Friendzones are reserved for entitled assholes.

Here’s some real talk about the “friendzone” from a gal who’s seen some things.

The only person who puts you there with that gross-feeling connotation you give the phrase is you.

If you’re attracted & they aren’t, it sucks. But nothing you do or say is going to change it. Whatever your gender, sexual preference, physicality, etc.

People click on that level or they don’t.

If it happens to you often enough, maybe consider if you’re doing something others find unattractive or not doing something they will find attractive. If you’re there a LOT, then my guess is you think someone owes you something or that you think you’re so amazing that no one should dare deny you whatever you want.

If that’s you, then I just explained why you keep ending up in exactly that “zone”. Have a cookie.

But the truth is, you’re going to meet plenty of people who you’re attracted to that aren’t attracted to you and vice versa.

Once upon a time, I went to a speed dating event (how and why is another story entirely and it doesn’t make a difference here) and I remember being sooooooo nervous. Because I’m overweight. Because I’m not “pretty”. Because I’m a nerd. Because I have a stupid gap in my teeth. Because any number of things that makes me HIDEOUS TO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX AND OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO HATE ME.

Ahem.

Anyway.

I go and I do the little 5 minute rounds and I talk and I write notes on my little card and I do whatever I do because that’s what you do and then it was assessment time.

There I am looking at my little notes and cards and thinking about this guy or that guys and I realize that I’m sitting there trying to convince myself that I found this one guy sort of interesting and this other guy maybe interesting and all of a sudden it hit me.

I was so busy being worried about whether they’d be attracted to me that I totally forgot to consider whether I found them remotely attractive. After I thought about it, I realized that I wasn’t interested in any of them. They were all perfectly fine looking, nice guys who could hold a conversation and didn’t drool while drinking and my reaction was “meh?”.

Now, before you go and think I don’t know what it’s like to have a thing for a friend who didn’t have a thing for me, don’t. I had a thing for a guy for years. YEARS. I mean, crush-y, OMG why can’t you just love me” emo sort of thing that got all sorts of confusing when things got physical for a bit. I’ve been there, y’all. In that place. I have a memorial tile in that penalty box.

But the truth is, even that guy. That guy who I later discovered was gaslighting the hell out of me because he got a more of a charge out of having a girl adore him more than he did out of being a good friend –– I got over that guy.

Not only did I get over him but I realized that had I ever dated him, I would have hated it because we were completely incompatible. Not just as lovers or romantic partners but as friends.

Yeah, he’s not my friend any more.

Because I realized that I had been basing my self-esteem on what other people thought about me instead of what I thought of myself. I still fall into that trap and I likely always will from time to time. But that’s on me. Not on another person.

There are going to be people you meet that you’re attracted to and it’s not returned. You have two choices: don’t be friends or realize that the tingle in your genes is a chemical reaction and that’s all it is. It’s not a right to reciprocal feeling. It’s not some sort of primal imperative. It’s nerves in your body reacting to outside stimuli.

Just like sneezing when the pollen count is high or someone has a cat and you’re allergic.

You manage allergies, right? Manage your expectations.

Here’s the thing. We’re all awkward as fuck about a lot of things. But no one owes you a relationship or attraction. The truth is, no one even owes you friendship. That’s given. It’s earned. It can be revoked should you fuck up. It can also be repaired. But we’re all just trying to find someone who sees us as we really are and like us no matter how messy we can be. You’ll figure it out.

I promise.

Oh and, no means no. Always. No matter what.

Okay. ::forehead kiss:: Now get outta here.

p.s. I know you’re going to come over here and tell me about that one time at band camp where you and a friend came to realize you were in love and so you think you should stick around until that person who “zoned” you “wakes up” and smells the proverbial coffee. We’ve all heard that story. Hell, some of us have had it happen where we realized we had an attraction that we didn’t realize we had. That’s great. Honestly. But all of the above still applies because you waiting around for someone to have that realization is just you, what was it I said? Oh yeah.

basing my self-esteem on what other people thought about me instead of what I thought of myself

Flip the pronouns as necessary. Bottom line, don’t wait around for someone to realize you’re awesome. Go be awesome and they’ll either wake up or you’ll find all sorts of new people who think you’re awesome.

That’s always a good thing, right?

p.p.s. Jorah’s going to figure it out eventually. I hope. I love him too much to see him turn to stone never having realized what a darling he truly is.

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