what i feel — sleep sound by jamie xx — grace

summer 2016

as i write this, there is a sharp, jolting pain in my head. it lasts about a second. a beat. but it’s enough for me to wince and whisper fuck.

i’ve been getting these “ice pick headaches” for the past two days. they’ve been given this appropriate moniker because they literally feel as if an ice pick is stabbing your brain for a split second or two. but i think i should be fine. my family has a history of migraines.

stress is the word i gravitate to. this summer is already one for the books. my first and last one spending it in berkeley. in between working to get paid and volunteering at the san quentin prison, i’ve been meeting new people and solidifying friendships. i take every single one of my relationships with my friends seriously. they are my everything. i love to love you and i love to be loved. but i also crave solitude. very much so now.

i am tired.

it’s midnight and i am in bed. usually i’m driving or uber’ing back home at this hour from a friend’s. but my lights are off as my computer aggressively shines its light on my face. another pain shoots in my head. i feel naked, exposed and weak. nature, life and your health can be so arbitrary, unfeeling.

lately i’ve been bumping a lot of dance music. leon vynhall, nosaj thing, mount kimbie, four tet. you know, that weird shit that disorients you. throws you off balance. it makes me feel like i’m alone and fucked up in a dark room with some gentle strobe lights and good, body-shaking bass.

i keep returning to jamie xx’s “sleep sound.”

it teases from the start. im tired and so i ramble. coachella 2013 and pinballs jostling erractically and descending down. it sounds like listening to purity ring’s hauntingly beautiful music for the first time on a desert night in Indio after ingesting a cannibis-infused, melted chocolate bar…a once solid object shrivelled into liquid form. disorientation. loss of innocence. complete anonymity that exhilarates and terrifies. the sublime.