I don’t know how to feel

My Dad and I in 1984

I don’t know what I’m about to write. I have no answers right now, only questions. All I know is that I need to do something to help me make any kind of sense of what is going on in my head. I guess for once in my life, I’m asking for help, for counsel.

In early January I suddenly lost my Dad. Late in the evening I received the infamous ‘knock on the door’ to be notified by a police officer.

Saying that it was unexpected is an understatement, just a few days earlier he’d been stood in my kitchen celebrating my Daughters 4th birthday. He was chatting, laughing and enjoying watching his grand-daughters playing.

That evening, when I was told, I crumpled on to the chair behind me. Not because my legs went away from me, but because of the feeling of emptiness inside. Everything I had, everything I was, was gone.

To understand that, you have to understand how my Dad and I were joined. Not just in blood, but in spirit. Something deeper than a Father / Son relationship.

I lost my Dad once before, when I was 3 years old. My Dad left our home and separated from my Mum. My earliest memory in life is of him walking out of the house and down the garden path without me knowing why or what just happened.

I’m going to continue this another time, soon.




Head of UX at UK Health Security Agency

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Gavin Elliott

Gavin Elliott

Head of UX at UK Health Security Agency

More from Medium

The Darker Parts

Even when you are 99 years old, you will miss your mom

Who am I ?

Its not about the money