How to Be a Widow Part 2: How to Love an Alcoholic
We never told anybody how me met. Probably because we were embarrassed but also because we wanted to live the illusion that we somehow were destined to find each other in the crowd.
But it was Match.com.
We first met in person at a restaurant in downtown. I walked in late…really late. Made eye contact. He came over, hugged too tightly. We sat down at the table in the back. He poured a glass of wine and said, “I’m an alcoholic and I just got out of rehab where I was diagnosed with manic depression.” I stayed.
Somehow that didn’t make me flee for the door. I stayed not because I wanted to but because I had to. My body wouldn’t move. It was his eyes. His blue eyes. Like sapphires.
He told me I was going to be his wife. That’s when I freaked out and emailed him the next day and said I never wanted to see him again. I didn’t care about the alcoholism or bipolar disorder but marriage? Are you crazy?
He replied with “So I’ll pick you up on Friday at 8.” He wouldn’t give up.
It’s hard to love an alcoholic but here’s how I did it:
1. Be an Alcoholic Too
One time I woke up in a stranger’s house. One time I woke up in a ditch. One time I woke up in Ireland — and that’s when you’d think I’d stop drinking but I didn’t.
One time I woke up and before me stood a huge 6’5” naked strange man. I politely excused myself and I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and my face was covered in blood, which was when I began to think that something didn’t seem quite right. Something was perhaps remiss.
I panicked at first but as I stared into the mirror playing the fractured events of the night in my mind and gathering them into some meaningful and loosely chronological order it dawned on me. Naked man was from the bar. I was dancing with him and I fell backwards and he fell on top of my nose. I cleaned myself off and I left the bathroom. This was when my roommates saw me. And they started freaking out. Then they see naked man. And they freaked out even more. And of course as evidenced by my bloody nose they thought Naked Man must have beaten the shit out of me.
As Naked Man was being thrown out he yelled, “Call me later Theresa!” Which is actually very sweet.
2. Ignore Your Instincts
I went on a second date with Sapphire Eyes, married him two years later, had a baby, and then he died. You can read that story here.
3. Try Comedy
I did comedy in England in 2005 to be close to a boy. I wasn’t good but I loved the boy and I wanted to be near him. When I moved back to my desert town I stopped comedy for seven years. I couldn’t see anything funny without the boy in my life.
One morning, I was looking at my son as he ate breakfast and I stared at his sapphire eyes just like his daddy’s and I thought “I should write a joke about my dead husband.”
It was time. I started with “the funny thing about being a widow is….” I erased that and began again. I wrote “I hate telling men I’m a widow because I get a look. They can’t help themselves but just for a second they look at me and they think ‘Holy shit she killed him.’”
In February, I reconnected with a man. He lives in England. I knew him from that other life. He sent me pictures in return for photos of me. I sent them willingly.
In March, I started doing stand-up comedy again after seven years of not doing it. I messed up my first joke but then started talking about England and pictures of his dick and getting dick pics at 8 am and that is more common than you would think and I got laughs. I don’t tell those jokes anymore.
On June 11th, England said that the souls of comics are “swirling black squalls of horror and regret.” I don’t send him pictures anymore.
4. Repeat Your Mistakes
(lights up GENEVIEVE lying in a bed. On the other half of the bed there is a MAN. He says nothing. He is asleep with his arm over Genevieve. She wakes up)
(She slowly turns right and sees him. She turns back with a “fuck not again” expression)
Shit. (whisper)
(She slowly tries to move out from under his arm. He stirs. She lays down and pretends to be asleep.)
(She slowly begins to get out from under his arm. Butt first she rolls out from under the duvet. When she gets onto the floor he rolls over and she rolls under the bed. He stirs around for a while and she waits. Face out towards the audience eyes wide.)
(When she thinks he’s fallen back to sleep she crawls out from under the bed and begins to get dressed)
(She slowly stands up and he rises. She doesn’t hear him this time. He throws his arms around her and she jumps away from him and screams.)
Oh hey. Look at the time. (She realizes she doesn’t have a watch on) I don’t have a watch on.
Yeah. So I had fun. (punches him in the arm) You, you, you’re fun you. (Obviously doesn’t know his name)
Breakfast? No I cant sorry. I have so much to do today. I’m a busy girl. Busy busy busy. Like a bumble bee. Buzz. (She looks embarrassed)
My number? Oh well didn’t I give it to you? (he shakes his head) I don’t have a phone. Damnit. I forgot to get a phone. (She leaves)
Aside to the audience: My general dating strategy tends to be: OH SO YOU TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE, GET INTO MY VAGINA. I’M GONNA CUM ON YOUR SADNESS.
[insert list of recent exes as evidence]
5. Stop
Just stop.
It’s a realization that comes slowly. It creeps into you horrifying incident by horrifying incident. While you are soaked in booze and making mistakes, like loving a man with a death wish, there are always flickers of epiphanic moments that try to pull you away from the burning inferno that is your life. But it’s not until you have the rock bottom thing the books tell you about that you actually begin to make changes. I can’t tell you what those changes are because they aren’t concrete things you can touch, feel, or taste.
Please know this: You will never become a new or better person and love yourself anyways.
Genevieve Mueller is a writer and comedian. She has written for Cracked and Reductress and had a bimonthly column called Comedy Matters in the Weekly Alibi and performs all over the country. She has interviewed comics Bill Burr and Bob Odenkirk among others. Bob Odenkirk said “Thank you for quoting me perfectly” and then gave her a high‐five. She was on RISK! (Episode 610) and recently opened for Doug Stanhope and Marc Maron. She co-hosts Dead Things Podcast with Will Bolt. Follow her on Twitter @gen_mueller