Things Joan loved that couldn’t be mentioned in her obituary
A few months before she died, Joan visited one of her doctors. After reviewing her litany of medical problems, past and present, he said, “I admire your spirit”. I think he nailed it. Although she might feel briefly down after getting some bad news, she never let her problems overwhelm her or dictate her life. In fact, the evening she died, we had just returned from a wonderful dinner in New York with our friends the Rues. I think her irrepressible spirit was what first attracted me to her and continued to be an inspiration for more than 55 years. I hope these little vignettes capture some of that spirit.
I. Bars in New York
Of course, Joan loved lots of things about New York: walking and hanging out in the Village, talking with strangers on a park bench, the Leo House, theater and movies. But most of all, I think, she enjoyed hanging out in bars. One of her/our saddest days in the City was when she realized she couldn’t get up on a bar stool.
It wasn’t so much that she liked to drink — although she did. Mostly, she just liked to meet people in bars. Some of our favorites: The Knickerbocker at 9th and University, the Art Bar on 8th near 13th, Dalton’s on 9th between 43rd and 44th, the bar at Café Loup on 13th (gone, unfortunately), and the White Horse on 8th near Perry St.
Three excerpts from Joan’s Journals:
4/10/2009: Night cap at Negril — We were only white couple, only seniors. Oh well. Two guys at bar bought us our drinks and when I told them it was George’s b’day, they loved it. Wanted to know how long we were married. Other fun conversations. Young black couple getting married in Boston. Another couple married 8 years. Great day!
2/19/2010: Stopped for a nightcap at Jakes’s something-or-other. Very friendly Irish bartender. Once again, we are the old people and that seems to make us an attraction. Learned a lot about the sport of curling as we watched the Winter Olympics. One guy that was interacting with us said we would all be on the 2014 team. Told him he’d have to pick us up at THE HOME and we might be playing in our wheelchairs!
9/18/10: Stopped at Mexican restaurant for a Corona and then back to Leo House.
Pretty late tonight for two seniors!
Will let tomorrow evolve- NO dark movies!!
Dalton’s became our go-to bar in mid-town because, although it was always crowded and Joan could no longer get on a bar stool, the waitresses there always found us a table, even if they had to move some young people to do it, and they took great care of us. They didn’t mind if we only had one beer and no food during our visit between shows at the Signature Theater.
She also loved Mimi’s on 2nd and 52nd. Although it is an Italian restaurant, we only ate there once (the food was not memorable). We went there to talk to the bartender and listen to the piano players.
From Joan’s Journal:
3/29/2019, staying at Tom & Ryan’s new place on 50th St.: “Great end-of-the day at Mimi’s piano bar - talked to a very nice girl next to me at the bar. Lost her mother at an early age from breast cancer. Dad has dementia. From N.J. Bartender, Lori, always remembers us as “The Cat Sitters”. But she gives us too much free wine!
(We didn’t protest too strongly and never turned it down!)
The piano players may not have been great musicians, but they knew their audience and were great entertainers. One, Chicken Delicious by name, was honored with an obituary in The New York Times. We often drank too much there. Fortunately, it was only two blocks to the apartment. It was a sad day when, during our next-to-last trip to the City, Joan was unable to climb the one step into Mimi’s. I’m sure if we’d persisted, we could have gotten in, but we just decided to pass.
3/30/19: Once again, we have had a lovely weekend in Tom & Ryan’s apartment. We are so fortunate!
I should also mention the Lobby Bar at the Algonquin Hotel. We celebrated two anniversaries (25th and 53rd), at the Algonquin and the highlight of our stays was time spent in the Lobby Bar. It was just a very comfortable place to unwind after dinner or an evening out. The waiters were always very accommodating and made you feel at home. Even when we weren’t staying there, if we were in the neighborhood, we would often stop in for a drink. Sometimes there would be a jazz combo playing, and at Christmas time the tree and other decorations were lovely. We would even, on rare occasions, catch a glimpse of the Lobby Cat before he returned to his hideaway.
One other New York memory — Christmas Eve, 2007:
We exit the Knickerbocker into lightly falling snow and without comment turn south towards Washington Square. A dusting of snow covers street and sidewalk, muffling city sounds.
Most NYU students are on break; weary shopkeepers and shoppers are safely home. People from the neighborhood and ever-hopeful taxicabs dominate the scene: an elderly lady, leaning on her cane, carefully trying to avoid a disastrous fall; a Mexican pizza delivery man wobbling along the snow-covered street on his old-but reliable bicycle; a young woman, all in black, head down, determinedly talking into her phone; a few older couples like Joan and me.
The starless sky, a grey haze reflecting the city’s lights, snowflakes drifting slowly downward, pure white against the light from the street lamps.
We reach the corner of the square and turn towards the lights of George’s arch and the brightly colored Christmas tree beneath.
The park is nearly vacant; a single trench-coated figure walks across its diagonal. Under the arch, a young couple hug, kiss, laugh and take photos of each other with their phones.
After pausing to seal this scene in our memories, we also turn and head for home, back to the Leo House: across the park to Waverly, then 6th Avenue to W. 4th Street to 8th Avenue, a stop at the Art Bar to warm up with a glass of port, then up 8th to 23rd St. We probably walked this route 50 times and never tired of it.
From Joan’s Journal 2/9/2009: Year of the broken leg.
4/9/09: My first outing.
4/10/10 (George’s b’day): We were right near St. Mark’s Episcopal Church, so we went there for Good Friday services. WOW! Enactment of the Passion Gospel, dancing, jazz, blues, amazing soloists, band, meditations.
10/29/2010: Well, we are back in our favorite space (29th St.). Tom and Ryan have gone to Paris and we are cat-sitting with Bean and Bart. They do not remember us — a bit restless but it will work out.
II. The Leo House:
We learned about the Leo House from our Rector at St. Albans, Joe Clark, who had stayed there while attending a conference at General Seminary. This was about 40 years ago. We booked a room for our next visit to NYC, and it has been our second home ever since. Long-time staff members like Denise (recently retired), Marilyn (still there), the elderly black gentleman who holds down the front desk most weekend nights (sorry I don’t know his name), and Lucy Morales, a 39-year employee and now the Guest Services Manager, have always welcomed us like old friends.
From Joan’s Journal:
12/26/2002: It is always so wonderful to arrive at Leo House. They now have a new, self-operated elevator! Well, the attendant still seems to be employed.
2/23/2012: Everyone welcomed us back to Leo House. Always feels so good!
Today, The Leo House calls itself “a Catholic guesthouse for travelers of all religions”, with a web page and listings with Booking.com and Tripadvisor. (I recall a visit about 10 years ago: When we arrived, the staff were very excited because people from Booking.com were coming to take photos). But it began as a hostel near Battery Park providing accommodations to primarily German immigrants. It moved to its present location on W. 23rd St. in 1926.
It’s difficult to explain to friends our fondness for Leo House: It’s old, the rooms are very small with little storage space, the shared shower is down the hall, there’s cracks and peeling paint in some of the rooms. But the beds are comfortable, the location is excellent, the Breakfast Room is beautiful — a great place to hang out in the morning, reading the NY Times and listening to conversations in several different languages — and the price suits our budget.
III. Ireland
We visited Ireland, mostly the West, five or six times over a 25-year period. Joan loved Doolin and the Burren, the North coast of County Mayo, and the city of Derry, but most of all she loved the pathos (or melodrama) of Irish history, especially when it was told in song. We spent many happy hours listening to pick-up sessions in pubs. The local musicians would drift in, one at a time, and join the group. They were always “scheduled” to begin at 9:30, but it was usually 10 or later before they all arrived. The music could become rather repetitive, but the atmosphere and the people were wonderful. I think our most memorable musical experience was not in a pub, but at a fund-raiser in a Derry/Londonderry hotel bar.
From Joan’s Journal, June 1, 2003 (in Derry): Last night’s entertainment was even more than we imagined. The event was in support of the Cultural and Heritage Society of Derry.
All traditional — mostly local ties. We had such a great feeling of being part of a local event. At one point, a man from Donegal asked to sing, and sang an unaccompanied song about the overbuilding of holiday homes in Donegal. Later in the evening Mickey McGinnis (President of the Chapter) sang a beautiful a capella true tenor folk ballad. His sister Maureen Haggarty is probably in her 60s — a local favorite. Sang “Danny Boy” substituting words she grew up with — “Derry Del”
….Highlight — 4 men who have reconvened a former group — Violinist was a bald, heavy, very funny guy. Great jigs and reels brought out local dancing talent.
The most memorable moment was when the band closed with a heartfelt rendition of “The Town I Loved So Well”, which is about Derry, in good times and bad. When the band started playing, everyone stood and joined in the singing. It was very moving.
IV. Dinners at home
During her last year, as Joan became less mobile, she would plan dinner and we would prepare it together. When it was ready, we’d open a bottle of wine — red or white, decent or not, it didn’t matter — and spend the next hour or two at the kitchen table. The actual meal was often one-pot and very simple and was finished in 15 minutes (Joan often complained that I ate — and drank! — too fast), but then we still had half a bottle of wine left. So we would talk for the next hour or two about nothing in particular, maybe reminisce about travel experiences, plan new adventures, or discuss what Keith and Paul were up to. When she began taking lung medicine and learned that one of the side effects could be liver damage, her biggest concern was that we would have to give up our bottle of wine. She said this was the thing she would miss most.
V. Friends
While Joan had many communities of friends — church and choir, book club, long-time friends from the kids’ childhood, birthday-lunch friends, Joseph House friends, Wor-Wic friends — I’m sure I’m forgetting some — I want to focus on the friendships she formed during her last year, because this was Joan’s special gift. She sincerely cared about everyone she met, and this enabled her to form new friendships even when she was very sick. During the past year she became very close to friends in her Aquacare class. She loved going there and hated when she had to miss it. She also became very close to her nurses and therapists at pulmonary rehab. She would always want to know what they were doing, how their families were. I think educators call that “interpersonal intelligence.” Whatever you call it, Joan had it in abundance.
VI. Her music
Joan loved all kinds of music, but her go-to’s fell into two categories and didn’t vary much during the last 10 years. We couldn’t begin to cook or eat before she chose the music. When Keith came over for dinner, he would choose, but otherwise the selections didn’t change much over the years. These are a few of the performers she never tired of.
- Cooking music: John Prine, Kate & Anne McGarrigle, Loudon Wainwright, Nellie McKay.
An excerpt from Joan’s Journal (8/29/2010): We had a chance to hear (Nellie McKay) in person tonight. … However, thought getting there at 7 that we would see Nellie at 8:00. NO — we had to listen to her guitar player solo as a starter …We were frustrated when the guitar went on and on. Then a large break before Nellie.
But once she appeared, she was sensational!
2. Eating music: Ella (and Louis), Nina, Barbra, Nora Jones, Frank, Edith Piaf.
VII. Old movies:
By 10 p.m. I was ready for bed, but Joan’s TV time was just beginning. She always had several old movies recorded and would watch at least one of them each night. Barbara Stanwyck, William Powell, Bette Davis and a host of other nearly forgotten movie stars never had a more loyal audience. When Paul came to visit for a weekend, he would stay up with her, and they would watch movies together and solve the world’s problems, while polishing off a considerable amount of cheap red wine. One of Joan’s darkest days was when Comcast informed us that TCM was being dropped from our basic cable service.
VIII. Journaling:
Joan rarely went to sleep before recording the day’s activities in her journal. Wherever we traveled, she never failed to record her memories. It is sad to see how her hand-writing deteriorated and the entries became shorter as writing became more difficult.
At dinner, on the evening she died, Joan seemed fine, but when we got up to leave, she had difficulty exiting the restaurant. She was quiet during our ride home on the bus, but I just assumed she was tired. When we got to the apartment, she wanted to use the bathroom, but she was unable to stand and
passed out. I called 911, but the medics were unable to revive her.
Joan knew she was getting weaker and was not going to get better. Her death could have been more peaceful, but it seems fitting that she died in NYC, a city she dearly loved.
