a single tomorrow
i honestly never thought i’d have to explain the following.
as somebody who’s struggled with mental health (yet to be diagnosed mental illness), as someone who self harms regularly, and attempted suicide twice; i understand i’m not ok. on a bigger level that what society tells the community, avoiding important conversations, putting a big emphasis on the associated stigmas, and not really being concerned about “the people with the struggles”. i see similarities on a personal level, whether with teachers or friends, there is no concern with mental health/illness. (it’s just basic shit like what we ate for lunch or what we’re doing over the weekend). and i’m not saying i don’t have any open conversations with my circles, it’s just not enough.
yesterday i had my first real slap in the face with how much of a bitch society actually is.
i went to see a teacher after school to sort of explain why i wasn’t doing well in his class and in general trying to figure out a plan on how to dig me out of the hole i’m in. i went to see him really only because i felt “more comfortable” being open with teachers. it’s something i’ve done a lot of recently, seeing my advisor with “problems” and just talking it out. yesterday i also talked to a teacher who expressed concern a couple weeks back, however, we never actually sat down. so here i was starting to feel “good” about sharing the “darker times” of my life with teachers, not with full specifics, just the gist of it. but that to me was enough, because i could still get the support and reassurance i need in knowing people “have my back”. my perception of this is still “fine” or whatever but there is more caution now because of my fucking stats teacher.
i know his intent was not literal, i hope at least. but he told me i’m going to have to kill myself this semester in order to catch up and get back on track. excuse me, but what the fuck does that mean?!? there are so many combinations of how you can tell somebody to work hard, but in no way should someone associate suicide with that. no matter what way you look at it, it SHOULD always look fucking disgusting.
i completely understand not everyone knows my story fully. but in no way am i obligated to tell everybody my story and attempted suicides. if the opportunity presents itself, then sure by all means. but it shouldn’t be a requirement when conversing with people in life.
i spent the rest of that night distraught to say the least. i more or less have locked away those two nights deeply in my mind, because it should not constantly be there. i get i’ve attempted twice, and it is “significant” but in no way do i have to think about it every single day.
he said it so calmly. but in my mind the memories sparked.
i shut down for the rest of the conversation / day. i’ve just recently become “comfortable” with my past but this was the biggest unexpected slap in the face i know i’ve gotten in 17 years.
naturally i thought going to talk with my advisor was the “right thing”… i was wrong again.
she basically told me not to take offense to what he said, that it wasn’t intentional or whatever bullshit, and if that’s how i felt/thought it would immediately have to be reported.
i shut down again.
my belief of openness with “academic figures” is gone. and this is a small part of a much bigger problem.
i can’t say the same for everyone who has attempted suicide but please hear me out.
yes, i have attempted suicide twice in two years, once in 2015 the other time 2017.
but it does not mean i have suicidal thoughts daily.
it does not mean i am a constant danger to myself.
i’ve accepted i’m not ok, sure.
i understand i sometimes crave “temporary relief” in the form of cutting.
i understand i might not get to live “fully” because of the dark thoughts and emotions that cloud my life more or less daily.
i understand in your eyes i may be a “monster” for wanting to take my own life twice.
i know this and i live with it.
i don’t want it to haunt my life, it just needs to be put away because as much as it is the present, it is equally and more so the past.
believe me, i appreciate the worry/concern. thank you! i worry/am concerned about people in my circles too. however, it doesn’t always have to be to the extent of needing to tell a more authoritative figure because of something i attempted 2 years ago. and that’s where society starts to stumble.
it’s ok, i “understand”. certain shit scares me too. (and more or less as cliche as it is, we have to overcome that). i know it’s not an overnight thing but we have to start somewhere and work toward that end goal.
to everyone who fears having these sorts of conversations:
hope you are well! myself, i’m “ok”.
i used to be just like you. oblivious / not really caring about certain issues around me. i went about my daily life, living it at my best. enjoying the little moments, celebrating the great ones. i laughed a lot. i cried a little. was overall happy.
my life changed completely 3 years ago now. and before you get defensive, i know shit can happen in your life, like moving to a new house, transferring schools, or getting fired from your job. (some examples, i know there are endless possibilities). and i totally get you talk about your demons just like me. i just don’t understand why you don’t really let me talk about mine. we both more or less have the same fear(s). because in the end i truthfully don’t want to kill myself, i just feel lower different days and others. it’s not something i plan, it just happens. and i’m not using that as a cop out. i’m in control but at the same time i’m not.
i don’t want much from you, except one thing. no matter how hard it may seem to talk, it’s equally hard for me. we’re basically in that same boat together. we fear each other equally. you’re scared of me because of what society has fed you, and i’m scared of you because of those meals.
i can’t believe i’m gonna say this… but.
you have to get over your own fears before we should actually sit down to talk.
because from past experiences, your cop out will be to tell me to go see a therapist. deep down, i can’t decide if you actually mean that or you want to say something else because your full of societal bullshit. either way i accept it though, i overstepped your boundary and we stop talking.
truth is, i don’t know a macro solution, if i did we would save a lot more lives.
micro, break yourself away from the stigmas and society who tells you to fear the people with mental illness or the suicidal ones. i get it’s hard. i have trouble talking too. but maybe, just maybe we could conquer our fears together?
it doesn’t have to be today but let’s make it the first tomorrow.
i know not everyone may want to hear me talking about suicide attempts or about the cuts on my left wrist and arm, but i should feel comfortable enough knowing it won’t involve immediate “repercussions” and me losing the control i have.
i don’t need to reiterate my previous points about you society. you’re messed up. we can’t fix you immediately, it’ll take time for sure. but let’s stop sweeping the conversations and stigmas under the rug. it’s fucked up and those who commit suicide didn’t deserve to die. but they did because we all made a mistake. overcoming the discomfort put upon us by us.