“When will this end?”

Is it wrong to wish my parents should have separated?

Yes. It always happens. Arguments and unhealthy relationships. But in their case, it’s a never-ending kind of argument. Marriage is never easy. As someone who lived through and grown up with this as a kid, the worst thing that could happen is when you pretend that everything’s alright when it’s not. They need to decide whether to leave or stay for the sake of their kids. But they tend to choose the latter. Here are 5 reasons why I wish my parents had separated:

1. I knew exactly what was happening. And it hurts me to know.

That’s right, I knew exactly what was happening. Mom and Dad don’t like each other. Being a witness on my parents’ dwindling marriage as a child, I didn’t know what to do. Their marriage is nothing but frequent fights and tantrums. Arguments turned into long droughts of ignoring each other and hurt feelings.

“Go give the bill to your father.”

“Go and tell your mother I don’t have the money right now.”

Why don’t they talk to each other? I mastered ignoring skills while I was young until my siblings and I learned to practice it in our home.

2. I became anxious socially, a problem I still struggle with.

At some point in my life, I may appear to be happy on the outside, but really crying on the inside which mostly happens when I’m at home. And eventually, I became the biggest cry baby ever. I became unexpressive over a long haul. I stopped talking about my parents. I didn’t want to talk about them to anyone.

Stuck in the middle of two bickering adults who didn’t even stop to ask how their kids actually felt, it was a never-ending ignoring game which we eventually learned to master.

3. I am learning that if you don’t give them what they want, they will find it elsewhere.

My father spent less and less time at home and went home only once or twice a week. I never had clue on what business he was doing, or if he was even at work (since he has to travel far to get onsite at his work). What I understood was that he doesn’t like to be in this house anymore. Nothing boiled my mother’s blood more than that since they never really talked.

And then they both cheated? I didn’t know what exactly was happening but I saw and heard it while they were on their phones. If that would make them happier? Why don’t they just settle and get separated then?

At age 17, that’s when I learned that if you don’t give them what they want, they will learn to find it elsewhere.

4. When my parents were both at home, I’d feel on edge.

As much as I wanted to stand by my mother, I hated listening to her bash my father. My father was always gentle and calm and I admired my father because of that, but my mom just keeps pushing his limits. Don’t get me wrong, my mom was always OVER caring. She had always put us (her kids)first in her mind to the point that it has become annoying. She was always angry. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed she is looking for an excuse to be angry. Every-single-little-thing is a problem to her, and she blames everyone(mostly me) for all of her perceived problems.

I was scared since both of them were old and sick. My mom would let me choose between the two of them. But the truth is, I have always cared about what they both felt. I love both of them. I just lost the hopes of love and getting them back. It eventually became a hopeless case. Until I found myself secretly praying that they would get separated so I wouldn’t have to hear the fighting anymore.

Because of their marriage, I probably wouldn’t be able to recognize genuine love if it hit me.

5. Everything is just too much to handle.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if my parents got separated. Would my mom be less stressed? And would my dad be happier? Would everything get better? Would that finally fix what has been broken? Would I be more expressive and be less cold? Don’t get me wrong; I love my parents. But everything is just too much to handle. It seems that it has become a hopeless case. There was no fixing anymore. I just hope my daughter never feels the way I did.

There’s one important lesson I’ve learned. Don’t make the same mistakes my parents made.