Gilbert Bliss
Aug 25, 2017 · 3 min read

I’m still trying to understand how this works, since my awareness of it is still taking shape. In talking about it with my therapist, I am now understanding that I will offer something, such as an impulsive purchase, with the readiness that I will be reprimanded for it. This rarely happens. I really don’t know that it has ever happened. There are times, though, that my wife will get angry with me about something that has its real basis in her own history and it will be hard for me to not play into feeling guilty about something that is not mine to own. I think this is reminiscent of my mother being consistently angry about how life treated her and inviting me and my sister to help her carry that feeling.

I also know that I can be very reluctant to just do what I want to do, say when I come home. I have been taking guitar lessons and I would like to practice more. I do get home late quite often, 7 or 7:30, so dinner takes until 8, after which we usually watch television until we go to bed. I know that all I would need to do is tell Denise that I would like to practice that night instead of watching TV and she would be fine with that. What I do is think that she would think that I was neglecting her and I end up with a certain level of resentment, which I know, in my head, is not hers to own. She is certainly capable of telling me if she would prefer that I stay with her, and I know from experience that she knows how to make good use of her own time if I am doing something else. This is still a work in progress for me.

As an example, I am home on my own tonight and I am aware that I am looking forward to doing what I want to do. So why do I think otherwise when Denise is home?

With regard to most cultures, I see misogyny in play almost everywhere. It is most evident in countries like India and many of the Muslim countries. I have read a bit of the Koran (sorry if that is not your preferred spelling) and it is clear, in places in that book, that women are measured as less in a literally calculated way to the value of a man. In this country, I watched as a woman who is a fundamentalist Christian talked about men being closer to God. I was dumbstruck.

I believe that the urge to control comes from fear, and it seems to me that many men believe that they can not take no for an answer from a woman. It is my sense that something primal is at work here. It reminds me of the work that Cathy Roberts and I do with regard to racism and White privilege. So many White people do not want to let go of what privilege has offered them, and White men can be particularly difficult to challenge. As a White man, I understand this, but it is still discouraging to see what people do to themselves in the interest of the maintenance of a life position that can be so damaging to themselves and others.

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    Gilbert Bliss

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