One year on…

On 17 April 2015 I worked my final day in the corporate job I had called my career for nearly 12 years. The following day I threw a big party for my friends at one of my favourite haunts in Soho. We were celebrating my birthday; the end of an era and the start of a new chapter… and just, well… life. As highs go, it was a pretty high one.

Two years previously my world had come crashing down around my ears. My marriage ended, my darling Mum was sick again (she’s recovered now) and I became sick myself. Initially with chronic fatigue and subsequently a bout of depression. By August 2013 I was at about my lowest point and decided to go into therapy.

I spent the next two years changing things; moving back to London full time, changing roles at work three times and spreading myself even more thinly than before, both at work and socially. At the time these things felt huge. Looking back they were just tweaks compared to the life changing decisions that were to come.

Eventually I decided that I wasn’t going to get well; physically, emotionally or spiritually, staying where I was. The organisation I worked for offered me a number of alternatives to encourage me to stay and I knew that none of them was worth the continuing sacrifice of my health and wellbeing. So I quit, sold my house, gave away most of my worldly possessions and booked a ticket to a detox retreat in Thailand. Which was where the real learning started…..

All my life I’ve worked hard at things. I believed I was very successful as a result of that work ethic. Now I look back I realise that this was a very effective technique in some areas, such as my career, where masculine energy directed towards the delivery of results is recognised and rewarded. It was not so effective in areas such as my romantic partnerships where employing the same techniques didn’t really work; unsurprisingly!

So of course, I wanted three weeks at a detox retreat in Thailand to be ‘the answer’, to ‘fix’ me. What it turned out to be was a form of ‘giving in’ to what my body was craving to support my mind and my soul. Which was mostly sleep, very clean food and a little yoga. Once I gave in and listened to what my poor body had been screaming at me for years “STOP! REST! PLEEAASE!” the real healing began.

In some ways I felt like I didn’t come very far in those three weeks, I made a little progress physically but it was hardly transformational. In other ways I came thousands of miles both literally and metaphorically in a way that I had maybe needed to for years. My awakening had begun. And little did I know that once I started to awaken I would never be able to go back.

After three weeks I felt much better. I spent the next few months travelling in various places and spending lots of time at home with friends and family. I was allowing myself a proper break and didn’t feel I needed to be too concerned about the ‘what next’.

After a while, I realised that my health wasn’t improving with any great speed. In order to grow, I needed to change my context more dramatically and make my wellbeing my only priority. So I moved to Thailand.

That was in November 2015. I’m still here.

I have learned so much in this last year that I can’t even remember what it was like to be me before. I can’t really remember all the things I didn’t think about that I now think of every day. All the perspectives I didn’t have, or the knowledge I hadn’t yet acquired. I understand now that’s because everything that I am aware of today has always been in me; I just hadn’t found it because I wasn’t listening.

So how is it now? Well, it’s a work in progress. I’ve truly begun listening to myself; to the universe; seeing the signs around me and taking action. Right now it’s about living in the present, listening daily and making small continuous adjustments. I feel healthier and stronger than I have done for years. I am more aware of my body, my mind, my inner voice and my needs and desires than I ever have been. I’m learning more and more each day about the connection between all of the elements of me… and of me to the universe around me and all the other people and things in it. It’s scary; amazing; at times overwhelming and I’ve never felt more alive or connected!

That doesn’t mean there aren’t tough days. Of course there are… and a higher level of awareness seems for me to bring with it a higher level of questioning which can make those tough days even tougher! And at the same time, I know I’m equipped. I know I have everything inside me that I will ever need. I also know that sometimes I need to ask for the help of others to facilitate finding the strength inside. And that’s OK too.

Has it been tough? Yup. Will it continue to be? For sure. Has it been worth it? Hell yeah! I wouldn’t change a thing. And there’s so much more to come. This is just the beginning…