The New York Real Estate Agent To English Dictionary

A friend of mine has been looking to purchase a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan, to no avail. In response to early setbacks he wrote this dictionary for other weary buyers. I have preserved his anonymity so as not to jeopardize any current relationships he may have with his RE Agent.

Cozy — Small
Cute — Small
Charming — Small
Spacious — Small
Pied a terres welcome — Too small to actually live in
1 Bedroom — Alcove Studio
Studio — Closet
Virtual Doorman — Doorbell
Part-Time Doorman — Had a doorman once…for about a month…1986
Full-Service Building — Doorman willing to procure prostitutes and/or drug dealers for $50 tip
White Glove Building — Any minority you see in this building will be wearing a uniform
River/Park view — On a clear day…standing on the roof…with binoculars
Upper East Side — Harlem
Upper West Side — Washington Heights
Minutes to Midtown — New Jersey
FiDi — Douchebags, Douchebags everywhere
Liberal Sublet policy — After 12 years…with board approval…tenant must submit credit report, last 10 years of tax returns, high school transcript, letter of reference from The Pope and recent colonoscopy
Easy Approval — Co-op board would require 2 character references from Gandhi and a 6 month security deposit from Warren Buffett
Guarantors Welcome — Provided guarantor has a net worth exceeding the GDP of Switzerland
Immediate Occupancy — Currently undergoing major renovations
Gut Renovated — Recently on fire
Fixer-Upper — Currently on fire
On-site laundry — ‘site’ in question is laundromat 6 blocks away
Elevator — which last worked in 1972
Investor friendly building — 4% of units owner-occupied…good luck getting a mortgage OR Rent controlled tenant in place since World War 1
Prewar charm — Radiators make noises that sound like they are from either a good horror movie or a bad porno whenever the temperature drops below 45
nth floor walkup — n+3 floor walkup
All Utilities Included — except water, gas and electricity
Balcony — Fire escape
All new kitchen — Most of the fire damage has been covered up
Won’t Last — Building inspector spotted in area
No fee — except application fee, credit check fee, broker’s fee and bribe to property manager
Offer Accepted — You were planning to bid 20% over asking, right?
Under Contract — You were planning to bid 40% over asking, right?
Right in your price range — $150,000 more than you said was your absolute maximum
Exactly what you asked for — except for the location, size, amenities and price

I look forward to more entries as his journey continues! Best of luck my friend.

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