A framework for having difficult conversations
A huge weight pressed against my chest. I sat there stressed, knowing I wanted to confront him but fearful it would harm our friendship. Our working styles differed so much and just being in the same room amplified my anxiety. The problem is that he didn’t really do anything wrong; it was his manière-d’être. I needed tools to communicate this. I also needed courage.
Today’s post covers the book “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson and co, which was suggested by a co-worker when I had asked for advice on developing my conversational skills.
Over the past year, I have experienced an exorbitant number of situations which in some way or another required suffering through the awkwardness of tough conversations. These include negotiating a partnership for building a business, letting go of an employee, resolving family issues… and the list goes on.
Quick Bits
The authors describe a crucial conversation as :
“A conversation between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong”.
After studying expert communicators and industry leaders, they provide a scientifically-backed framework for handling these conversations. Their methodology is precise, supported with a wide range of examples and testimonials. Assuming you’ve recognized that you’re about to enter a crucial conversation (which in of itself takes practice), they suggest seven steps which I have reorganized into the following:
- Start with the Heart (i.e. your intentions)
What do you want to accomplish out of this conversation, both for yourself and for others? What don’t you want? Being honest with oneself strips away unhealthy biases and allows for a focusing of the conversation.
2. Establish a safe communication space.
In my humble opinion, safety is arguably the hardest part to maintain in the conversation . The more sensitive the topic, the more guarded people become.
It is paramount that we are receptive to unfiltered honesty in a respectful manner. It is also crucial that we continuously monitor the conversation for indicators that it might be regressing (e.g. silence, violence). The longer the conversation remains unsafe, the harder it can be to return and the higher the costs.
3. Establish Mutual Purpose
The authors highlight the importance of establishing a common goal. They suggest that “crucial conversations often go awry not because others dislike the content of the conversation but because they believe the content suggests you have malicious intent”.
Finding a shared goal ensures you end up with both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking. If there is none, invent one. It is crucial that both parties drop “winning” the argument from the list of goals.
4. Communicate with facts and control the level of emotion
In their research, the authors found that the worst at dialogue regularly succumbed to their emotions. Fearful of straining a healthy relationship, those who are better at dialogue hold some information back and understate their views to avoid hurting the others. The best at dialogue recognize their emotions but do not relinquish control to them. They speak persuasively, not abrasively. They speak their minds with honesty and respect.
5. Listen with compassion and sincerity.
Listening is a difficult skill to master during emotionally charged conversations. It requires utmost sincerity, curiosity and patience.
The authors suggest using the AMPP framework for dealing with blow ups. Ask the other to share, Mirror/describe how you are interpreting their actions/behaviour, Paraphrase their opinion to confirm safety and Prime them with what you think they are trying to say.
Final Thoughts
Overall, I found the book somewhat insightful. The authors provide some data behind their advice, although I would have liked to see more quantitative analyses rather than testimonials and fictional examples. The chronology of their advice is more helpful to me than the advice itself. Those who are good at dialogue probably try to establish mutual purpose and safety but don’t do so in an explicit manner. This can leave the recipient unaware of their efforts.
Reading through the book also helped me reflect on my own behaviour. I found that reliving some particular scenarios while reading the advice helped concretize it. The authors don’t unpack the emotion behind conversations nearly as much as they should. Emotion is a result of how we react to information. It is biological and completely normal. Yet somehow, it is regarded as a weakness and a hindrance in professional settings. Advice for managers on making the most of our emotional response would have been useful. The book did succeed however at forcing me to foresee my own emotional bursts and to regulate them during conversations.
The sad reality is that we do not receive any formal training on developing these skills and often times we go through life iterating by trial and error. Our conversational skills are largely shaped by sparse empirical evidence and can leave us frustrated with the results.
I hope that by reading the summarized tips in this article, both readers and myself can glean insights for improving how we handle ourselves during those crucial conversations. Maybe, after a couple of trial rounds, those conversations which might feel like small repetitive eternities become more digestible and those that feel like boxing matches start morphing into relieving therapy sessions.
