My Story

Medium is an internet company that will publish whatever you want to write without any oversight or curation, no matter what. I think this is great because I can write whatever I want and lots of people see it and that makes me feel good. I can talk all day long about people and what they are up to these days or that I don’t like a certain group of people and what they’re doing. I can even point out something I noticed when I was doing something at work. Maybe it can even be a big something I have noticed over the last few years in my chosen industry. I can inform everyone that I am successful and explain perfectly how I have gotten there. In my stories I will give minimal attention to the vast expanse of causality imbued to reality and it will be completely lost on me because I am a risk taker, a achiever and a time-manager. I alone dictate my route through the tributaries of professional life. I perceive nothing that is not familiar to me. When I run up the pyramid of the West at with the great momentum of my success, I will not fall and roll down the other side like a wobbley wheel. My success is eternal. My success is published on Medium. I am no wheel. I am upwardly linear.

You see, I made a company in Silicon Valley that has created a new cloud platform with great UI and super compelling pivot. We trade other valleys and their assets. How deep is thy Valley? If it is deep, lets talk. Deep valleys only please. Meet me on my offshore barge, the Groomlake, to discuss what my sharing economy can do for the allocation of your water rights.

You see that? That is my short paragraph. Everyone needs one of those on this website otherwise your are not fast and hot enough to be on medium, or to have everyone relate to your point of view. You see, in this life, there are winners, and there are losers. The winners have mastered the short paragraph, the elevator speech, the personal biography, the corruption of an economy that rules over all and their professional online social media persona. I, for one, appear, nay — am — wholly legitimate. Not a rough edge in sight. My consistency is incredible. My punctuation is incredible. My fulfillment transcends fulfillment. My cravings no longer torture me. The svelt monolith of my external digital skin is a symbol of national pride in 6 countries. My snapchat is a synergistic beacon of unquenchable technological optimism that explosively propels my goods and services upwards to orgasmic heights of unimaginable libidinal satisfaction, cacophonic joy, global peace and unrestrained human potential. The nerds bring their girlfriends to the overlook and gaze at it through their spectrometers.

When I was in private school I learned something very important — that long dash is called an em dash and it makes you a real baller like the people in Fast Company. Their powerful, continuous and unrelenting obsession with innovation gives meaning to my existence. Innovation is a symbol of supremacy. The packaging for my product makes mothers sob into their child’s arms with happiness on Mother’s Day. It features dual shot injection molding with the whitest acrylonitrile butadiene styrene you have ever seen. My company logo hangs in the MoMA. Tip: You can make my logo white if you want and put it alongside other cool company logos, because they’re all flatlike and play nice together. Put them in a big grid like this with different background colors. Write thousands of inspiring Medium articles about each one.

Do not deviate from the trend, you will be shot. Actually, no, there will be no physical death. You will simply never be hired. You will never do work that is personal to you anyway, because you will either be living in squalor unplugged from the sycophantic meritocracy or you will be operationalized in a creative serfdom to markets so worn to the bone by ordinary means that they can only be further subjugated for profit by weapons grade analytics. Now that Innovation is the only way to attract customers, you have no option but to design tool-beings so brutally unnecessary that you need to call them a funny name to disarm your customer’s bullshit alarm. How many calories are in calves blood? Sapience is valueless and obsolete. One good idea I had was a gimble-mounted cupholder you can put on your couch so your cup won’t fall over no matter what happens on the couch. It can even charge your watch’s battery. It’s gonna thud the market.

Cool, hot, thrilling, dynamite, refreshing, strong. Who do you work for? Forget them, work for me. All those words up there, thats me and my company. Here you can live your ideal lifestyle around many young people and Knoll office furniture. Enjoy your attractive coworkers of the opposite sex physically or at least visually. Wash your hair with the expensive shampoo meant for the hair of an elite person. Create value, embody synergy. Go fast and break social contracts. Relate to no one but yourself. Own a thermostat with an ARM Cortex A8. Eliminate the threat of defective condoms. Quantify the condition of your body with electronics. Never be dehydrated. Propagate the most overrated aspects of western culture. Lionize your heritage and murder it next season. Label yourself a thinker. Forgive no mispelling. Your free 2 day delivery is here. Forget the texture of solid food. Avoid the potential of an embarrassing comment to the opposite sex with a probability of 91.7% +/-0.2%. Make it faster, goddammit, or I am going to have a heart attack. Forgo love in favor of the toe curling pleasures of the ominous perfection of your personal brand. Lease your body to my next entrepreneurial venture, Bodi — that’s the sharing economy for sex. Webcrawl the pysche of your common man. Fool them into believing destruction is exclusive to physical things.