BEFORE MELANIA: DONALD TRUMP WEIGHS IN ON THE FIRST LADIES OF U.S. HISTORY

“Earlier this week, after the death of Nancy Reagan, Donald Trump on Twitter called her “the wife of a truly great President” and “an amazing woman.” “She will be missed!” he wrote. In 2004, though, Trump wasn’t as enthusiastic about the wife of the 40th president and the Republican Party icon. “She was never very beautiful,” he said.” — www.politico.com

Although he is now saying nice things about Nancy Reagan, Donald J. Trump, Republican candidate for President, blamed the media for making such a “big deal” out of what he said about Mrs. Reagan in 2004. “Com’n” said Trump, “have some respect why don’t you.” He further explained that it didn’t matter if Nancy was “a looker or not, first ladies don’t have to be beautiful to be great, although Melania would make history as the greatest, most gorgeous First Lady in history, isn’t she something?.”

The Trump campaign has now issued the following list of Mr. Trump’s opinions and ratings of First Ladies throughout history to prove that he’s not being mean to Nancy Reagan. His comparative thoughts and his comments are based on “strength of character, greatness of fortitude, inner “you-know”, and outer beauty (but “let’s face it, mostly outer beauty”).”

Scale goes from 1 to 10. With “1” being “just a disaster” and “10” being “almost close to Melania.”

Martha Washington — “She was the first! Personally I don’t know how she put up with George’s teeth — ugh, those wooden teeth! But back then it was all about the wig and she really knocked it out of the park on that count! A solid 8 (by 1770s standards)”

Abigail Adams — “I think I saw something on the History Channel about how she was really into personal grooming. Good for her! On the other hand, she had a lot of opinions. A 5!”

Martha Wayles Skelton Jefferson — “Not really a looker and died before Thom was even in office. Look, I guess some guys like eyes a little far apart. A 3 maybe!”

Dolley Madison — “She had a great laugh I heard and every picture of her shows off her real presidential assets! An easy 7!”

Elizabeth Kortright Monroe — “I gotta say, a little bit horsey around the face. A 4.”

Louisa Catherine Adams — “A little trivia I had someone look up for me: Louisa is the first First Lady born outside the USA. She’s no Melania, but as an immigrant she was one of the great immigrants Wikipedia tells me. A 6! Not bad!”

Rachel Jackson — “She was a big girl, but one of the sexy big ones, you know? Wiki tells me she died just after Jackson was elected. I really like First Ladies who served, not First Ladies who died before they could serve. Overall, a 5.”

Hannah Hoes Van Buren — “I gotta say, this time period in the mid, you know 18somethings — which is NOT a time when America was great by the way! — was not good to First Ladies. Married to Van Buren and poof, dead before he serves. Van Buren didn’t remarry, which sounds ridiculous now-a-days. A 4 I’m thinking, yeah, a 4.”

Anna Tuthill Symmes Harrison — “Somebody told me she was only there for a little while, and was the oldest First Lady, but if you check out the old oil paintings, yowza! she could be, maybe, a GILF. Great name too, right? Am I right? Let’s call it a 6 or 1880s 7.”

Letitia Christian Tyler — “A cold fish everyone says! I disavow! A 2!”

Julia Gardiner Tyler — “She also married Tyler and was young. She loved the press and never missed a chance to get her etchings in the paper. My kinda gal! An 8!”

Sarah Childress Polk — “Look, I don’t want to sound mean, I’m not a mean guy, I love women. That’s a fact…ask any women that really know me. I’ve been great to all of my wives and I’ve got great girl children too. Sarah Polk though kinda looked like a guy to me. 3.”

Margaret Mackall Smith Taylor — “Great example of one of those women who just loved her husband and traveled around with him making him feel great about himself. This is super important for a First Lady and actually all women. Kind of a plain face, but I give’r a 6.”

Abigail Powers Fillmore — “Meh. So was her husband who really was a pussy. A 3.”

Jane M. Pierce — “Apparently not a big party girl. When I’m President, that is one thing that won’t happen! Melania will absolutely be out there entertaining a lot and talking to other hot wives of other, you know, leaders. Oh, Pierce? A 5.”

Mary Todd Lincoln — “Look, we all know she was a little, I’m not trying to be mean, I was just telling Howard Stern that Lincoln was the most patient guy ever, but this broad…yeesh. I saw a movie once where she was really, how do I say this in the “politically correct” way, um, I don’t know, she was just nuts. Trust me, trust me. She did everything she could to derail Abe’s career before he got shot. I think he would have been a great president even if he hadn’t been shot, but let’s face it, getting shot was the best thing for his history thing. Mary Todd though gets a straight up 7 for that being-out-of-control thing, which, if I’m being truthful, can be a turn-on.”

Eliza McCardle Johnson — “They can’t all be winners. Johnson also had one of those man-faces. Maybe a 5, I read she had good teeth, so there’s that.”

Julia Dent Grant — “She gets points just for putting up Ulysses! That guy could drink! I bet he would have loved Trump Vodka! From what I read, she was a great hostess — lots of parties and such. She realized that the war was over and people were sick and tired of arguing. Me too by the way, look, I don’t like to argue, I’m a unifier! Bing, bong, boon — she gets a 7 because she had to kiss that beard!”

Lucy Webb Hayes — “What kind of name is Rutherford? It’s tough to get past that name and I think she was not the kind of First Lady who could relate to the average American like Melania. Look, I don’t want to judge her just by one quick Google search, but when I read she didn’t let alcohol in the White House, I was like, ‘get her out of here, get her out! Who cares what she looked like — a 3!”

Lucretia Rudolph Garfield — “Lucretia? Seriously, she needs a new name. I mean, I’m sorry her husband got shot — did you know that? Not a lot of people remember Garfield got shot. They just think of the cat, you know. And the lasagna, which is crazy, right? Anyway, ‘Lucretia’ is not a hot name. 4, maybe!”

Ellen Lewis Herndon Arthur — “Another one who died before her husband took office. Yeesh, it was tough on wives back then. I don’t know, who cares, a 5, alright?”

Frances Folsom Cleveland — “She was a great first lady both times, the second time I bet she knew what she was doing, you know what I mean? She was the youngest First Lady ever — I think she was younger than my gorgeous daughter Ivanka is, but definitely older than Baron. I guess she didn’t know what she was doing, but when you’re that age, who does. My father wouldn’t even trust me to own a whole building when I was 21 and there she was in the White House, you gotta give it to her. Plus, Grover was a guy’s guy despite that goofy name. A 7 for sure.”

Caroline Lavinia Scott Harrison — “She was the first First Lady to put a Christmas tree in the White House! My kind of lady! I’ve said that when I’m President finally people would be able to say “Merry Christmas” again, not like now where you get arrested for saying it under Obamacare. From those grainy photographs, it looks like she had quite a bosom. An 8.”

Frances Folsom Cleveland — “See what I wrote before, only she was older, so maybe a 5.”

Edit Kermit Carow Roosevelt — “Boy she must’ve been quite a gal to keep up with Teddy. Rough rider indeed! I used to love the Roosevelts before they became Democrats. I liked them when they were conservative Republicans like me. She’s a solid 6! A 6!”

Helen Herron Taft — “Look, she had a stroke, so let’s be nice and not mention her chin. A pity 6.”

Ellen Axson Wilson — “Not a lot of people remember Ellen Axson Wilson because she was Woody’s first wife. Died really young. Edith gets all the attention. Ellen was okay though, nothing flashy. Some solid First Ladying, but only for a little while. A 7 maybe, sure, why not.”

Edith Bolling Galt Wilson — “What a first lady this lady was! My people know that if I get laid out by a stroke or something, Melania will be in charge. She gets to sign whatever and she’ll get out there and just be great for the country. Just like Edith. Not a looker, but brains, brains! An 8!”

Florence Kling Harding — “A pretty popular first lady considering the fact that her husband was a disaster — a disaster! Give her a 7 just for sticking with “Little Warren.”

Grace Goodhue Coolidge — “You know what? She was pretty. Not my type, but she had a little something something going on there in that face. If she hadn’t had such bad taste in men — Coolidge was horrible — horrible! Anyway, let’s keep going, I’ll say 8 because I’m that kind of guy.”

Lou Henry Hoover — “I had to look this one up, because I thought maybe it was a guy and the “Hoover” was J. Edgar, who I didn’t remember being president, but maybe he was and I just got mixed up… it happens, what can you do? Anyway Lou Hoover had, I guess, well, according to Wikipedia, a ‘great radio voice’ which counts for something. A lot of gray hair though, and I don’t think America wants their leaders to have lots of gray hair. Maybe that’s politically incorrect to say, but there I said it. A 5 also because of the depression thing.”

Eleanor Roosevelt — “This one is tough. She was not a beautiful woman, I’m not alone in saying that. She should have seen a dentist. I don’t know what went on there, but if I was Franklin, I would have more than suggested that. And the other strike against her is that she was nice — too nice to everyone! Negroes, farmers, poor people, lesbians — again, I’m not politically correct, deal with it. She was better than that Rosie O’Donnell though, at least she knew to keep it thin. Like I said, this one is tough. I’ll give her a 4 because of the lesbian rumors and I guess helping Americans get through the war. Yeah, a solid 4.”

Bess Wallace Truman — “Not a happy lady. Melania knows that when we make it to the White House she’s got to show that she’s the happiest, cheeriest, most gorgeous woman around. Not a sour puss. A 5 only because I think she talked Harry into dropping the A-bomb, I’m pretty sure.”

Mamie Doud Eisenhower — “Boy, I liked Ike! What a guy! Reagan was great, but the America I want to be great again is when Eisenhower was president. Gas was cheap, people did what you told them, there was like zero crime, Russia knew who was boss. Mamie was along for the ride and a very handsome woman. A solid 7, borderline 6, but let’s say 7!”

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis — “I was a young man back when Jackie O was, you know, Jackie OOOhhhhh! I have to admit that I pleasured myself many times to pictures of her. Not with the bloody pillbox hat of course, but other outfits. That class, that voice, that smile. A 9 for sure. Excuse me, I have to step out.”

Lady Bird Johnson — “This was one tough broad. LBJ was a son-of-a-bitch. I’m not saying anything everybody else hasn’t said, but I heard Lady Bird really had the balls in the family. She did a lot for America, even though she was a Democrat. I give her a Southern 7!”

Pat Nixon — “It’s hard to imagine someone married to Nixon for that long. Nixon was a genius to get her and keep her. Without Pat Nixon, Richard Nixon is a really, really not nice guy, but she softened him. I can’t say she’s sexy or anything, because, ugh, who wants to picture anyone with Dick Nixon, but she deserves some pity points. A 6.”

Betty Ford — “I love a broad with problems that you can help solve. Because of Betty Ford, I was very close to starting a Trump Alcoholics Anonymous Center for people like her. I had investors, even though I didn’t need them, it would have been great, really great. Beautiful site off the Keys. Deal fell through. It happens, even to me, it happens. She had a great smile though and I’m sorry about the breast thing. Again, a pity 6”

Rosalynn Carter — “Jimmy Carter said he had lust in his heart for other women. Typical Democratic nonsense, instead of taking care of business at home, he wants to go out and make strangers feel good first. Rosalynn though was kind of a hottie, I said it, she had some short skirts some time and looked like a great First Lady. I’m going to be nice and say 7. If Jimmy hadn’t been such an absolute horrific disaster for the country, like a holocaust or something, I might have gone higher.”

Nancy Reagan — “No comment”

Barbara Bush — “She’s still living, so I’ll keep it civil, but as a mother I give her a 2. George and Jeb are a disaster separately and then when you put them together, you barely have a pair between them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a loyal Republican, so when George was President, I was for him. Now, I’m not for him. But Barbara is a real American ballbuster, so you gotta admire that. Looks wise though, I don’t even want to go there.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton — “Just the worst. Horrible. Had that liar husband Bill, who, quite frankly, and I’m not saying anything out of line when I say, he couldn’t keep it in his pants. They’re just really bad, awful people. She’s a nightmare. Benghazi, am I right? And she dresses like one of those First Ladies from the 18somethings who died early. The only nice thing I’ll say, because I’m not a jerk, right, but the only thing I’ll say is that it was nice of her to come to my third wedding. A 3 if she’s lucky.”

Laura Bush — “It’s gotta be tough to have lived through 9/11 and all the lies that her husband told people about all of that. She always smiled though and heard she’s a librarian, so she must know about my book “The Art of the Deal” which is the number 2 best-selling business book of all time after the Bible. She’s sweet, not my type, but, I like’m uptight sometimes. A 7!

Michelle Obama — “She’d be a lot more attractive if it weren’t for Obamacare and Obama’s disgusting treatment of the veterans and Obama’s fake birth certificate that we really don’t know everything about like how did the Kenyans steal an American birth certificate form? Michelle keeps showing off with her forcing kids to exercise and making them not be fat which is their right as kids. Although she’s not my type or the type of anyone of my supporters, she is beautiful, and back when I was a Democrat I feel pretty confident that I could have her if I wanted, but I’d like to sound respectful and Presidential when I say that she is a stone-cold 8 1/2!”