A Day in the Life of a Newlywed

7:30am Swat alarm clock on Hubs side of the bed because he sleeps like a grizzly bear and isn’t awake yet even though it’s been going off for fifteen minutes. Consequently swat husband awake. Attempt to imagine how he has shown up anywhere on time up to this point in his life without you.

7:45am Attempt to poop in peace after waiting 15 minutes for husband to “ do his business.” Almost drown from the toilet seat not being put back down.

8:00am Hubs is angry as he burned himself on your curling iron for the 138th time. You’ve warned him 138 times its hot and not to touch it. Men.

8:30am When leaving house it becomes apparent that “someone” left their keys in the door all night long. You ponder in amazement how an axe murderer hasn’t killed you yet. Still give Hubs kiss goodbye. Mentally add to list to check for keys in door each night when locking up.

9:00am Send “I miss you” text. You cannot understand how in thirty minutes that statement can be completely true, but it is.

9:45am Receive “I miss you more winky face/heart eyes/ kissyface emoji. Someone’s horny.

11:30am Listen to husband complain loudly about boss while on his lunch break. You remind him to bring your fancy Tupperware home that you got as a wedding present. He doesn’t.

12:35pm Hubs listens as you loudly complain about your boss from the safety of your car. Crap, the windows cracked and Bob from Accounting just walked by. Hubs reassures you he’s sure your in the clear.

3:00pm Dinner negotiations begin via text. you mentally take note to strangle your father in law for introducing his son to Taco Bell as authentic Mexican food. Pssh.

4:00pm Negotiations have come to standstill between Ruby Tuesdays and Applebee’s. Remind husband of lingerie store next to Ruby Tuesdays. You are victorious. Never ending salad bar + promise of a 5 panties for $20 sale … if he gets to pick them out. Guess you can never have enough thongs? They do say marriage is compromise.

6:00pm All you can eat salad bar + some questionable but tasty hot wings.

7:30pm Poor Hubs. Puke instead of panties. The hot wings did him in. You promise a trip for panties this weekend. His face decidedly looks less green and slightly happier at your proposal.

8:30pm No toilet paper. Hubs is snoring from his perilous perch on the edge of the bed, trash can in arms length. Do waddle of shame while unsuccessfully attempting to hush dog on the way to hall closet.

8:45pm Hubs bursts into bathroom and pukes directly on your legs, still affixed to the toilet as you began to have some “tummy troubles” yourself. Gag and dry heave while mutually attempting to calm the other down.

9:00pm Throw everything short of the toilet into a garbage bag and bleach the area down in your underwear. Vow to each other to never eat at Ruby Tuesdays ever again. Brush teeth. Twice.

9:30pm Take shower together. Thankful for a second pair of eyes to help make sure the puke remnants get washed completely out of your hair. Get poked in the butt. Roll eyes.

10:00 Crawl into bed in an old college shirt of Hubs and granny panties that feel heavenly on a bloated stomach. Assume little spoon position and pull as MUCH cover onto your side of the bed as possible. The odds are better you might have a flap by morning if you do this. Hubs feels better, big spoon is all settled in his spot. Boob is grabbed and butt is poked.

10:30pm Remind Hubs to set alarm. Ask Hubs did he leave keys in door? Hubs says he did not. Get up to verify. See keys on table. Crawl back into bed. Hubs is snoring, no cover to be had. Pull emergency comforter from container under bed. Check that trash can is close to Hubs for further puking excursions. Attempt to sleep. Hubs rolls over and pulls you in close. Grabs boob in sleep. You smile.