meals that the kids actually liked and outfits that looked pretty good, and activities they seemed to enjoy. So what did we do for day 4? ALL THE SAME stuff from day 3. We ate the same meals and they wore the same clothes and we went back to that exact same trampoline gym they seemed to like. Had I been flying solo with the kids for 10 more days we would have eaten the same meals and wore the same clothes for 10 more days!
7 : You are the foundation of the family. Props for that. But, it basically means you can’t crack. You’re not allowed to be sick. You’re not allowed to be cranky. You carry the mood of the entire family on your back. If mom is sad then everyone is sad. What I’m trying to say is : PROPS!
5 RANTS TO THE WORLD
During these 4 mommy-less days, I made a list 5 rants or vents or complaints to the world..
1 : Why aren’t there more drive-thru’s?? Like everywhere and for everything!! Do you understand how much work it is to remove each child from their carseats and then get them back in? It’s exhausting even if they don’t put up a fight as you put them back in. I’m assuming that has ever happened..has a child ever not put up a fight? Maybe? Didn’t think so.. So if I need to stop at 2 stores and then pick up some food that means I need to deal with those car seats 8 times per child that day??! OR, you could think of me and your other customers and build a drive-thru. Plz..
2 : Every children’s activity place should also have a cafe inside or nearby. A healthy cafe plz. If children don’t eat they die. If there is no food at your establishment then my children don’t eat. You see how serious this is??!
3 : Dear world, plz don’t stare. I know. I’m a circus. As I was lost in the labyrinth of the grocery store looking for apple sauce pouches that for some maddening reason are NOT in the baby isle, and both my kids are crying, I know!!..We are a mess. I thought I might get a few looks like, “oh look at that young father taking care of his kids that is hot”..nope..just looks like, “dude, where is your wife?”
4 : If it is not possible with 1 arm then it is IMPOSSIBLE! Is your product easy to use with 1 arm while my other arm is permanently occupied holding my baby? No?? Then I’m out. Sorry. IMPOSSIBLE!
5 : Free Life Tip : If you are speaking to a parent that is currently holding a baby or toddler and aforementioned child begins to fuss or cry..Then kindly finish the conversation asap. Chances are, the parent is overly courteous and won’t force you to end your story..It is up to you!
3 INVENTIONS FOR EVERY PARENT
During these 4 mommy-less days, I came up with 3 must-exist inventions..
1 : The Baby Carwash
Here’s how it works. Your baby does something ridiculous in their diaper. Gross. Instead of change that poopy diaper the old fashioned way, you simply hold them over the toilet, cinch The Baby Carwash (TM pending) around their waste and flush the toilet. “Whoosh! Shazaam! Kapow!” Done! Un-cinch from the waste and your baby is clean and good to go!!
2 : The Venus Carseat
Yer welcome world for this one..Simply place your baby over the carseat and The Venus Carseat (TM pending) will do the rest!! “Swoosh! Ohpa! Heyo!” Done! You child is safely strapped into the carseat lickitty splitt!
3 : The Baby Bane
This isn’t what you think. Just kidding, it really is. But, lemme explain. There are simply those times when you NEEED your baby to be quiet. Introducing : the safe, reliable, safe, comfortable, and safe Baby Bane (TM pending). Simply strap this comfortable and only slightly intimidating mask onto your baby’s head. “Voila! Kachow! Yasss!” Silence..The baby can still hear its own cries and there is an LED indicator showing sound levels to the parent. I’m writing this blog post in peace and quiet as both my children happily wear their Baby Bane masks <<VERY JUST KIDDING.
Mother, I Love You
To my wife Jessica, I love you. You are strong, gorgeous, patient, and impressive in countless ways. Your spirit is beautiful and it makes everyone around you more joyful.
To my own mother, I love you. THANK YOU for everything you have done for me since before I was even born. Thank you for making kindness the focus of your parenting. I understand its importance more each day.
To other mothers reading this : You have my admiration, love, and respect. A special BIG thanks to my wife’s friends. I’m grateful she has you as such wonderful examples and true friends. You mean the world to her and we’re lucky to have you in our lives.
To other fathers reading this : uuuhhh..Maybe don’t show this to your wife. She’ll probably leave you for a 4 day girls trip. Sorry bout that one :/
Sincerely,
ps. Brody and I made you and Cara a little video while you were at the gym. Just wanted to show you guys what your kiddos reeaally think of you ;)
Happy Mothers Day!!
