Lying is the New Black, Part III
“Hey Keith [Olbermann], I’m back.”
“No, Donald, I’m back. Until I piss someone off again. So, what now?”
“I seem to have a woman problem. Except that I don’t have a woman problem because look how many white women voted for me, more than not and that’s no lie.”
“It seems that white women believed that Hillary was a liar and couldn’t be trusted. How’s that for irony? You do know what irony means don’t you?”
“You mean because I lie about everything, and I mean everything, and except for the liberal media that everyone thinks lies no one cares, not my base of deplorables or Republican senators and representatives who are scared shitless of me. I might tweet about them and they are shitting their pants. It’s fun, Keith. They don’t know what I’m going to do next.
“It’s lucky for me that tweets are so few characters. Much longer and full sentences are trouble for me. Bad.
“Hillary told a few white lies about nothing very important. She should have taken my cue and made them big, really big and then stick to them. I told some great ones about her. And the whole birther thing; all those people believed me. And the 3 million illegal votes for her I made up. Ridiculous.
“Tell them often enough and loudly enough and lies are truth. Learned that from Obergruppenfuhrer Bannon. Not really. I’ve been lying my entire business career.”
“Donald, how do you account for all those white women voting for you? You’re an admitted pussy grabber who might piss on women or just watch. You tell them if they have an abortion, and more than 60 percent of women believe in choice, they should go to jail, and you’ve talked about dating your daughter. Yet all those religious people, Southern Baptists, Pentecostals who see the devil behind every door, voted for you, a non-repentant sinner.
“You tapped into the worst of America.”
“You know what P.T. Barnum said, actually no one knows who said it, ‘There’s a sucker born every minute.’ And they are my all day suckers and they are going to find that out soon if they haven’t figured it out already.
“They know I really like women; I’ve had so many of them. And they all had teeth. And I only do 10s.”
“Why do they buy that?
“You’re asking me to think. I only respond.
“I want to talk about Melania. I’m so proud of Melania. She had a shitty business idea and wouldn’t have made any money and then she got lucky. I was elected president and she figured out how to cash in. The Daily Mail said her modeling agency was really an escort service and now she’s suing for $150,000,000 in lost business. Beauty (a definite 10) and cunning, too. She learned the suing thing from me.”
“Donald, Melania is still in New York. Is she ever coming or going to Washington? What is she going to do as First Lady? I feel like I’m Carl Reiner to Mel Brooks right now. Except they were funny and this is not.”
“Melania is going to take on cyber bullying. I think, because I’m President, I get a pass. I’d be lost if she took my tweeter away.
“You know I get my lies from watching cable news. I walk around the White House in my bathrobe like my old friend Vinnie the Chin and mutter a lot and then I tweet whatever Fox News is talking about at the moment. So they hear it on the news and then from me and voila, fake truth is born.
“What a wonderful country America is.”
“Satire is people as they are; romanticism, people as they would like to be; realism, people as they seem with their insides left out.” Dawn Powell
This is satire.