On May-7, my wife and I welcomed a baby girl into the world. As much as I had read, researched, and binged on YouTube videos about parenthood and becoming a Dad, nothing could prepare me for the seismic changes that would occur upon her arrival. Here are a few of them.
I had heard stories from parents who, upon seeing their child for the first time, had become overwhelmed with love and couldn’t stop crying. That was not my experience! Because we had a traumatic delivery and she was born not breathing on her own, I was more overcome with anxiety and worry when I first saw my daughter. Plus, she looked a little like E.T. Within 24 hours due to low blood sugars, she had to be taken to the Neonatal ICU for an IV. While sitting with her bedside, hooked up to an IV and sleeping soundly, it hit me. Now I would consider myself to be more sensitive than the average guy and perhaps more emotional. However, I don’t cry very often. But then and there, something awoke in me and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and making some very interesting noises (not unlike the noises I’d be hearing regularly from my baby in the days and weeks to come 👶)
Emotions.
For the next week, I was an emotional wreck. Driving home from the Hospital as we listed to our Baby Playlist,I couldn’t contain myself. Daughter, by Loudon Wainwright came on and I could picture myself dancing with my child at her wedding. Up next was Perfect, by Ed Sheeran and I was a mess. I would soon learn that songs I had enjoyed my whole life had taken on new meaning. Bridge over Troubled Water, by Simon and Garfunkel, and I Won’t Give up, by Jason Mraz are a few. Sweet Pea, by Amos Lee is on repeat — I love dancing with her around our living room with this playing.
This wasn’t true for just songs on the radio. My wife surprised me with a book, Daddy Cuddles, by Anne Gutman and I balled. Watching her sleep, holding her in my arms, seeing other Fathers with their children, diaper commercials, viewing friends’ family pics on Instagram, flowers, sunshine, you name it — all stir up a new level of emotion for me. But these are not surface-level, fleeting emotions. How would I describe this feeling? I’d call it love.
Love.
This is love alright, but it’s a kind of love I’ve never known before. This is the kind of love I had heard about but never fully grasped. The kind of love that could cause you to climb the tallest mountain, swim the deepest sea, hike across the driest desert, or whatever other analogy you can think of. I would do anything for my baby girl — I would give my life for her. Day to day, this has manifested itself in some interesting ways. With her in the car, I’m very alert. If another driver approaches too fast in my rearview, my adrenelane pumps. When we have her at the store, and someone gets too close, I can feel my pupils dialate. At home, I’m always trying to ensure she has everything she needs (at this point namely a clean diaper, a full stomach and lots of cuddles). It’s an overcoming desire to protect, both my daughter but also my wife. A desire to keep them both safe no matter what. To ensure that my family is taken care of, first and foremost.
My Mortality.
It’s an incredible responsibility being a Father, one that I’m still trying to grasp. It changes your perspective on everything. What has struck me is how it has put me face to face with my mortality. I’m currently on the third and final week of my Paternity Leave before heading back to work. The thought of leaving her for a minute, let alone 8 hours scares the shit out of me. I want to spend every moment with her. To snuggle with her, to see her laugh, to comfort her when she cries, to dance with her, to protect her, to teach her how this world works, to watch her grow up and achieve her dreams, to give her all the love she deserves — to ensure she knows she’s loved unconditionally and that she’s perfect just as she is. So the thought that I will be gone someday is frightening. Which is why I know that every moment with her is a gift and why I will savour every single one. That includes the all of the good and all of the bad (side note: sleep deprivation sucks! 😴) All moments with her are a blessing.
I became a Father two weeks ago and one thing is for certain, nothing will be the same again. And that is a very good thing.
-GG
