4 Ways To Prove You Are Good Enough.

Geoff Sober
Sep 1, 2018 · 6 min read
“woman on the boat watching the sea” by ben o'bro on Unsplash

In my early teens my school arranged a cruise from the UK to Spain — a cultural trip to expand our horizons and experience our European neighbors.In the minds of 14 and 15 year olds this was an opportunity to illicitly smoke and hopefully enjoy under-age drinking in a country more lax with alcohol purchase.

Excitement rose to fever point and it was the sole topic of conversation amongst my peers.

With the benefit of hindsight and the psychiatrist’s chair I can now call this one of the most disastrous episodes of my formative life.

My parents could not afford to send me.

With one other member of my year, the 2 of us remained in school for a full week, whilst tearing ourselves apart in frustration at what the others were doing — or indeed we imagined them to be doing.


I became “damaged goods”.

“I am not good enough” was born right here and indeed my subsequent grades went down ,my rebellious nature increased and my attendance at school diminished.

With the limited resources of my teenage mind I decided there and then that I had nothing going for me so I might as well give up.

“Giving up” sounds like a threat of suicide but although I will admit here that in darker days I would express to myself that I’d rather die than be me I don’t think I would ever have taken it further (?).

No “giving up” for me was:

  1. I gave up on school,grades,further education and was in active confrontation with my teachers.
  2. I gave up on friends — I became the lone wolf and because I lived 12 miles away from most of them it was easy to turn down invitations to socialise.
  3. I even gave up on dating when one of the most gorgeous girls in my year became so frustrated at me not asking her out — she asked me out on a date !.I knew “I wasn’t good enough” so projected enough disinterest in her proposal to discourage her from persisting.
  4. I gave up on sport — I had some talent at soccer but failed to turn up for training or trials so playing further martyr to my wounded self.
  5. I gave up on seeing anything good about myself and so wallowed in self-hatred.

Recovery — you have to draw a line in the sand.

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love”.-Lori Deschene.

Now after several years of counselling and mentoring others, I see that this experience was not entirely mine to have and I discovered many seemingly “successful” people have endured the nagging belief that “They Just Aren’t Good Enough”.

Some have never quite escaped the burden of this false identity.

Some who have escaped have done so with enormous struggle and strife.They may have gotten what they wanted in life but boy have they damaged themselves in the process — because the murky,destructive voice deep deep down has been gnawing at them to remind them “you are not good enough”.


Here’s 4 things you need to change to make a significant impact on your life.


1.Environment.

“Rather than exerting more willpower and force, if you want to change your life, you simply change your environment and the roles you are playing,” says Benjamin Hardy.

As soon as I left school and went to College I resolved that my identity was going to be different.No one need know me as the kid I had just been.

New people,new activities,new surroundings all give you permission to become a NEW YOU.

I actually found myself acting very differently right from the geckgo — think of how you are on vacation in a foreign land when you are energised,excited and relaxed compared to how you are when going about your daily tasks with deadlines to meet,interruptions and irritations.Your environment affects who you are.

So in order to reinvent yourself change your environment FIRST.


2) No more Comparing necessary.

I have two amazing grandchildren born more or less around the same time.When they were first born (and probably until they were two) they didn’t compare themselves.

They didn’t look at one another and see good or bad features.

They didn’t compare that one chose to crawl faster nor that one said “Mama” before the other.

And indeed visitors,family,friends didn’t compare nor contrast them they simply basked in the diamond that is a new born child.

We are each that diamond and we must not let the world take that away from us.

Let’s just be ourselves — perfect in that we have been created.

So stop comparing and simply do what your innate talents and desires tell you to do — because you’ll be good at them and will receive reward for doing them.

You are Good Enough to be the You as you were created.


3) Watch your inner and outer language.

We’ve all seen it — the cheap laugh where someone puts themselves down to gain approval and make the other person feel good.This can become a habit and as others see you doing this to yourself YOU GIVE THEM PERMISISSION TO JOIN IN WITH THE DE-CONSTRUCTION OF YOUR SELF-WORTH.

Only then you start to get pissy because it’s happening all the time and people who seemed “nice” are now taking the mickey out of you and you’re starting to feel all hurt and pity pony.

Hang on you did it — so they think they can too SO PLEASE STOP THIS.

Most “nice” people won’t make nasty jokes or remarks about others so why would you do it to yourself ?

The Psychiatrist’s Chair.

I’m not sure why we humans have to know the “why” of our behaviour but it does seem to fascinate us.

In my counselling work I have had to divert certain clients from reverting to 5 years of age when the constant question is Why ? Why ? Why ?

However according to the American Psychiatric Association if you were raised by a narcissistic parents then your feelings of not being good enough may well have stemmed from there.

If any of the following fit then you may have your root cause:

  1. You fear disappointing your parents— because your success is actually theirs.
  2. You struggle to make decisions — because your parents controlled you and made all your decisions.
  3. You are disconnected from your feelings — you don’t know what you are feeling.You were constantly walking on eggshells around your parents and so veiled your true feelings in whatever was needed to satisfy your mother and father in the moment.
  4. You are afraid of others getting angry or confrontational — because moods were your parent’s tool to control you so you never quite knew how their present mood might be expressed and how that would impact you.

4) You are ONLY responsible for you.

Trying to change others who don’t really want to change is soul-destroying and many of my clients have been exasperated through their efforts to “save” their parents or siblings.

As the eldest I always felt myself responsible for my family and latterly I have realised that they were all quite happy to place me in that position of responsibility.

So when my brother didn’t speak for a short while then he communicated through me.

When my parents didn’t have enough money for the school cruise I took responsibility and “took the hit”.

I have bailed them all out at various times with money,relationship advice and help with health issues.

But all the time they were unhappy,stressed or ill and I tried to help and they didn’t change — then in my head -I JUST WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

Geoff Sober

Written by

Every day should be our “blank canvas” to create the way we wish life to look.Knowing this and living this has been my greatest learning.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade