On terrorism and punishment: It”ll never happen

The focus of President Obama’s eighth and final State of the Union address was terrorism. “We live in a dangerous world,” he said. “Just ask the unlucky Muslims who were the recipients of the 23,144 bombs we dropped on Muslim majority countries in the last year.”

Terrorism is a charged word whose definition changes to suit the definer. According to the United Nations in 2004, terrorism [is] any act “intended to cause death or serious bodily harm to civilians or non-combatants with the purpose of intimidating a population or compelling a government or an international organization to do or abstain from doing any act.”

A more common definition is “acts by governments or individuals that scare the living shit out of people and maim or kill them.”

In Flint, Michigan, once a prosperous General Motors factory city that now has 40 percent of its residents living below the poverty line, the state of Michigan decided, in a financial emergency, that Flint could save money on its water supply by switching from Lake Huron water that it paid Detroit for to Flint River water that was brown and saved lots of money. The brown was iron and it corroded the mostly lead pipes that supplied Flint’s household drinking water.

The effects of lead on children under the age of six include learning disabilities resulting in a decreased intelligence (decreased IQ), attention deficit disorder, behavior issues, nervous system damage, speech and language impairment, decreased muscle growth, decreased bone growth, and kidney damage.

In adults the effects of lead are Increased chance of illness during pregnancy, harm to a fetus, including brain damage or death, fertility problems in both men and women, high blood pressure, digestive issues,

nerve disorders, memory and concentration problems, and muscle and joint pain.

“It’s Flint, and who really cares about Flint,” said Michigan Governor Rick Snyder. “We’ve been telling the leaders of Flint to get the lead out, no pun intended, and do something productive to improve their economy and they did nothing so we decided to put the lead in. Again, no pun intended. We could have dealt with the water with a $100 a day anti-corrosive treatment, but why? It’s no-future Flint. Unemployed and 56 percent black. And with enough lead in their systems they’ll grow up stoopid and vote Republican.”

In 2016 Rick Snyder will be found guilty of terrorism. His punishment will be to drink one 16-ounce glass of Flint River water every day for five years.

The brothers Koch who have taken as their lifes’ work the undermining of the democratic process, although they are not on trial for that, are also in for a stretch of time imbibing the brown waters of the Flint River. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, Koch Industries was the number one producer of toxic waste in the United States in 2012 and their business energy goes into making billions by skirting, and out and out ignoring, the laws of the land. They have established think tanks whose purpose is to debunk the reality of climate change. “We are also,” said David Koch, “working to get rid of any government agencies that regulate and enforce environmental regulations. Telling us we cannot discharge our waste into rivers is anti-American. Freedom is the right to harm others for greater profits for us. We make sure to discharge our worst pollutants in areas of poverty where no one really cares.

“Why people got so upset about Flint is a surprise to me,” said Charles Koch. “We do so much worse stuff and get away with it. We had 30 foot high piles of petroleum coke in Detroit’s inner city (you know what that really means) neighborhoods with soot covering everything and breathing made difficult. When we pay a fine it’s minimal; just the cost of doing business.”

In 2016 the Koch brothers will be sentenced to five years each of daily Flint River martinis — six ounces of Flint River water, a touch of vermouth, and a pearl onion grown in the effluent of the Flint River. If they survive, their sentences will be increased.

************************

Thousand Oaks, California, Pullman, Washington, Aurora, Illinois, and New Orleans, Louisiana have in common arson attacks on Planned Parenthood facilities in 2015 (New Orleans’ was under construction). “While I personally don’t believe in violence,” said Governor Mike Pence of Indiana, “someone has to protect unborn babies and if people are willing to commit crimes and even kill to do it, so it goes (I’m quoting my fellow Hoosier Kurt Vonnegut there.). Growing up, well actually I was an adult already, one of my heroes was James Kopp whose favorite sport was shooting at, and at least once, even though there are many law enforcement people who think he has a long list of kills, killing doctors who performed abortions.”

From 1990 to 2011 at least eleven murders of abortion providers occurred in the United States as well as 41 bombings and 173 arsons at clinics since 1977.

Texas Congressman Steve Stockman — and this is true — put out a bumper sticker that says, “If babies had guns they wouldn’t be aborted.” As a 100 percent National Rifle Association voter Stockman pooh-poohed the fetus in question needing a background check to purchase the gun in question. “It’s self defense without a doubt. If someone came into your home and tried to drag you out and kill you what would you do?” Representative Stockman has been the recipient of the annual Congressional Silly Congressman Award barely beating out his fellow Texan Louie Gohmert for the last two years. “It has been an honor to be so honored and well thought of by my colleagues,” he said, in accepting his plaque. “There’s so much competition.”

The Texas state legislature defunded Planned Parenthood long before Republicans in Congress did the same. “It’s that fetal tissue selling they do even though we know that they don’t sell it but that’s not what we tell people,” said Governor Greg Abbott. “We stopped them from treating as many women as we could and said the state would take care of those women but, haha, we didn’t. Why should we? They vote for us anyway.”

From 2014 until the defunding Planned Parenthood tested, in Texas, 138,000 women for HIV and identified 1,182 people with HIV. Planned Parenthood also tested for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and hepatitis C with state money. “We don’t bother with that anymore,” said the Governor. “The best thing is we get away with it. We get away with it because no one in Texas, including so many women, really gives a shit about women’s health. Did y’all know that we, along with most of the other states, tax women’s sanitary products? Damn right we do because you think most women are going to complain about it or boycott tampons because of the sales tax. No one likes to talk tampons. Ugh bodily functions. Show Donald Trump a bloody one and he’d run for the hills. When President Obama said he couldn’t imagine why these products were taxed we knew we were doing the right thing.”

In 2016 Governor Abbott and the entire Republican majority in the Texas legislature will be found guilty of terrorism against women. Water from the Flint River will be imported, as with luck, Texas will secede from the United States. Further, they will all attend daily sessions with Sarah Palin who will speak to them in her native language.

On Terrorism and punishment: It’ll never happen

The focus of President Obama’s eighth and final State of the Union address was terrorism. “We live in a dangerous world,” he said. “Just ask the unlucky Muslims who were the recipients of the 23,144 bombs we dropped on Muslim majority countries in the last year.”

Terrorism is a charged word whose definition changes to suit the definer. According to the United Nations in 2004, terrorism [is] any act “intended to cause death or serious bodily harm to civilians or non-combatants with the purpose of intimidating a population or compelling a government or an international organization to do or abstain from doing any act.”

A more common definition is “acts by governments or individuals that scare the living shit out of people and maim or kill them.”

In Flint, Michigan, once a prosperous General Motors factory city that now has 40 percent of its residents living below the poverty line, the state of Michigan decided, in a financial emergency, that Flint could save money on its water supply by switching from Lake Huron water that it paid Detroit for to Flint River water that was brown and saved lots of money. The brown was iron and it corroded the mostly lead pipes that supplied Flint’s household drinking water.

The effects of lead on children under the age of six include learning disabilities resulting in a decreased intelligence (decreased IQ), attention deficit disorder, behavior issues, nervous system damage, speech and language impairment, decreased muscle growth, decreased bone growth, and kidney damage.

In adults the effects of lead are Increased chance of illness during pregnancy, harm to a fetus, including brain damage or death, fertility problems in both men and women, high blood pressure, digestive issues,

nerve disorders, memory and concentration problems, and muscle and joint pain.

“It’s Flint, and who really cares about Flint,” said Michigan Governor Rick Snyder. “We’ve been telling the leaders of Flint to get the lead out, no pun intended, and do something productive to improve their economy and they did nothing so we decided to put the lead in. Again, no pun intended. We could have dealt with the water with a $100 a day anti-corrosive treatment, but why? It’s no-future Flint. Unemployed and 56 percent black. And with enough lead in their systems they’ll grow up stoopid and vote Republican.”

In 2016 Rick Snyder will be found guilty of terrorism. His punishment will be to drink one 16-ounce glass of Flint River water every day for five years.

The brothers Koch who have taken as their lifes’ work the undermining of the democratic process, although they are not on trial for that, are also in for a stretch of time imbibing the brown waters of the Flint River. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, Koch Industries was the number one producer of toxic waste in the United States in 2012 and their business energy goes into making billions by skirting, and out and out ignoring, the laws of the land. They have established think tanks whose purpose is to debunk the reality of climate change. “We are also,” said David Koch, “working to get rid of any government agencies that regulate and enforce environmental regulations. Telling us we cannot discharge our waste into rivers is anti-American. Freedom is the right to harm others for greater profits for us. We make sure to discharge our worst pollutants in areas of poverty where no one really cares.

“Why people got so upset about Flint is a surprise to me,” said Charles Koch. “We do so much worse stuff and get away with it. We had 30 foot high piles of petroleum coke in Detroit’s inner city (you know what that really means) neighborhoods with soot covering everything and breathing made difficult. When we pay a fine it’s minimal; just the cost of doing business.”

In 2016 the Koch brothers will be sentenced to five years each of daily Flint River martinis — six ounces of Flint River water, a touch of vermouth, and a pearl onion grown in the effluent of the Flint River. If they survive, their sentences will be increased.

************************

Thousand Oaks, California, Pullman, Washington, Aurora, Illinois, and New Orleans, Louisiana have in common arson attacks on Planned Parenthood facilities in 2015 (New Orleans’ was under construction). “While I personally don’t believe in violence,” said Governor Mike Pence of Indiana, “someone has to protect unborn babies and if people are willing to commit crimes and even kill to do it, so it goes (I’m quoting my fellow Hoosier Kurt Vonnegut there.). Growing up, well actually I was an adult already, one of my heroes was James Kopp whose favorite sport was shooting at, and at least once, even though there are many law enforcement people who think he has a long list of kills, killing doctors who performed abortions.”

From 1990 to 2011 at least eleven murders of abortion providers occurred in the United States as well as 41 bombings and 173 arsons at clinics since 1977.

Texas Congressman Steve Stockman — and this is true — put out a bumper sticker that says, “If babies had guns they wouldn’t be aborted.” As a 100 percent National Rifle Association voter Stockman pooh-poohed the fetus in question needing a background check to purchase the gun in question. “It’s self defense without a doubt. If someone came into your home and tried to drag you out and kill you what would you do?” Representative Stockman has been the recipient of the annual Congressional Silly Congressman Award barely beating out his fellow Texan Louie Gohmert for the last two years. “It has been an honor to be so honored and well thought of by my colleagues,” he said, in accepting his plaque. “There’s so much competition.”

The Texas state legislature defunded Planned Parenthood long before Republicans in Congress did the same. “It’s that fetal tissue selling they do even though we know that they don’t sell it but that’s not what we tell people,” said Governor Greg Abbott. “We stopped them from treating as many women as we could and said the state would take care of those women but, haha, we didn’t. Why should we? They vote for us anyway.”

From 2014 until the defunding Planned Parenthood tested, in Texas, 138,000 women for HIV and identified 1,182 people with HIV. Planned Parenthood also tested for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and hepatitis C with state money. “We don’t bother with that anymore,” said the Governor. “The best thing is we get away with it. We get away with it because no one in Texas, including so many women, really gives a shit about women’s health. Did y’all know that we, along with most of the other states, tax women’s sanitary products? Damn right we do because you think most women are going to complain about it or boycott tampons because of the sales tax. No one likes to talk tampons. Ugh bodily functions. Show Donald Trump a bloody one and he’d run for the hills. When President Obama said he couldn’t imagine why these products were taxed we knew we were doing the right thing.”

In 2016 Governor Abbott and the entire Republican majority in the Texas legislature will be found guilty of terrorism against women. Water from the Flint River will be imported, as with luck, Texas will secede from the United States. Further, they will all attend daily sessions with Sarah Palin who will speak to them in her native language.

This is a work of satire. Really.

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