Conservative Crybabies

The definitive guide on how to discipline a conservative

Guido Fawkes
Jul 10, 2017 · 9 min read

These days, all the talk among the liberal community is how to put a stop to the havoc that Republicans in D.C. are trying to wreak on this country. But I’m starting to think perhaps we should go another way.

Let me explain…

When I was 5 years old, I remember once throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store because I wanted a can of Chef Boyardee®. My mother didn’t want to buy it because, being my mother, she knew me well enough to know that I wouldn’t like it. But I insisted. I knew better than her what I would and would not like.

So, she did what so many exasperated mothers have no doubt done before, since, and will continue to do: she placated me. She bought the can. And we went home. She cooked it up and she sat me down in front of a big bowl. And she watched. She smiled as she saw my face turn. She knew. And she made me eat it. All of it. Every last bite. I’ll never forget. And I never pulled that shit again.

Conservatives today are like 5 year olds throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store. The only way for them to learn is to let them have their way.

Let them go bankrupt paying hospital bills after their precious Republicans take away their healthcare.

Don’t stand in the way when Republicans let corporations poison their ground water.

Stand by as conservatives are forced to skip meals because they can’t afford food on their minimum wage salaries that Republicans refuse to increase.

Do nothing to stop Republicans when they privatize the public sector and dismantle the safety net.

I know that sounds harsh and, as is typical, some conservatives will no doubt continue to blame others for the issues that arise as a result of the policies enacted by the representatives that they elected — specifically, they will likely blame brown people… or gay people… or gay brown people.

And yes, admittedly, there will be collateral damage. Plenty of liberals will suffer as well. But let’s be honest, are we not already suffering?

The biggest advantage that conservatives have on us is their lack of empathy. We twist ourselves into pretzels trying to understand why Republicans keep sticking their hands into the wasps nest. We lose an election and blame ourselves. They lose an election and blame us. In 2008, after Obama was elected, did any conservative intellectuals visit urban centers to study us? Never mind the contradiction inherent in the mere idea of a “conservative intellectual,” but when Trump won we were treated to various lectures from none other than liberal stalwarts like Berkeley sociologist Arlie Hochschild, who spent five years traveling throughout conservative America in order to share their perspective, however flawed it might be. Even Jon Stewart got in on the act, blaming the media for doing its job and reporting on Trump’s various crimes. I suppose Stewart isn’t an advocate of efforts against normalizing Trump.

J.D. Vance, a Republican, wrote Hillbilly Elegy, and Thomas Frank wrote What’s The Matter With Kansas. Each attempted to explain to us why poor conservative people vote for rich white men who want to sell the safety net to the highest bidder. And in each instance the moral we’re supposed to come away with is that we liberals, we Democrats, WE need to understand THEM better. This, all of this, it’s OUR fault. You see, those poor conservatives in rural America are having a hard time in life. Never mind the fact that their distress is mostly of their own making for continuously electing “small-government, trickle-down” Republicans who for decades advanced policies that only helped corporations. Never mind the fact that we tried telling them about this, time and time again. Never mind the fact that white, rural Americans suck more at the teat of government than any other class of citizen. The point according to this mindset is that yes, white rural Americans are entitled; and yes, it’s true that the moment they perceive any loss of that entitlement — whether or not it’s true — they get up in arms; but, you see, it’s OUR fault for not placating them more.

You see, they resent us for being smart and educated and interested in the world. They resent us for flying over their land and not visiting enough. And that’s OUR fault.

If only urban people would stop asking for the same food stamps and welfare checks that rural people get. If only urban people would stop fighting for a level playing field. When rural people do something wrong it’s because the system is rigged against them, but when urban people do something wrong it’s because they are bad people. Isn’t that interesting?

Curiously, the system is rigged against both groups of people and therefor they should all be fighting on the same side. Let’s be completely honest though: the real problem is that rural people have no interest in fixing the system so long as any urban people stand to benefit one iota from it. Even if it means they and their children have to go without.

Join me on this train, fellow progressives, for we need to go out of our way to understand why conservatives keep sabotaging the world. The curious thing about Hochschild’s paper, just like Vance and Frank’s books, is that there is no prescription for how to fix this diseased mindset currently spreading throughout rural America. Why? Because no one knows how you convince a fucking toddler not to stick a fork in a socket.

Well I do. You take the damn fork away. Think about the type of person who assumes their life is harder than anyone else’s and resents the world for it, despite never bothering to learn a thing about them. I have no doubt that conservatives in Kansas have hard lives. I also have no doubt that blacks in Harlem have hard lives too. I don’t think a white, rural conservative could last one day in the shoes of a black man living in Harlem. Or a Mexican picking fruit in California. So it’s understandably difficult to hear conservatives complain about how hard their life is, especially when it’s their own fucking fault. It brings up similar feelings of disbelief to hear conservatives whine about how liberals view them only as flyover country. You want liberals to visit? Give them a reason. Send a fucking invite and maybe stop attacking them for trying to ameliorate their own lives.

The point is, when else in life do we give people such a pass for their own indiscretions? When an alcoholic chooses to get behind the wheel, do we blame the arresting officer for not showing up at the bar and calling him a cab? Then why do we blame Democrats for the fact that 60+ million of the American electorate actively decided to screw itself? (and, by extension, the rest of the world)

Did our grandparents blame Democrats for McCarthyism? Then why on nature’s green earth have we now started this trend of blaming Democrats when millions of Americans vote against their own best interests? Why do we shy away from the simple truth? We are like parents of spoiled brats, afraid to reprimand our children for fear that they may be offended. It’s time liberals sack up, as they say, and start calling a spade a spade. Throughout history, the oppressed have stood up time and again against their perceived oppressors. Sometimes it has ended well, like the French and American Revolutions. Other times, not so well, like Nazi Germany and the Bolsheviks in Russia. In the case of the French and American Revolutions, the oppressed correctly diagnosed their oppressors as rich oligarchs. In the case of Nazi Germany, the oppressed blamed minorities. Which of these reminds you of today’s conservative American?

If liberals want to witness any change in modern American politics, they need to stop laying the blame at the feet of everyone except those who deserve it. It’s an incredible dance of national equivocation, both on the part of conservatives as well as liberals; conservatives who elect politicians that advocate for policies which will clearly do nothing but hurt them, and liberals who refuse to acknowledge that simple truth.

It is high time that conservatives across America are taught a lesson in personal responsibility. For too long we’ve permitted them to get away with blaming everyone but themselves for the problems that they face. Problems which they and they alone are responsible for. It’s not liberals’ faults that conservatives are too myopic to recognize that the war on drugs has been an utter failure for everyone except Mexican narcos, American law enforcement and private prison corporations. It’s not liberals’ faults that conservatives refuse to recognize that deregulating financial markets leads to them losing their jobs. It’s not liberals’ faults that conservatives continue to fall for FOX “News’” propaganda and consistently vote against their own best interests. It’s high time conservatives learn to suffer the consequences of their own votes.

They like to call liberals hypocrites. The idea that a conservative, of all people, would ever have the balls to use that word against anyone else is the height of… well, hypocrisy. (leave it to conservatives to get the gold medal in meta hypocrisy)

I have a theory about conservatives that time and again consistently proves itself true: if you are ever curious; if you ever want to know what sort of nefarious shit they are up to; what their deepest, darkest secrets are; all you need to do is pay attention to what they are accusing others of doing.

Some examples:

  1. Who are you most likely to see in a public restroom getting a blowjob from another man? Come on, I don’t even need to say it. We all know. Somehow, it’s always the guy who gets most worked up about gay marriage, isn’t it?
  2. What were Republicans most angry about in 2016? Hilary’s email “scandal” involving her use of a private server. Who recommended she get one in the first place? Colin Powell. Who is now using private emails? The Trump criminal enterprise.
  3. What do Republicans purport to hate most? Big government. What do Republicans do the first chance they gain control of government? Impose their views and idealistic opinions upon everyone. (see previous article about Missouri revoking St. Louis’ minimum wage increase; see Trump’s “Presidential Advisory Commission On Election Integrity”)
  4. What did Republicans whine most about when the ACA was passed? The ridiculous notion that they were kept out of the loop despite months of debate and hundreds of amendments brought forward by both parties. How does that taste having just lived through the closed-door conception of the AHCA?

These are but a few examples of what we all know to be the dizzying intellectual-dishonesty that seems to define the Republican brand these days.

Perhaps the most egregious example is summed up in the outrage expressed by conservatives at the way that the real press dares to do its job when it raises completely legitimate questions about the treasonous coward in the White House. The moral indignation spewing from exploding Republican heads is truly mind-boggling after having literally just experience 8 years of lies, intentionally false rumors, outlandish innuendo and blatantly ridiculous conspiracy theories about Obama — many from Trump himself.

Here’s a tip for all conservatives out there: I know you don’t like it, but just because a journalist reports negative news about Republicans does not make that reporting “fake news.” That’s not how it works, snowflake. I know its difficult for Republicans to comprehend, having only ever been exposed to FOX’s sensationalism, but REAL journalists have this thing called integrity. You should look it up. Just because you go through life constantly whining and complaining and blaming other people for your problems doesn’t mean that everyone else leads their lives the same way.

And spare me with this juvenile crap about FOX News’ TV ratings. There are 320 million people in the US and you hang your hat on the fact that FOX News gets 1.5 million of them while CNN gets 1 million (but you conveniently ignore the fact that Rachel Maddow consistently trounces both). 1.5 million. That’s 0.004% of the entire population. Congratulations, conservatives. There are 500,000 more shitstains watching FOX News at any given moment than CNN. Bravo. 500,000 more of you consistently drinking right-wing Kool-Aid. There’s something to be proud of. Hey, at least you’re not alone in your ineptitude.

And here’s some more truth for conservatives: we liberals are accustomed to watching conservatives vote against your own best interests, carrying the water of people who will never care about you and who laugh at you behind your backs. But this time, when you voted for Trump, you went a step too far. You betrayed your country and your fellow countrymen. So, you deserve nothing more and nothing less than that criminal and the absolute misery that he will bring upon you and the people you love.

Now, sit down and eat it. Every last bite.

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