How The Internet Is Our Child

We’re those parents that won’t let go.

Baby Internet

20 years ago, the Internet was a miracle that we clung to as a creation of our ourselves. We nurtured it, coddled it, even gave it cute names.

“The Information Super-Highway”

Breaking Out of the Crib

The web wasn’t okay being young and tiny and told what to do. So, in the middle of the night when nobody was looking, it got out of bed and started going through our stuff — just like a toddler. This toddler, though, forced it’s way into our bank accounts and our infrastructure and our schools and we punished it.

“Think about what you’ve done.”

Everybody knows the kid in school that probably should have been on a firm Adderall regimen. The Internet was dismissed as being a bad seed.

Spam

What do we do when nobody listens? We say whatever the hell it takes to be heard and we don’t stop until we get what we want. Email boxes filled up and Nigeria bankrupted at least a billion of its princes.

“Fine, Internet, we’ll listen. Just stop yelling”

Memes

After kicking and screaming and crying and moaning, the Internet had its first taste of identity.

Oh boy did it identify itself.

Just like a teenager, it clung onto weird ideas that spread like wildfire but don’t make a damn bit of sense to anybody that’s not a teenager.

Slapping an idea on a picture and calling it a “’message” sounds like a kid stuck in high school trying to put together a poster board the night before it’s due. But hey, the Internet graduated.

And now it’s in college…

Internet understands that maybe it went through some growing pains and said some weird shit.

BUT — it got into a great school, despite some hiccups.

The Internet got accepted to the best university ever to exist:

Social

The Internet is in college right now and it’s doing great. It’s making connections and spreading ideas. It’s discovering new dimensions of itself like a kid on an acid trip.

The Internet is gearing up.

We coddled it when it was a baby but punished it when it was bad. We told it not to talk and then decided we didn’t want to listen anyway. We said, “yeah, but that’s not how the world actually works. When you’re older, you’ll understand.”

The Internet is about to graduate and it’s going to take every single job that everybody said it couldn’t do. If you can’t feel tremors from the earthquake caused by the massive middle finger the Internet is going to flip at us, you must not be sitting on the same ground that I am, because I’m shaking.


The Internet will most likely drop out of college, and we all know what a drop-out genius with a point to prove can do. This drop-out just happens to be the reason that you’re already reading this. Just be ready.

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