How To Be A Good Parent While Going Through A Divorce

Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash
John T. Chirban, Ph.D., Th.D., is a clinical instructor in psychology at Harvard Medical School and author of Collateral Damage: Guiding and Protecting Your Child Through the Minefield of Divorce. In a Blog entry for Psychology Today on August 28, 2016, he wrote an article titled, “Will Your Child Be Part of the Collateral Damage of Divorce?” In the article, he stated, ‘The bad news is that most studies generally confirm the negative consequences of divorce. The good news is that the impact of divorce for your children is within your control.’
I have found this to be true personally with my adult children and grandchildren as well. After being married for over 36 years, I was faced with the challenge of not letting the collateral damage associated with the divorce destroy my children and grandchildren.
My goal is to empower you to minimize the relational and social damage that your children are at risk of suffering during this volatile season.
A good starting point would be the mindset articulated by Dr. Chirban in the closing paragraph of the article. “The quality of your parenting is the single most important factor for saving your child from becoming a statistic of collateral damage stemming from divorce.”
The quality of our parenting improves the better informed we are. A great place to start is recognizing the three main categories of children from divorced families and understanding how to interact with each of them.
They are as follows:
The Silent Child
Many times this child has internalized his/her confusion and hurt and isn’t willing to talk about it. They feel responsible in some way for the divorce, carrying a heavy load of guilt. They are grieving over what they might have done to cause the divorce. Because of this inner turmoil, they prefer being left alone. Silence is one of the ways they have chosen to deal with their grief.
Advice for the parent:
Reassure them that they have done nothing to cause the situation. Love them unconditionally; realizing the pain you have experienced may be even greater in their hearts and minds.
Anytime you are with the child, always talk positively and respectfully regarding the other parent. Don’t forget that divorce hasn’t changed the biological fact that you both are still their parents.
Remember, each child has a different internal stopwatch. Allow them to process life’s changes in their own time frame.
The Angry Child
The challenge of the angry child is they often resist any attempt by either parent to console them. The process is further complicated as they sometimes direct their anger toward one of the parents, interfering with the renewal process. The parent on the opposite side will be blamed for everything, regardless of the facts. In their young minds, they can only feel the anguish and hurt. The simple truth remains, that hurting people tend to hurt other people. This is also true with these little people.
Advice for the parent:
While reassurance and love may be resisted by this child, keep on reassuring and loving them. Over a period of time, the angry wall of defense will be broken down, and the door of relationship will be reopened.
Time is not your enemy, but your ally. Allow the child the time to process their grief in an unhurried manner.
Since this child is most likely to choose sides, use extreme caution in how you reference the other parent. Respect and courtesy is a must in the dialog.
Remember, they still want their mom and dad. While the togetherness is absent, continuing to fulfill your role in their lives is absolutely essential.
The Teenage Child
While this group may possess one or both of the above-mentioned challenges, the element of hormonal changes in their lives further compounds the ultimate solution in bringing back a state of normalcy. They are caught between childhood and adulthood, and the confusion surrounding the divorce adds a third dynamic for them to handle.
Advice for the parent:
Whether the child is a son or daughter, both need the dual component of the parental relationship. They both need mom and dad.
The time that you invest in your children can’t be replaced by anyone else because it represents a portion of your life that you have given them. Later in life my oldest daughter told me that her love language was time. Especially in her teens she valued the time spent by her mother and I more than gifts or any other thing. I believe based on this revelation that T-I-M-E is another way of spelling love since it represents a part of you that can’t be reclaimed or duplicated.
Try and be sensitive to the emotional state of this child when with them. The words you say are not nearly as significant as the fact that you are there. Always show your affection and love for them, even though it may not be readily reciprocated. Grant them appropriate time and space, and they will eventually respond.
Conclusion
Because divorce isn’t a planned or scheduled event, there is no foolproof template for dealing with the resulting fallout. It has been my experience, however, that you can protect your children from becoming victims of collateral damage.
Just as it will take time for the adults to adjust to the absence of a spouse, so will be the process with the children concerning mom and dad. They must be reassured that they are in no way responsible for the way things have transpired. Cover them with your love and affection. Be there for them at every available opportunity. Because we show our love by the time we invest, time is of the greatest importance.
When they resort to cutting and vengeful words, remember, they are hurting inside and don’t know how to express it in a healthy manner. Since we are the adults, it is our responsibility to show them by example, even though we are dealing with our own grief.
Continue to love them through their confusion and turmoil. Every day marked off on the calendar will bring them one day closer to the healing that only time can fully perform.
I leave you with a verse in the Bible that has encouraged me continually on this difficult journey. I hope it does the same for you.
Romans 8:28, ‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.’
