Midnight Vodka, Pokémon, and Shrimp
I gloat a lot about being single, and part of me doesn’t know how much of it is me convincing myself that I’m happy with my life when maybe I’m not.
I tend to be very in tune with myself, my desires, my needs, and my goals. I have always been. There’s a few reasons for that, first one is being raised Catholic. One of the best things of being raised Catholic, and the way that I interpreted Catholic dogma is that very early on I learned to feel guilty about everything. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I had done, and why it was bad.
Now, that sounds awful, and it is, but it did set the grounds for a level of self-awareness in me that I actually quite enjoy. Sure, before I moved away from religion and freed myself from gods and myth as fact, it wasn’t so much self-awareness as it was self-depecration of the worst kind. But, thankfully humans mature, they meet friends, and 32 years later, I’ve found balance.
So, point of that: I know that I’m happy.
As I cook shrimp at 1 AM without anyone telling me anything, I know that life is as good as it can get right now given my economic and overall life situation. I love life.
But life right now also only revolves around me. And a big reason for that is that after a decade of really shitty relationships, I have grown to greatly dislike the idea of being more than friends with any person on earth. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m very good friends with a handful of people, they are family, they have my back and I have theirs (sometimes, sorry, my life is finally getting on the right track!). But, the idea of sharing my life with another person as more than friends?
I don’t know if I can believe in that.
I sit here, typing this as my house is filled with the aroma of shrimp, onions, and garlic. My Nintendo 3DS on the side with Pokemon ready to boot, and a cup of chilled vokda by my side, my favorite alcoholic drink. Don’t ask me why I like it, or why I like the particular brand I like, because it’s silly.
And as I do this, I think, “I love life!” Yet, the fact that my mind and thoughts go back to the fact that I’m single, constantly. The fact that there’s anger in me when I think of my past relationships, a lot of anger. It makes me feel that maybe there’s something I’m not allowing myself to acknowledge.
How much of this, “I’m happy! Look! I’m cooking shrimp at one in the morning!” is a bit of denial?
As I take a sip of vodka, I shrug my shoulders and say, “Eh, who cares. Feels good, let’s keep at it!”
What? You thought this was going to go deeper than this? Nah, I just wanted to post photos of shrimp and practice writing. I’m too lazy to think harder about myself beyond acknowledging I may be lying to myself a bit. We’ll dig deeper another time.
In the mean time, my vodka is gone and I have not yet caught a single Pokémon. That’s a shame.