The Best Little Dog in the Whole Freakin’ Land
By Geoffrey Ives
You came to us from New Hampshire gentry
The day Discovery burned up on re-entry.
Picked from a furry pile of tiny white babies
You stayed twelve whole years, never once catching rabies.
Instead you had canine ADD really bad
For which no vaccination was to be had.
You never responded to come, lest you wanted to.
Obedience training? “I think not,” said puppy you.
For twelve years you’d reluctantly sit on command
“Just in case,” You’d think, “there’s a treat in his hand.”
Your butt would barely touch down, you doggy louse,
Like when you’d fake pee, to get back in the house.
Your favorite game was the old in and out.
With business complete, at the door you would shout
“I’m out, I need in! Hurry up and beat feet!”
Just as my ass touched my favorite soft seat.
I swear you’d watch, see my butt was descending
Then you’d start to bark, to see my butt re-ascending.
You always barked loudest at nothing but ghosts
One time I nearly dropped a fully cooked roast!
You warned us of many an eminent threat,
More a loud freakin’ noise than a cute little pet.
Sometimes you’d skulk low, bringing smiles and light chuckles,
And we’d know that you’d rolled in the dread huckle-buckles.
One Christmas, just back from a trip to the store
We found a raw turkey, fully chewed, on the floor.
They warned us no chocolate, “It will kill her so quick!”
But you proved them wrong, and ate every last bit.
In the car glove compartment, I hid cookies from you
But you sniffed and got at them with that crazy fit thing you do.
The cats pictured you as that loud, funny one
Paw slapping your head for their mean kitty fun.
And you felt that they got the best of the chow
Spending most your time trying to figure out how
To get at their food through our error or fluke,
When often t’was yours, just as soon as they’d puke.
Each night you’d crazy-dog-dig that poor sofa-bed,
Are you moving to China or just pissed that it’s red?
Your asthmatic breathing more than once turned a head.
And your napping farts could wakeup the dead
Still each night at our feet you rested your head
A warm furry weight on our large family bed.
As pain overwhelmed, you still showed us your love
Commitment like that must come from above.
And to that place you now go as we say our goodbyes
To our last little doggie (I’m starting to cry.)
Cause we’ll miss all that noise, the smells, your demands.
You’ve been the best, loudest puppy any family could stand.
You’re the best little dog in the whole freakin’ land.