Letter to a Young Woman Who Fell To A Sexual Predator
The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.
— EDMUND BURKE, author
Let me explain why you are in danger.
Even with humans. Perhaps even more so.
Almost everyone is willing to exploit another. There are degrees to the whole affair.
Such is human nature.
That doesn’t mean, however, that we should not make an effort to avoid predators. Learn who they are, what they do and the damage they cause.
That is a harsh lesson to learn, that people chose to inflict damage on others.
The other, mostly unspoken, truth here is the exploitability of one gender. The ability to hold life within the womb is both a blessing and a curse. The proper guarding of that precious gift is paramount to the specie.
The decision of reproduction is one that has true long term consequences. That’s why females who chose mates that are willing to go long term with them matters.
The male has no such concerns. He has one overriding concern, which is to gain entry into the womb. He’ll do it with accord, or use force. That’s why predatory thoughts come easily to his mind.
Therefore the relation of the sexes cannot be peaceful, since one gender can be made pregnant, and the other cannot.
That is obviously not to say that all powerful men behave as described. Or most men.
Still, the temptation is there for all men, but relatively few chose to explore the depths of female exploitation.
But stories of young girls taken, and then forced to endure thousands of copulation must provoke in our minds the shock that it deserves. Crushing another’s freedom to that extent must mean reactive justice.
Or stories like Weinstein, where one powerful man finds victims in young starlets or hopeful. Lots of power vs almost no power. And people know of that power and keep it secret. That tells you a lot about what we care in society; it’s not the safety of the vulnerable, it’s sleeping at night after you read the contracts to cover up the behavior.
Or stories of young female entrepreneurs who sleep with VC, or developers who are touched aggressively, or raped.
Or other stories here on Medium, when a woman is deceived by a man and tries to heal that pain over many other relationships. Or tangled with addiction on top of emotional dependency.
Or, as in your case, to be seduced by an older man, who you know already has a family, and who knows what else beside.
And people around you make no mention of this, keeping quiet their disapproval because they don’t care about you, because it’s their job to interact with you, but there is no love there.
But some people do love you.
People seem to forget that the number one function of sex is reproduction.
And the point of reproduction is family. Which you have, if you look at your family tree. Do you know the pain of your family over your decision?
You feel alone in the world, without roots, without family.
Life was hard for you. Like you, I lost my father to suicide. That sort of thing weighs on us. I get that.
So when an older man came into your life, and payed attention to you, and was full of psychological tricks, which you had none of, you felt complete.
He gave you an illusion. And you believed it.
I can’t imagine exactly how you feel, but the above must play in consideration that you’ve been given a comfortable financial blanket. It won’t last forever, however. That feeling of power, of freedom without consequences that comes from money is a cheap illusion. And you believe that one too.
In the end, he very much fits the pattern of a predator. A man who looks for young women, and does whatever it takes to get them pregnant.
If this man were to get you pregnant, he will not dissolve his marriage for you.
You’ll raise the child alone. And maybe you are cool with that.
But let me say, as a child raised by a single mom that it sucks. My mom did a terrific job at it, but raising a child alone leaves marks in the psyche. That’s just a fact, to be sad about, and to learn from. I would likely feel more balanced if my father had been around, but I grew from that.
I’m about 100% sure that you thought being raised by only your mom was a terrible thing.
Even more importantly, you never had a father to talk to you like this, to warn you that humans are dangerous, and men more so.
Your child, if you were to have one with him, would most likely have the same pain of having one parent. And you know that pain well.
If your own mother so hurt you as a child, that you want to cease contact with her, I think that can be understood, to some degree. Who you choose to accuse, to hold to account, and who you are are all your decisions. You are an adult, at this point, and so your life is your own.
But consider consequences, and community.
What you seem to be missing most of all, and you are not alone in this either, is a deeper sense of community. The deepest sense of community that you can have is to humanity, in which your story takes place.
Not all men are predators and not all predators are men, but they do abound in our society. You must remain aware of them.
I’m not sure if this is meant to convince you to change path. I do know that you are likely to arrive in a place in your life that might be filled with sadness and regrets.
If you are doing this as a rebellion against the Established Order and your mother, that’s one thing.
But be aware that his behavior, in choosing to prevent you from going to the courtroom, under the excuse to protect his family from drama shows you exactly where you will be when it comes to his support.
Being betrayed and raising a child alone are both terrible things. His willingness to betray his current marriage tells you all you need to know.
You deserve Love. I’m sorry you haven’t had enough of the real thing when growing up and now are turning to its shadow from that man.
You deserve the love of man that will value you as a partner. You deserve to grow to respect him and him, you.
You don’t deserve to be a side dish for him.
But it’s your choice.
I love you, as a friend and human.
I hope you chose wisely.
The seeds of the future are in your hands.
Get More Help
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