Music Nostalgia v. 2: Radiohead

It’s the mid 90’s and my life is falling apart. I worked hard to get good grades in high school. I got in to great 2 schools. I’m not fucking going anywhere. Why? My parents suck when it comes to money. I don’t blame my mom. She’s like me, she’s practical. She works 2 jobs to keep us afloat. Dad…damn it dad…

You got thousands from your settlement and spent it all on other women and drugs and God only knows what else. So while my friends prepare for the next 4 years of their lives, I will be working the next 16 of mine, mostly low wage jobs. Tom Yorke wails that he’s a creep. I’m a loser. I know it.

The pills help me sleep. The music keeps me going, moving forward. “Why is she listening to white boy music?” Fuck you. All of you.

“Don’t leave me high/don’t leave me dry.” They laugh at me when they come home on break for the winter. My big red Kmart vest and my minimum wage. They go back to their schools and internships. I go back to mom and dad’s where I will live till I’m almost 30.

My brother listens to Tupac and Snoop. I’m weird because I relate to Radiohead. I’m emo before it has a name. I spend way too much time alone.

“You do it to yourself/you do/and that’s what really hurts…” I become passive, apathetic, no one cares. No one understands. I had plans. Goals. Why did they lie and tell me I could be anything if I put my mind to it? I put my mind to it but I need money too.

I took a few classes and maxed out my first credit card paying for them but it was something. “Stop whispering start shouting.” I got my heart broken for the first time and I realized I had become a doormat. I was so passive. I decided to learn how to be assertive and speak up for myself. Best/worst breakup ever. The start of the fog lifting.

Found Radiohead on Spotify tonight and since I can’t sleep, I figured I’d listen and ended up bringing back some memories. Music has so much power to be there for us when we need it and say the things we need to say when we can’t.

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