I’ve turned myself inside out, upside down with all my guts to spill onto blog.
“For some reason, I’ve turned myself inside out and all my guts have spilled onto my blog.”
That's what I read here from an author I'm following. The fact that I have been trying many days to turned myself inside out, upside down to spill things onto my blog without success.
I will be sitting in front of my laptop, ticking in & out tabs on my screen then stop at Medium's composing screen. I will be typing something then I will delete them. And type then delete.
Since when unknown, for a long time, I couldn't express my true feeling & emotion. I wanted to cry but kept that in the between of my neck. Sometimes it could go up to my eyes, few tears shed. And that was it. I just stopped my feeling, my pain, my hopelessness there and turned away from them. Turned away to myself. Eventually I isolated myself from people, love & good things around me.
That was when I realized I have been thinking about death for nearly a year. I think about deaths of people around me, whom I know and whom I don't, especially ones that nobody know the reasons why. I think about the death of a beautiful young singer of a bar I used to visit a lot. Her beauty was angelic & fragile in a way we would want to workship more than to love. Her voice is transparent & hauntingly beautiful just as her appearance. She hang herself unexpectely. Yes, nobody knew why someone who had such gifts & good life with so many people adored around would done that to herself.
Eventually I found out myself planning for my death, unexpectely. I want it to be normal & as natural as possible. I want to have an accident or sickness that cause me death quickly. I planned to buy insurance for me to give my son or who would take care of him some money. I planned not to leave any painful & regretful grief behind my back. But I did never plan to not love this life or my son.
In deed I love this world, this life so much. Many people around me were inspired by the way I live.
Unfortunately that’s not what I feel about myself. Too many regrets & failures together with too much paranoid given by a desolate education & society — both offline & online — make me exhausted when all the illusions gone for good, leaving behind an empty & plain looser, which is unbelievable to many people who know me.
That just make me feel so bad. And I can't tell anyone until I found Medium. It's great that finally I wrote my first one and I'm so grateful that someone may pass by and read this. Cause I’m so much yearning to tell someone that “Hey! I'm not ok! I need your help.” and this will be the first one of a blog where I turn myself inside out & upside down to be my truest. No more hiding behind words or photos.
This will be a place where words & photos will express my truest feeling, thoughts & emotion and bring world to Vietnam and show the world about Vietnam.